• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I will never get help

P

porcupine123

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Coventry
The main point of this post is that I will never get help. The idea of getting help for the way I feel (which I briefly covered in my first post here about how I am unhappy at uni) makes me feel sick, even less so than committing suicide does (it's just the method of suicide that makes me sick).
Well why don't I want to get help?
1) I feel that I'm irrational: last week I wanted to die. I had to write an essay as part of my course and it is a small part of my final grade for 1st year. Combined with the regular "you're not good enough, you're an awful person, you're never going to make friends" it was too much. I considered a suicide method, but then I instantly realised it was not possible. I submitted my essay and I felt better for a few hours (until I realised that I have no friends and that everybody else at uni did and they were all finding flats for next year, so unless I want to be homeless I have make friends which I'm awful at). I feel that I stress to much about things and that I drive myself to almost do slightly excessive things

2) I'm tired, I don't have the energy or time to devote to writing an essay about why I am not suited for this world. There are so many things wrong with me and I'd just be a burden on the already over stressed NHS (the friend I met on Tinder has told me how they have received bad treatment, so I don't think it's worth going down that route and the online therapy I have already tried was useless, I was able to justify all of my insecurities and worries without them proving me wrong in my beliefs.

3) I'm an inferior person to most. The pain might be hard to deal with initially. I used to think that my suicide would have a huge, long lasting impact on my family. I think that now, especially after being separated from them for a month or two, I've grown more distant. I barely talk to my sister anymore, my parents the same. I think that my suicide would hurt them, but in the long run it would be ok. People who are missed in the long run are truly special people. I am not, I am disappointing, I'm not particularly good at expressing love, I'm not particularly helpful or interesting or funny. The relationship I have with my father is not great even though he's never been abusive with me. I just don't make enough effort to be closer to him I should have been a better son than I have. It's a shame that my parents had to have me, I think that without me they would have been happier in the long run and my sister would have had a much happier childhood. I am no longer a nasty brother, I am just a useless brother, just as I am a useless friend, just a burden because I tell my friends about my worries, friends who already have problems of their own, but I will not go to therapy. I just don't feel like I have it in me. I don't think my life is worth prolonging really.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
P

porcupine123

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Coventry
edit 1: it's also a lot of effort to recover from wanting to kill yourself, having 0 self worth, being utterly incapable of leading a satisfying life (among the other things that are wrong with me). I don't think I have it in me to go through all of the therapy sessions, self help books etc
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
563
Location
On The Train
Finding a good therapist will be a life changer for you. Perhaps with the one on one therapy you could also join a therapy group. You can find a circle of nice people who have gone through the same things as you and help support you. Depression shows you the world in a gloomy lens. Can you think of something you like to do? Something recent that made you smile?
 
P

porcupine123

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Coventry
Finding a good therapist will be a life changer for you. Perhaps with the one on one therapy you could also join a therapy group. You can find a circle of nice people who have gone through the same things as you and help support you. Depression shows you the world in a gloomy lens. Can you think of something you like to do? Something recent that made you smile?
I'd like to say I'm also embarrassed about my fairly pathetic problems and how incapable I am of dealing with the basics of life unlike everyone else in the world.
As a historian I like to pride myself on my ability to assess events and draw fairly unbiased, accurate conclusions from them. I see that people my age find making friends something natural, such as knowing how to put on a pair of socks or tying your laces. I on the other hand haven't gotten the hang of it and unlike everyone else I have virtually no friends. Doesn't that indicate I'm bad at making friends and that people don't want me? If I'm wrong about my current situation then that spells disaster for my degree lol.

I smile sometimes, the last time I smiled was today when I went to a see some farm animals with a friend if you will. I get quick bursts of happiness but it's always followed by numbness or dissatisfaction. For instance I have feelings for that person but I'm almost certain that they aren't reciprocated even though I think they were initially (I am almost always a disappointment to people). The last time I felt happy for more than a day at a time must have been more than 3 or 4 years ago.
 
P

porcupine123

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Coventry
Finding a good therapist will be a life changer for you. Perhaps with the one on one therapy you could also join a therapy group. You can find a circle of nice people who have gone through the same things as you and help support you. Depression shows you the world in a gloomy lens. Can you think of something you like to do? Something recent that made you smile?
I don't think I could find a therapy group or if I did I would hate to be there. I've spoken to many people with anxiety, depression, bpd and they have all had to deal with so much more than myself and have been through a lot more. Me joining a therapy group would be like someone with a grazed knee joining a group of cancer patients to discuss their troubles with their illnesses.
 
Top