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I was already depressed, then my boyfriend died next to me while we were sleeping.

L

lonergirl14

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Montana, USA
I have always struggled with depression and a few weeks back it was particularly bad. I had joined this site in search of finding some resources or someone to talk to. My depression had gotten to the point of suicide ideation and I ended up leaving my parents house out of fear of them being the ones to find me, since I knew I was feeling so horrible and wanted it all to just end.

I had relapsed on using drugs which increased my feelings and made me think I should definitely end my life. It was as if my mind was telling me to do it, over and over again. I do think I was holding back because honestly I was scared to end my life. I just felt like I had to.

The next few days I continued sleeping in my car and avoiding talking to anyone who reached out or trying to reach out to anyone. I just had no desire to talk. I felt like that was where it needed to end. But then I got my weeks worth of meds and thought that was how I would do it. I ended up injecting taking far too much to self harm. I was sure that would cause a fatal overdose, but I woke up. A few hours later. I was getting more and more hopeless and tried to plan ways of finding another resource to be able to go through with my plan, I had picked up my paycheck which was barely anything but I had written a note and left them next to each other to help with at least a little bit of the arrangements if possible. My boyfriend who I had recently started seeing then texted me. He had just gotten back into town, he insisted on coming to pick me up and for some reason he was the only one I felt comfortable opening up to. So I ended up going home with him, his mom was also visiting from out of town with him. We had a great couple of days even though they were a bit of a blur to me, as his mom had given me some pills to help me sleep and they ended up blacking me out for most the next day and through that night, I slept a bunch. But it was good for me I thought and I had my boyfriend to take care of me.... but then the horrible next morning came.. I had went to sleep with him at 1:30am that night.. I didn't wake up again until close to 1 pm the next day.. I was so tired. But when I woke up I realized he was no longer snoring.. I thought maybe he had put something over his mouth and nose to sleep as I saw there were bubbles.. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I went to the bathroom walked out the room, changed my shirt, came back in and laid down next to him. I was just waiting for him to wake up.. Then I was woken back up by his mom coming in she didn't say a word, she just slowly pulled the covers off me and told me "He is dead" That is when I went crazy, I kept trying to grab him, to do something to help him, but she pulled me off and told me not to touch him. I couldn't be in that room any longer it just made me so uncomfortable, and so upset. I didn't have my phone as it was in the room next to him on the bed.. His mom was in the room taking photographs of him on her cellphone.. She had no emotion, nothing, she even came to me and told me "This isn't a crime scene, you might as well go ahead and leave since I'm about to call the police" I refused as I had no reason to leave him alone, I wanted to be of help and do anything I could until I knew for fact there was nothing else we could do.. She went on to call the police and during the whole process I just couldn't make sense of her acceptance when literally it JUST happened. How could she even be in the same room as him without some sort of horrible emotions? Not wanting to try to save him or do something, not letting me do anything to help him. It just felt off. I was questioned by the police and then she told me that she had to start calling family so she needed me to leave. At that point there was nothing else I could do and I realized that. I left the house because I wanted to be respectful even though I just wanted to be by his side. I know I didn't get to be with him long at all but he was one to make me feel so loved and we were already going to have a kid, he pulled out my IUD the night before already! I wish you could get pregnant that fast, and who knows maybe you can, but at this point I just don't know yet as it is still so recent.

That same night I admitted myself into a short term treatment/mental health facility because all I could think was I had to do something for him, to not let his death be in vain, or without something positive that was in my control that I could do, and getting sober and getting help on my depression was the first place I could start, So I did. As much as I felt and wanted it to be me and not him, as much as I wanted to just numb it all away and forget the images in my mind of my loving new boyfriend laying there that dreadful morning. I still have so many unanswered questions as the autopsy results are still not back and can possibly take up to 10 weeks, which is just causing my head to spin more and more... I just can't understand how such an amazing, loving, beautiful person left this earth at such a young age... And his mom tried to tell me she already found peace.. that he was pretty much never going to get better so that was that... but that is just not true! I keep thinking maybe she did something. Even people who have known him much longer than me and were so much closer with him were thinking the same way as well. Which only confirmed that my suspicion was at least not completely off the wall.. But I have no place making assumptions when I just have no proof and honestly didn't even get the time to know him, or his mom, well enough to speculate. But I just can't keep from going there. At the end, the result is still the same, no matter what, he is gone, I am so upset, angry, sad, lonely, helpless and just praying this is all a bad dream and I can go back to that day and do something to change this loss and have him here with me again. I just want him back, I loved him and love him. The only thing I know is that he would have wanted me to help others and to be a shining light in this dark world, because that was what he was... He was an incredibly bright light of love and everything good in this world. I will never regret the time I got with him, only the time I didn't. I love and miss him so much I don't ever want to love again. Rest Easy MY Angel. I will see you again.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,543
Location
North Carolina
Im so sorry for your loss, I hope you can use it to make the changes you're looking for and not let his death be in vain. Good luck to you.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,956
Location
Southern USA
I'm so sorry! May he Rest In Peace.
My first thought was in this crisis you can find the catalyst for change!
Don't waste your time here in the world and welcome!
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
I dunno. Either he had a long term condition, or some kind of addiction complication.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
57,061
Location
Lancashire
I hope that you can find some peace eventually.

I am adding some useful info on suicide prevention which might be of help to you or others reading this post. I hope you understand.

Please tell a friend, a family member or someone from an organisation like the Samaritans about the issues you are experiencing. If you are in the UK or ROI the Samaritans can be called for free on 116 123. If you are in the USA the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be contacted on 1-800-273-8255
or suicidepreventionlifeline.org In the USA and Canada 211 is a number you can use to access information about social services.

In other countries you can find similar services by looking at the Befrienders Worldwide Website at Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide

Our web page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
S

Started 1976

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
90
Location
Derbyshire
I am so sorry for your loss.Try to be strong for Him but also for Yourself.God Bless.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
I have always struggled with depression and a few weeks back it was particularly bad. I had joined this site in search of finding some resources or someone to talk to. My depression had gotten to the point of suicide ideation and I ended up leaving my parents house out of fear of them being the ones to find me, since I knew I was feeling so horrible and wanted it all to just end.

I had relapsed on using drugs which increased my feelings and made me think I should definitely end my life. It was as if my mind was telling me to do it, over and over again. I do think I was holding back because honestly I was scared to end my life. I just felt like I had to.

The next few days I continued sleeping in my car and avoiding talking to anyone who reached out or trying to reach out to anyone. I just had no desire to talk. I felt like that was where it needed to end. But then I got my weeks worth of meds and thought that was how I would do it. I ended up injecting taking far too much to self harm. I was sure that would cause a fatal overdose, but I woke up. A few hours later. I was getting more and more hopeless and tried to plan ways of finding another resource to be able to go through with my plan, I had picked up my paycheck which was barely anything but I had written a note and left them next to each other to help with at least a little bit of the arrangements if possible. My boyfriend who I had recently started seeing then texted me. He had just gotten back into town, he insisted on coming to pick me up and for some reason he was the only one I felt comfortable opening up to. So I ended up going home with him, his mom was also visiting from out of town with him. We had a great couple of days even though they were a bit of a blur to me, as his mom had given me some pills to help me sleep and they ended up blacking me out for most the next day and through that night, I slept a bunch. But it was good for me I thought and I had my boyfriend to take care of me.... but then the horrible next morning came.. I had went to sleep with him at 1:30am that night.. I didn't wake up again until close to 1 pm the next day.. I was so tired. But when I woke up I realized he was no longer snoring.. I thought maybe he had put something over his mouth and nose to sleep as I saw there were bubbles.. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I went to the bathroom walked out the room, changed my shirt, came back in and laid down next to him. I was just waiting for him to wake up.. Then I was woken back up by his mom coming in she didn't say a word, she just slowly pulled the covers off me and told me "He is dead" That is when I went crazy, I kept trying to grab him, to do something to help him, but she pulled me off and told me not to touch him. I couldn't be in that room any longer it just made me so uncomfortable, and so upset. I didn't have my phone as it was in the room next to him on the bed.. His mom was in the room taking photographs of him on her cellphone.. She had no emotion, nothing, she even came to me and told me "This isn't a crime scene, you might as well go ahead and leave since I'm about to call the police" I refused as I had no reason to leave him alone, I wanted to be of help and do anything I could until I knew for fact there was nothing else we could do.. She went on to call the police and during the whole process I just couldn't make sense of her acceptance when literally it JUST happened. How could she even be in the same room as him without some sort of horrible emotions? Not wanting to try to save him or do something, not letting me do anything to help him. It just felt off. I was questioned by the police and then she told me that she had to start calling family so she needed me to leave. At that point there was nothing else I could do and I realized that. I left the house because I wanted to be respectful even though I just wanted to be by his side. I know I didn't get to be with him long at all but he was one to make me feel so loved and we were already going to have a kid, he pulled out my IUD the night before already! I wish you could get pregnant that fast, and who knows maybe you can, but at this point I just don't know yet as it is still so recent.

That same night I admitted myself into a short term treatment/mental health facility because all I could think was I had to do something for him, to not let his death be in vain, or without something positive that was in my control that I could do, and getting sober and getting help on my depression was the first place I could start, So I did. As much as I felt and wanted it to be me and not him, as much as I wanted to just numb it all away and forget the images in my mind of my loving new boyfriend laying there that dreadful morning. I still have so many unanswered questions as the autopsy results are still not back and can possibly take up to 10 weeks, which is just causing my head to spin more and more... I just can't understand how such an amazing, loving, beautiful person left this earth at such a young age... And his mom tried to tell me she already found peace.. that he was pretty much never going to get better so that was that... but that is just not true! I keep thinking maybe she did something. Even people who have known him much longer than me and were so much closer with him were thinking the same way as well. Which only confirmed that my suspicion was at least not completely off the wall.. But I have no place making assumptions when I just have no proof and honestly didn't even get the time to know him, or his mom, well enough to speculate. But I just can't keep from going there. At the end, the result is still the same, no matter what, he is gone, I am so upset, angry, sad, lonely, helpless and just praying this is all a bad dream and I can go back to that day and do something to change this loss and have him here with me again. I just want him back, I loved him and love him. The only thing I know is that he would have wanted me to help others and to be a shining light in this dark world, because that was what he was... He was an incredibly bright light of love and everything good in this world. I will never regret the time I got with him, only the time I didn't. I love and miss him so much I don't ever want to love again. Rest Easy MY Angel. I will see you again.
im so sorry for your loss....RIP
 
L

lonergirl14

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Montana, USA
Thank you all so much, I feel like getting it all out was really important for me.. And I can feel a lot of love from all responses. Thanks for not reading or playing too much into what I have been saying trying to figure out what happened and for realizing that sorry for your loss is probably the only thing that will sit well with someone in the grieving process. I am just so glad I found this site and hope to be able to continue talking with all of you and getting some ideas on how to use this loss as a reason to make a difference and live to help others. That is the only way any of this can even start to make some sort of sense, I must carry on his legacy and not let it all be in vain or for nothing. I am just grateful for your support, everyone, thanks again.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,956
Location
Southern USA
Not only his legacy. Yours, too. *The both of you.
Let us know.
Be cool.
 
L

lonergirl14

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Montana, USA
Not only his legacy. Yours, too. *The both of you.
Let us know.
Be cool.
wow its funny i honestly just messaged you because i felt connected to your first reply and here you are already being the first one to respond again, there is a reason i felt that way. thank you so very much, you are a good person.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,956
Location
Southern USA
When opportunity knocks, answer.
do not self sabotage.
Personally I'd stay away from that mother. Idk just a feeling.
Peace!
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
There were no drugs or alcohol in his system.
I don't want to sound like I was accusing him of anything, but sudden deaths seem too often to connect to something like that.

What I meant was, sometimes things just happen - Don't let yourself blame yourself for this.

-hug-
 
L

lonergirl14

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Montana, USA
I don't want to sound like I was accusing him of anything, but sudden deaths seem too often to connect to something like that.

What I meant was, sometimes things just happen - Don't let yourself blame yourself for this.

-hug-
Thank you so much, sorry for the short reply, just wanted to inform anyone reading about the initial findings.
 
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