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I want to share my musings in the spirit of Christmas

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teddybear2067

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
30
Location
UK
Hello to all who read this =)

Diaries have been a big part of my life. They are perfect for venting when you're in a bad mood. I've kept a diary regularly since I was 14, sometimes covering five pages a day. I was writing in it this evening, and I decided to share what I wrote with the Bipolar Disorder Forum. It's my hope that I can share what I have recently discovered and come to terms with, and hopefully some of you will feel the same way.
I warn you that this will be a long post, so I won't be offended if you don't read on. But if you do, then thank you =)

It started when I just finished watching an Asian drama called "Kamisama Mou Sukoshi Dake". I love watching romantic films and dramas, but they always put me in a bit of a broody mood. I cry a lot at beautiful films, and I always end up asking myself: "Oh, why can't I fall in love?"
This always brings up the subjects of not being good enough, not attractive enough, etc. All the doubts most of us have had in our lives. But then I stopped. And I thought. I'm not going to find happiness in another until I find happiness in myself.
It's not a new philosophy, but for some reason it really struck me this evening. I got to thinking about my life and what I've been through. How far I've come, and what the meaning of happiness is.

I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder my whole life. I didn't start to get better until I was 16. It's been almost six years since I was properly diagnosed and I have come a long way. I have realized who I am, what I want from life. But the most important part of all my struggles, is that I have finally accepted myself for who I am. Probably the most important part of anyone's life.
Do you know what happened? I stopped my medication a few months ago. I was on depakote for about five years, and it helped me get better and go on to do good things with my life. Like move to England and attend university. But I stopped my meds. And since stopping, I have felt so much better. Even on my bad days, I've felt good about myself. I'm always going to have bad days, no amount of medication can change that, but my lows haven't been so bad. I realized that comes with a state of self-acceptance. I have accepted my condition. It took years of fighting, denial, depression, hurting myself and people I love, but I finally understand myself and that my condition is part of who I am. And guess what? Now that I have accepted it, it's so much easier to handle. It's just a part of life now. It doesn't hurt me anymore. I can deal with it. And I'm okay with it.

I aspire to be a film director, and touch people with my movies as I have been touched by movies. One day I want to make a film about my experiences. An autobiography project, or something like that. I want to illustrate the life of someone like me. Like us. How life has been tough, not just for me, but for those around me, too. But also to show how lucky I am. I have survived many things. It made me strong and wise. My ordeals made me who I am, and gave me the courage to live my life and work hard to achieve my goals. I have a life ahead of me. It took me almsot 20 years to figure that out. I don't want to waste it, because I'm lucky to be alive. I want to live, to love myself, and to help and inspire others.

And I hope, in the meantime, I have inspired you. Whether you are new to this condition, or if you've lived with it for a while, we are all in the same boat. We undertand each other, even if sometimes we don't understand ourselves. I've been through almost 20 years of questioning my life, and I can finally say that I'm past it. I have finally reached the coveted stage of self-acceptance.
My message to you is this:

Smile. Take each day as it comes and don't force yourself. If you're having a low day, take the time to do what it takes to make you feel better. Don't be ashamed of yourself anymore. It's a painful condition, but shame solves nothing. It's not an easy thing to do, but someday you will find self-acceptance. But don't force it. You need a lot of soul-searching to find it. I mean, it took me 20 years! But every moment was worth it, because I am happy with who I am. Even on a low day, I still feel good about myself.

I wish everyone the best of luck. I wish everyone to have a high spirit in the wake of Christmas. Don't give in. There is the light at the end of the tunnel, and don't worry, it isn't a train. It's happiness and acceptance, and you'll reach it.

Merry Christmas.

Tess x
 
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Kat667

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2009
Messages
95
Location
Bath
I have a friend who worked as a film director, maybe I could put you in touch with him?
 
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teddybear2067

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
30
Location
UK
I have a friend who worked as a film director, maybe I could put you in touch with him?
Really? That sounds interesting =)
Thanku and merry christmas
 
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SmileyGirl

Guest
That sounds fantabulous. I wish you well in your plans.

I excel to be smiley every single day. Actually I am smiley every single day, but I mean REALLY smiley with my eyes too. You can't smile properly without your eyes glistening.

Have a wonderful Christmas and thanks for your post x x
 
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