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I was coping well for 25 years and now at 46 I am more borderline than ever - trigger warning

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wonderwoman18

Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Ottawa
Hi every one, I am in dire need of support and encouragement because I feel like I have lost everything. I raised 3 children as a single mom, all having ADHD and two BPD. I finished college and ran a law office for 10 years. I have been in a really good and healthy relationship for 7.5 years with my fiance. The past year and a half everything fell apart.

After quitting working in law, I went to school to become a makeup artist and was working in a retail job that i loved. Once the stores all closed for my job after 5 months of working there, it seems my BPD came back full force. I was sad at losing a job i loved and was really discouraged that i could not find a beauty job over 3 months of looking and going to interviews, so i decided to look for another retail job. I was also upset that my daughters were turning 18 and I knew they would not be leaving home with all of their issues and my fiance was not making any plans for our wedding because of this.

I ended finding work at an off price store selling shoes and thought okay, not really what i expected, but at first it was a full time job and we just opened a new store so we had a fun team that worked really hard. They pushed us to work so hard and i would get up at 5:45 to open the store and sometimes came home after midnight when we were closing. This meant I had 12 hour days with the travel by bus and my fiance was not able to pick me up because he was working at 5 am and going to bed at 8:30 pm.

The job was okay at first, was really fun, but once the store opened the pressure was absolutely ridiculous and we were always trying to fill the floor, pick up hundreds of shoes, match them up, run to the stock room, help out at cash - it made running a law office seem easy in comparison and I ended up getting a really bad bladder infection and had no time to get medical care and I became so depressed that only 2 months after starting the job, I found myself trying to go to heaven because i wanted to go to talk to God. I had never hurt myself or attempted suicide since I was 17. The last straw had been realizing that my fiance did not want to plan our wedding at all because he was not sure if he wanted to keep raising my daughters with all of their issues.

So November 13th of last year, i decided to overdose on my pills and right after taking them, I go wake up my daughter and say "I'm all done - like I had done something good for myself." and I proceed to have a nervous breakdown and after 30 years I am in a psych ward for the first time of my life. They confirmed that I still had BPD and also diagnosed me with ADHD. My fiance was so upset of his almost losing me that he promises to marry me and I leave a week later all excited that this was a real wake up call about our life and we tell my daughters that they will have to move in 3 months time so we can start our new life finally.

I had started new meds to ADHD, not knowing that they would not help me, but would stimulate my BPD and I ended up so stressed that I overdosed a second time on New Years Day. That day I was just overwhelmed with the 43 hours i had worked over Christmas rush and we had family visiting and my fiance had us entertaining them and going out for New Years and I was crying in the parking lot of the chinese restaurant cuz I was just so exhausted.

So we just spend one night at the ER after that overdose and I am happy that my fiance is with me the whole time and we decide that my daughters should move out right away so I can get better cuz the house is just too chaotic with all of the mental health issues in the house that i could not relax at all.

I end up back at the hospital at the end of February because the meds are making me crazy and i feel like i am so stimulated that I am going to crash into a wall like a runaway train. They start me on other meds for my ADHD and i have a little bit for my BPD.

Well these meds are even worse, i feel like i am getting electric jolts through me cuz i am so amped up, so i decide to get off of them because I have become a screaming banshee to my fiance and he has never seen me like this.

I quit my job after 8 months cuz it is just getting worse each day, the night i leave mid shift cuz i am having some kind of panic attack all sweaty and my heart thumping furiously and i feel like it is life or death and i have to get out of there.

I end up at emergency, this time just walking in cuz i don't want to OD or be committed or have to stay, i just want more meds and i get them and I am determined to get better.

I take a month off and then find another job, this one part time, but i am miserable and quit after only a month.

I am determined to find a new job and spent the last 3.5 months applying to over 110 positions and had about 20 interviews, but no real job offers. I am getting so discouraged at all of the rejection, but i am determined to find a full time job and do my share in supporting my fiance and I.

Then just when my meds seem to be working, i am able to relax and read again, i eat really healthy, i am able to do my chores and do yoga - my fiances parents decide that all three sons need to visit for a week in October with no wives for a hunting trip.

I am happy for him to take the time off and see his family and I am trying super hard to be supportive, but by this week I was nauseous, headachy, weepy and desparate. I was determined to be normal when his brother came to spend time with us before they all leave to another province to visit the parents.

So Thursday his brother is supposed to be coming for supper and instead my fiance calls to say that they are going for a great fall hike and they are going to eat at my fave restaurant and i have had no time to process this information, but i go along with it thinking okay, i can do this. I eat, do my yoga, do chores, but by the time i have a relaxing bath, my BPD rage is in full force and I cannot stop it. I try calling my daughter for support and I try going for a walk and he was supposed to be home by the time I got back from my walk and they are late and that is when I go into pure rage and call him screaming about how angry I am that he ditched me to go with his brother and here he is already leaving me for 8 days with his family and I smash the phone.

He is trying to call, I can't answer cuz the phone is shattered, but i can here his messages on the answering machine all shocked at my anger cuz i had been fine.

By the time he is home 20 minutes later, i am inconsolable, i won't let him apologise and I am hitting him and screaming in agony and i end up shattering a candle. When he goes to talk to his brother outside, i decide to harm myself and i realize that is not what i really wanted and i go out to show them what i have done and i get taken away and my ex packs up as much of his stuff as he can and he is gone.

I finally pushed my great guy away and i think he may be truely gone - he took my call from the hospital and just kept saying he needed a break and was going to try to have a good time over and over, but he took 90% of his belongings, even decorations.

I tried calling him yesterday before he left town, but he would not take my call nor my daughters. I have never called his parents before, but was desperate enough to call them to see if this was permanent and basically it seems this is it and his father did not say much but to say he felt sorry for me.

So now I am unemployed with no money coming in, i live in house that costs $2000 a month to live in, my fiance is gone for a fun trip for 8 days while I am living in hell here ashamed and disgusted and sad and just hurting. I have not slept more than 4 hours per night and I really cannot believe how far I have fallen.
 
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dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,015
Well you have two problems: one medical with the disorder, the other financial. You need to figure out a way to survive financially, like getting support of others or the state for a while, until you get better medically. There's no point pressurising yourself into work if you're not emotionally able. You have to get emotional support like going to see a psychiatrist or therapist regularly.
Recovering is not easy, it takes work, but also, remember it won't always be like this, you won't always be this out of control.
If you had your shit in order before, you can have your shit in order again. You die a little emotionally along the way but you need to find a way to survive both financially and emotionally.

I would also say avoid burdening your children with this kind of over dose or self harm stuff, it is not their responsibility to look after their mother when they themselves are starting out in life. It is unfair to do that to them. Can you imagine how upsetting it would be for them to see or hear of their mother in a low emotional state. Your fiancé does not sound particularly supportive. Do you have any relatives you can rely on like a sibling. Or at least a therapist. Or post on here for support.

Bottom line is you are not a mental illness, you are a person that is not a label, and you are able of over coming this. Get off any pills they give you which make it worse and try to find a simple anti depressant to help you stabilise.
 
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wonderwoman18

Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Ottawa
Yes Dewey, I am finally realizing that i am not well enough to work. The psychiatrist in the hospital told me that i should work cuz I do better when i have a structured routine and don't have the time to sit at home ruminating. But I realize that my issues are preventing me from being hired at the moment. I come in trying to look all bubbly and put together, but it is a facade lately.

I do realize that it has been very hard on my children and if I had more people in my life to rely on, i would. I have an absentee dad who is finally giving me some attention cuz he knows my fiance is gone and my fiance has been with me for 7.5 years of raising my own children with their adhd and bpd, so he has been totally supportive all along. I have a brother that is mostly estranged, apart from a few facebook chats here and there and my mother and i have not spoken in years.

My fiance has had the full burden of taking care of me in the last year and I guess he is burnt out and he also has trouble realising that i do not have full control of my BPD, that i lash out when i feel rejected or abandoned and i try to control that part of me, but it doesn;t always work. He has always been so loyal and supportive, but that has been hard when the full BPD rage is focused on him.

I know that my efforts at counselling have been so painful in the past that i have quit within months, but this time i have to stick with it because i feel like my life is on the line if i don't.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
Norfolk
Yes Dewey, I am finally realizing that i am not well enough to work. The psychiatrist in the hospital told me that i should work cuz I do better when i have a structured routine and don't have the time to sit at home ruminating. But I realize that my issues are preventing me from being hired at the moment. I come in trying to look all bubbly and put together, but it is a facade lately.

I do realize that it has been very hard on my children and if I had more people in my life to rely on, i would. I have an absentee dad who is finally giving me some attention cuz he knows my fiance is gone and my fiance has been with me for 7.5 years of raising my own children with their adhd and bpd, so he has been totally supportive all along. I have a brother that is mostly estranged, apart from a few facebook chats here and there and my mother and i have not spoken in years.

My fiance has had the full burden of taking care of me in the last year and I guess he is burnt out and he also has trouble realising that i do not have full control of my BPD, that i lash out when i feel rejected or abandoned and i try to control that part of me, but it doesn;t always work. He has always been so loyal and supportive, but that has been hard when the full BPD rage is focused on him.

I know that my efforts at counselling have been so painful in the past that i have quit within months, but this time i have to stick with it because i feel like my life is on the line if i don't.
I think a lot of us throw ourselves into work as it gives us a sense of purpose and self worth and it’s far easier to control and regulate your emotions in a structured environment. Home life is different, individuals can easily trigger negative core beliefs from childhood such as we’re unloveable, not worthy and don’t matter. These are not true but we FEEL that they are. These feelings then affect our thoughts and subsequently our behaviour, and as you know we are not easy to live with having such extreme emotional reactions.
The critical thing for you now is to focus on yourself for once. Forgot everything else where possible and focus on your own well-being. Get yourself some self help books and embrace your therapy in a completely honest and open way. Face your fears, let your emotions out in therapy. You have to feel and accept the suffering in order to accept yourself for who you are in this present moment.
Feel free to message me (as anyone can) if you need to chat
 
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wonderwoman18

Member
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Oct 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Ottawa
I found out yesterday why I have such deep seated abandonment issues - when i was born 2.5 half months early - my mom felt like such a failure for not having carried me to full term that she refused to come see me at the hospital. I spent 4 months in a hospital and my dad says I was just a number and that there was not even an attendant there at all times. He would give them this number and they would show me in the window. So there I was a little baby with no love, no parents really, not anybody.

I always wondered why my parents were not affectionate with me and my dad says even as an infant, when he tried to hug me, I would pull away.

I wondered why I was able to care for my children so well, putting in such effort to be there for them, putting so many hours of care, but my dad tells me that I was a natural care giver who first took care of my own mother. I also took care of my brother because he was 5 years younger and my mom expected that of me too. My dad was always gone because he could not handle my mother or us children.

I don't know why it is so hard to care for myself.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
Norfolk
I found out yesterday why I have such deep seated abandonment issues - when i was born 2.5 half months early - my mom felt like such a failure for not having carried me to full term that she refused to come see me at the hospital. I spent 4 months in a hospital and my dad says I was just a number and that there was not even an attendant there at all times. He would give them this number and they would show me in the window. So there I was a little baby with no love, no parents really, not anybody.

I always wondered why my parents were not affectionate with me and my dad says even as an infant, when he tried to hug me, I would pull away.

I wondered why I was able to care for my children so well, putting in such effort to be there for them, putting so many hours of care, but my dad tells me that I was a natural care giver who first took care of my own mother. I also took care of my brother because he was 5 years younger and my mom expected that of me too. My dad was always gone because he could not handle my mother or us children.

I don't know why it is so hard to care for myself.
I would guess your BPD has been triggered at an early age by an invalidating environment. It’s highly probable that from an early age you have developed negative core beliefs about yourself, low self esteem, not feeling worthy, unloveable, that you don’t matter. Coupled with this, BPD sufferers tend to pick up early, and take responsibility for other people’s emotions, so you always try to help them, even if it increases your suffering. My advice is to look into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). You’ll learn some valuable techniques to control your thoughts feelings and emotions.
 
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wonderwoman18

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Oct 12, 2019
Messages
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Location
Ottawa
Yes i know DBT is the cornerstone of helping borderlines. I have read about 20 books about BPD both for me and my daughter. I was doing well when I had children to care for or my fiance around, but now being alone is unbearable. I have 5 cats, but they are not very talkative. I have had trouble getting help because I was so functional for the past 25 years, so the psychiatrists i have seen in in patient have just expected me to go back to being functional. I stayed for about 6 days and then i would be on my way.

I would have to be coming into emergency 3 or 4 times every month to qualify for most of the in depth programs. The fact that I was working and that I had a long term relationship made everyone think i would be fine. And I would have been fine if my fiance had not left for 8 days. My meds were working, i was doing yoga daily, i was looking for work and very hopeful and we were out a ton in nature - it was the thought of his leaving that panicked me and i tried so hard to reassure myself that he would be all mine again when he got back, but he did such a bad job of reassuring me the weeks before he left. He just kept saying to me "you will be okay, you will be okay." It was like listening to a broken record. I would have loved for him to say "Don't worry honey, i know you are scared at my leaving, but i will call you every day and i will be back before you know it. I am going to miss you so much too."

I never expected to fall apart like this - i am usually a super strong and independent woman. It seems once i let myself depend totally on my fiance, i lost my strength and became an irrational nut case.

It also sucked that we were supposed to go to visit his family this summer after we got married last spring and then we cancelled everything because both of us were not getting enough hours at work.

I wanted to find a full time job again, get back in a routine, buy a house next year with my fiance and finally get married. But it was all waiting and putting my life on hold cuz i could not get hired.

I really thought if i took my meds, ate well, slept well, hung out with my fiance in nature and found work, i would go back to being functional. I really was trying to outrun my bpd and i guess i can't do it anymore and will finally go to counselling and stick with it because i finally have the time to focus on myself. I just wish I had an idea of what my fiance is thinking. He would not take my calls on Friday and I am giving him the space he needs to have a break, but does he not realize how awful this is for me to be alone in our house without him or my children?

Even my son thinks my fiance was not thinking straight when he ran off with his brother on Thursday. How could he think i would be happy to sit at home, when i was already going to be doing it for 8 days while he was out of town. He knew my life revolved around him lately, just like his life has revolved around mine for the past 7.5 years.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Messages
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Norfolk
Yes i know DBT is the cornerstone of helping borderlines. I have read about 20 books about BPD both for me and my daughter. I was doing well when I had children to care for or my fiance around, but now being alone is unbearable. I have 5 cats, but they are not very talkative. I have had trouble getting help because I was so functional for the past 25 years, so the psychiatrists i have seen in in patient have just expected me to go back to being functional. I stayed for about 6 days and then i would be on my way.

I would have to be coming into emergency 3 or 4 times every month to qualify for most of the in depth programs. The fact that I was working and that I had a long term relationship made everyone think i would be fine. And I would have been fine if my fiance had not left for 8 days. My meds were working, i was doing yoga daily, i was looking for work and very hopeful and we were out a ton in nature - it was the thought of his leaving that panicked me and i tried so hard to reassure myself that he would be all mine again when he got back, but he did such a bad job of reassuring me the weeks before he left. He just kept saying to me "you will be okay, you will be okay." It was like listening to a broken record. I would have loved for him to say "Don't worry honey, i know you are scared at my leaving, but i will call you every day and i will be back before you know it. I am going to miss you so much too."

I never expected to fall apart like this - i am usually a super strong and independent woman. It seems once i let myself depend totally on my fiance, i lost my strength and became an irrational nut case.

It also sucked that we were supposed to go to visit his family this summer after we got married last spring and then we cancelled everything because both of us were not getting enough hours at work.

I wanted to find a full time job again, get back in a routine, buy a house next year with my fiance and finally get married. But it was all waiting and putting my life on hold cuz i could not get hired.

I really thought if i took my meds, ate well, slept well, hung out with my fiance in nature and found work, i would go back to being functional. I really was trying to outrun my bpd and i guess i can't do it anymore and will finally go to counselling and stick with it because i finally have the time to focus on myself. I just wish I had an idea of what my fiance is thinking. He would not take my calls on Friday and I am giving him the space he needs to have a break, but does he not realize how awful this is for me to be alone in our house without him or my children?

Even my son thinks my fiance was not thinking straight when he ran off with his brother on Thursday. How could he think i would be happy to sit at home, when i was already going to be doing it for 8 days while he was out of town. He knew my life revolved around him lately, just like his life has revolved around mine for the past 7.5 years.
Just remember others do not feel emotions as strongly as you do. I empathise with you because when my wife had to work away from home I was truly grief stricken, it was awful. However through therapy I have learnt to control these feelings and emotions. Things are still painful but i no longer suffer. Be patient. These thoughts will pass. Everything will seem a lot better in a few days. 🤗
 
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wonderwoman18

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Oct 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Ottawa
Thanks so much Lunus - your words have been very encouraging. I am feeling a lot better today as I had sleep and I got out of the house to buy a few groceries and my kids have all been able to talk to all three of my children today, along with my brother and my father. I have been relying so much on my fiance that I forgot have other supportive people in my life.

Everyone seems to think if I give my fiance the breather spending time with his family that he will come back thinking clearer and we can figure out how to work things out. I know that we really love each other and I need to finally get help for my trauma. I hope he will give me the chance to get that help and we can be a better couple.

I have never lived alone ever - the last time i was alone in my home for a week was when my kids all went to camp at the same time and it was awful for me. I probably only had 5 days alone before i went on a trip to my visit my brother and that was 11 years ago.

My fiance went to visit his family two summers ago and i was okay because i had my daughter to take care of.

It is so quiet in my house filled with cats.
 
RockSolid

RockSolid

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I went through a period of similar experiences some years back. My life was pretty stable and everything going good when out of the blue I started getting panic attacks whenever my wife would have to leave for work for a few days. What I discovered later on was that it was just the tip of the iceberg for what was to come. I ended up experiencing a long drawn out spiritual awakening and when I finally achieved cosmic consciousness it was an incredible experience that kept me in a state of rapture for nearly four months. Since then I have spent my time exhaustively researching every detail of what happened. In my case I am not only BPD but also on the spectrum for Schizotypy. Schizotypy is a milder form of Schizotypal, not Schizoid, Schizoid is completely different. Schizotypy has a positive aspect that has been researched, which is, that people with schizotypy are likely to be more aware of and receptive to spiritual awakening experiences. I don't know if you have any of the symptoms of schizotypy because it's quite rare but I thought you might be interested in my experience. Prior to all this I was a life long skeptic of anything even remotely spiritual. I didn't even know what an awakening really was. I just assumed wrongly that it was something religious and therefore had no interest in it.
 
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wonderwoman18

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Ottawa
Thanks for sharing your experience with me Rocksolid - i don't think that I am schizotypyl like you, but my bpd and adhd have made me have very spiritual experiences throughout my life - like i just know things like the night i met my fiance, i knew he was going to come talk to me if i went outside. Or once I had a dream about falling in an elevator and the next week, my kids in I were in an elevator falling when the power went out all over the city.

Usually I have been rather proud to be a borderline because I have huge empathy for other people's experiences and have a lot of wisdom and strength. I think I forgot about all of the my strengths lately because I have allowed myself to rely on my fiance so much.

My daughter's girlfriend has schizoaffective disorder and she seems wise beyond her years.
 
RockSolid

RockSolid

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Thanks for sharing your experience with me Rocksolid - i don't think that I am schizotypyl like you, but my bpd and adhd have made me have very spiritual experiences throughout my life - like i just know things like the night i met my fiance, i knew he was going to come talk to me if i went outside. Or once I had a dream about falling in an elevator and the next week, my kids in I were in an elevator falling when the power went out all over the city.

Usually I have been rather proud to be a borderline because I have huge empathy for other people's experiences and have a lot of wisdom and strength. I think I forgot about all of the my strengths lately because I have allowed myself to rely on my fiance so much.

My daughter's girlfriend has schizoaffective disorder and she seems wise beyond her years.
Experiencing premonitions can be a side effect of PTSD or any trauma that keeps you in a prolonged state of fight-or-flight. Imagine that each moment in time is a wave of vibration resembling a plucked string on a guitar. The collapse of the wave function sends vectors backward and forward in time just like vibrations on the guitar string. The vibration acts like a web which holds all the particles of the universe together. Most people remain unaware of this most of the time. However during certain states of consciousness, such as stress on the one hand or extreme mental harmony from years of meditation on the other hand, in these cases our minds are more aware of the workings of the unconscious. In this way you can gain a sense of what is about to happen because your mind is in tune with the plucked string of reality and you are subconsciously more aware the possibilities of what is about to happen. This state of mind is also achieved by great athletes. There is some real science behind this although it remains only theory because of the complexity. Basically your senses are heightened because you are using the more primitive part of your brain. When this happens microtubles in the brain are switched to a higher frequency and your consciousness becomes more non-local. When the brain operates at a higher frequency there occurs a backward referral of subjective experience which means that you experience more conscious moments per second than an average mind. Non-local consciousness can be thought of as the vibrations of the universe that are intrinsic all the way down to the quantum level. This is cosmic consciousness. Newborn babies are aware of this in a state of mind known as the oceanic feeling. Later in life when our minds grow weary of the reality society imposes upon us, we can reach a state of individuation in which we are ready to rediscover the oceanic feeling as an adult. Hindu mythology refers to this as the Brahman. The great zen master Bankei Butchi Kosai referred to it as the Unborn Buddha Mind.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thanks so much Lunus - your words have been very encouraging. I am feeling a lot better today as I had sleep and I got out of the house to buy a few groceries and my kids have all been able to talk to all three of my children today, along with my brother and my father. I have been relying so much on my fiance that I forgot have other supportive people in my life.

Everyone seems to think if I give my fiance the breather spending time with his family that he will come back thinking clearer and we can figure out how to work things out. I know that we really love each other and I need to finally get help for my trauma. I hope he will give me the chance to get that help and we can be a better couple.

I have never lived alone ever - the last time i was alone in my home for a week was when my kids all went to camp at the same time and it was awful for me. I probably only had 5 days alone before i went on a trip to my visit my brother and that was 11 years ago.

My fiance went to visit his family two summers ago and i was okay because i had my daughter to take care of.

It is so quiet in my house filled with cats.
So the plan is..have a long conversation with your partner, outline to him what you are struggling with and how to intend to address it so you become a stronger couple in the future. And remember, you were feeling low and sad and now you feel a little better. It just proves that sad thoughts always pass if you give them time. 😊
 
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wonderwoman18

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Ottawa
Well i would love to have this conversation with him Lunus - but he seems to have left me for good - took most of his belongings and locked me out of his banking - I feel like his family is spending the week telling him i am too dangerous to be with and that he has to leave me or that he will come home and say we have to live apart until I get help, but it is the being alone that was the trigger for the whole bpd rage - if he had not been going away for 8 days, i would never have behaved like that.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Well i would love to have this conversation with him Lunus - but he seems to have left me for good - took most of his belongings and locked me out of his banking - I feel like his family is spending the week telling him i am too dangerous to be with and that he has to leave me or that he will come home and say we have to live apart until I get help, but it is the being alone that was the trigger for the whole bpd rage - if he had not been going away for 8 days, i would never have behaved like that.
I’m sorry to hear that but remember until you actually hear from him what’s happening you don’t actually know. You are having negative thoughts and feelings but they are not facts yet, so don’t upset yourself too much. We all have exaggerated emotions so things can feel far worse than they are.
As regards your actions when he went away. That’s your BPD symptoms not you. However in the process of recovery you will need to learn to take responsibility for your actions, to take responsibility for the situation as it is now. No single person is responsible for anything, it’s always a combination. Living with BPD can be a nightmare, for you and your partner. Working out a treatment plan can only benefit you both. If you were alone you may actually recover quickly as partners tend to trigger you. I hope things work out for you.
 
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