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I was a toxic friend (and I was vulnerable)

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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
220
Location
The Unknown
I've been holding this back because I haven't been able to articulate it to anyone. There's a strong sense of guilt and anger that I've been feeling for almost a year now. I've only recently been getting help from a therapist, but I know it's only beginning to get worse.

Back in June 2019, I had an abrupt break-up with a friend of almost 8 years. We were close in our middle school years, then split up once and then became friends again. It wasn't until my friend came out as a transgender male. Of course I embraced him with open arms because I found nothing wrong with it, quite the opposite, I accepted him almost immediately! During our friendship, there were times where we frequently argued and I always had this defensive take on what he'd tell me. I didn't respond well to confrontation, especially with experiences with bullying/teasing. There were also times when I'd act lowkey ignorant/manipulative towards him. It wasn't pleasant due to the fact I guilt tripped him a lot. Over the years, I've grown attracted to him and wanted to date him, but it wasn't natural. I could tell he didn't feel the same about me, but I pushed it on him. I grew openly jealous/possessive of him, which came from depression as well because I wasn't able to see him. Our friendship finally came to a grinding halt in October 2018. I had been holding on to a collection of crystals/tarot cards he sent to my house until I could give him his package. I diligently watch his items over the summer and opened his package to make sure nothing broke. Finally, a small crystal convention was being held at a nearby college where I could hand over his stuff, but unfortunately, I forgot them at home. When I arrived and told him after I noticed they were missing, he seemed calm/forgiving towards me. Not long after, he tells me that he'll be busy and won't talk to me until May or so. May comes and goes, no friend. I decide to message him on June 1st and an hour into talking, we bring up going on a camping trip with his boyfriend. I talk about how him, his boyfriend, and I will have a fun time but I forget his boyfriend's non-binary. I make the mistake repeatedly and then he messages me saying that he's had it being my friend and that doesn't want to talk to me again. A day later, he makes a twitter thread about me while covering my profile pic with a clown emoji. He exploits me and says I have "multiple mental illnesses" and claims I am a abuser, a transphobe, and a thief. I was mortified and had trouble sleeping that night, but to this day it makes me like hot garbage nobody wants. I have trouble making friends and feel paranoid about what people already think of me.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post. Goodnight.
 
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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
220
Location
The Unknown
P.S.

I'm in no way playing the victim card because I'm telling the truth, but it doesn't make it right for people you've trusted to spread false information about you just because they've grown sick of you. Maybe I did deserve what was coming to me.
 

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