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I was physically abused as a chid and now i can't be around my step dad, i don't know how much longer i can last like this. How can i cope?

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Bfdhilysm

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Joined
Jul 15, 2018
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3
I was physically abused as a chid and now i can't be around my step dad, i don't know how much longer i can last like this. How can i cope?

I was physically abused as a chid and now i can't be around my step dad, i don't know how much longer i can last like this. How can i cope?

As a child my step dad would physically take his stress out on me, hitting me, slapping me, and choking me once or twice. Eventually i began to fight back and he stopped, this was then i turned 16. I was always bullied at school for being fat; my parents neglected me and i was always sent to my room only to come out to eat. I basically felt like i had nowhere safe, so i developed depression and anxiety.

I am now 24 and still live with my parents; i am finishing university and can't afford my own place yet. I know i have to live here for the next year, there's no other option, but i hate meal times because we eat around the table. Usually i skip meals now or i eat later on. If i do have to eat at the table i sit feeling so anxious and so many feeling of hatred towards him. He comes home from work and sits in the living room in front of the TV all evening, so i avoid going downstairs at all unless completely necessary because it means walking past him. He does nothing around the house and leaves my mom to do EVERYTHING, even though she has developed a disabling disease that means she is extremely fatigued all day. Regardless, she works full time and comes home to slave away over him, but she doesn't complain and she sticks up for him if i say anything bad about him.

How do i get over this hatred towards him? I need to move on because the past is in the past and what's done can't be changed. I have accepted it for what it is, but the residual feelings are sticking around. Some day i convince myself i'm ok and i forgive him, and others i have so much hatred for him i physically become worked up and i can spend hours thinking about what he's done wrong to me. Please please PLEASE; if you have any advice for me i would really appreciate it. I don't know how much longer i can cope with this.
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

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I was abused by my mother when I lived with her. You will move out eventually like I have. I'm sorry you suffered that. :hug:
 
exyz

exyz

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Jun 14, 2017
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:welcome:

I'm sorry. That is an awful way to have treated you as a son.
I'm not sure what country you are in as it does not show here on the forum so it is difficult to give you any links that might offer support.

How you are feeling is a very natural reaction to his long term behaviour towards you and your Mom.
I know that money is tight for you. You are finishing university I see. You should have a counselling service there for students and it will not cost you.

My first suggestion is that you seek out some support and advice there. Sadly, you will not be the only student to have been through this. You will also get a referral for some welfare advice. Would your mom for example be able to manage financially without your father about? And keep the house?

While he is not hurting you physically, the emotional stuff is still there and it is not good for you at all.
If you are in the USA/Canada there is this organisation who can advise, they help survivors of physical and emotional abuse as well as sexual abuse too
NAASCA - National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

We are listening here and do care. If you can tell us which country you are posting from, we will try our best to give more information.:)
 
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Bfdhilysm

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Jul 15, 2018
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Hi exyz, thank you so much for taking time to reply to me. I am a 24 year old female living in England, UK. I think you're right about seeking support through university; u haven't thought about that yet so thank you. I've never spoken to anybody about this before so I can't express how appreciative I am of your willingness to help, thank you :)
 
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Bfdhilysm

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Jul 15, 2018
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FUBARLady I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the peace and happiness you deserve (hug)
 
exyz

exyz

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Jun 14, 2017
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Hello there Bfd,
I'm sorry , I don't know how i got it in my mind you were male.:redface:

If you are in the UK, then there is a fair bit of support about.:)

Definitely speak to Uni, there will be a student welfare section. Take all the support there is. Don't be ashamed you are not the one who has done wrong here. x

Also Women's Aid will help you. Don't be afraid to speak.

They have heard some awful stories and everything is in confidence. You can ring them and also email them but the email usually takes a few days to get a reply. As you can imagine they are under a lot of pressure so don't be put off if you ring and it is engaged.

I'll give you the link for England but there are also links for scotland and Wales too. They can help you to find other acommodation longer term and also help sorting out benefits and so on.
Home - Womens Aid

The hardest thing is to talk about it, and it will make you upset but that is ok. As I said it is a natural response to something that is not right and which has gone on a long time now. Your father does not deserve such a lovely wife and daughter. You deserve better times and they will come.:)

You have taken a first step and that is good, just a bit at a time.
We are here also:hug1:
 
starrynite

starrynite

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Jan 24, 2018
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Location
N.E. U. S.
So sorry you're having a hard time. I know how you feel. I think the book "Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers" by Leslie Leyland Fields will be a big help to you.
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
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169
Location
USA
I've always found that I feel what I feel and trying to not allow myself to feel it isn't helpful and it can even be harmful. Allowing myself to feel my anger whenever it arose was how I stopped feeling depressed. They say that depression is anger turned inwards. Maybe there's some truth to that. I will tell you that when I removed all the "shoulds", I found I was just as furious with my mother for not protecting me.
PS. When my anger finally ran its course, I was able to forgive but it happened naturally.
 
K

kzero

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Jul 20, 2018
Messages
6
Ppl are abusive

I think our parents' parents were much different then people now, with catholicism. My dads father was in World war 2. Got shot up, healed went back out a few times. People, parents, whatever can be crazy. They take it out on their children. I don't ask you to have simpathy, really just to understand. That themselves are children, that can't handle their parents or their own issues. Relating to you in some way. Unfortunately.. my advice is to do whatever you can to get out. Escape. Do what is best for you. Some parents don't care, do what you can for yourself. Workout, little bits. Whatever you can. Remember that ultimately they have the issue. My dad is drinking, and smoking alot. He seems to be on the verge of... It hurts, he verbally abused me, and treated me not well. Anyway take care, and push forward.
 
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Doggo

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Jul 19, 2018
Messages
171
I'm sorry about what you had to go through. There's a lot of people who go through this day.

While my parents didn't abused me, there have been times when things got too unessessary(sorry for awful spelling). There have been times in the past where my dad got a little too excessive with anger. Me and my sister have been punched in the face, slammed against the wall, and my sister was beaten.
While that occurred when we were teens, he recently had another temper with my sister. She had her daughter in her arms and went to call the police. He grabbed her arm, pulled the phone out of her hand and slammed it to the ground so hard it nearly snapped in half. We ran away from him into the bathroom and she called the police on her cell.

Don't ever be afraid to call the police. And you're not a child anymore, if he beats you again, he can be charged for assault.

My dad used to abuse my mom when I was a toddler. I was very young but I remember one fight, it was at the dinner table, we were having soup and he threw his soup and some of it got on me. It was very hot and he chilled out when I started screaming.

But there are ways children can protect they're family. School.


When I was a child, I did not hesitate to tattle on my parents to my teacher. Even when I got spankings. Teachers take things seriously. I strongly suggest that children do tell their teachers about any abuse in the family. Just don't be a revenge-queen like I could be, and tattle on every average spanking/disapline(I admit between ages 6-10 I was a brat).
 
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Doggo

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Jul 19, 2018
Messages
171
As for coping with what he's done, I say just give him the cold shoulder. Just forget about him. Ignore him. Put more focus into your mom, help her clean, take her places, have fun! And I know it sounds deviant, but another thing you get in return, is that he'll get envious. But if it leads to him acting out, remember, call the police. Next time, he'll be watching TV outside his cell door.
 
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