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I want to relapse

J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,531
Location
Florida
Thanks for the picture and keep them coming I think this a good part of your soul taking pictures and may calm you in times of stress and certainly will enlighten me. I love your pictures.
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
This evening I'm completely alone again.. something I know isn't great for my mind.. I try to distract myself. I played the ukelele and read my dairy.. the one from 5 years ago..

I see that same kid again. The same feelings..
Something i struggle with all my life.. then I was only 15.. I feel sad..

It's just I don't know what to do with my feelings..
I don't know how to handle thoughts..

It's like a never ending story.. repeating itself again and again.. sometimes i wish it would stop.
That I could be happy.. it's not for me..
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
212
Location
new zealand
Hi,

Do you like hiking or walking, fitness type things, @Justafriend95? I wonder if going outside and just absorbing nature; the birds chirping in the trees, the sun shining down, clouds, hiking somewhere, etc., might help to shift your emotional state while at the same time giving you exercise? Whether you need the exercise or not, it's still good.

As someone who struggles emotionally, I do find it helps.

Stay strong Justafriend95. Persevere, persevere, persevere, never giving up, and one day things will change for the best. I do believe that.
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
212
Location
new zealand
@Justafriend95

Mind you, walking/hiking can still be a lonely affair unless you can walk with a friend. Or if it's on your own, like me, I just see the birds, the trees, cats, all the living things as my friends. Sounds pathetic but it's not. It's a spiritual way of looking at things. Mother nature.
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
I was like I am now.. self harming and having thoughts.. hated myself so much.. didn't eat only drink..

Then I used a lot of alcohol.. now only sometimes... It replaced with 18+ things.

I want to lose my pain inside.. I don't want to die but something in me wants it to stop.. it feels like an option. But I can't.. and I never will..

J is my everything.. my mam dad and my brothers and sisters, my family my friends.. I can't.. I need to stay.. I suffer for them instead of letting them suffer because I dyed..

Maybe it will be better one day.. maybe not but I don't know if I don't try..

So please know I'm not dying.. I'm here and I'm staying here. I love everyone here
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
My urge doesnt stop and it makes my head fk crazy.. think I'm going to take medication and try to sleep.. because this is not going to get better only worse and I'm home alone...
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,153
Location
Nowhere
J is my everything.. my mam dad and my brothers and sisters, my family my friends.. I can't.. I need to stay.. I suffer for them instead of letting them suffer because I dyed..
n yeah , sometimes I'm staying here for my family too,
because my mother made herself depart
and I know what it does to the people we leave behind

:love: :love: :love:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
n yeah , sometimes I'm staying here for my family too,
because my mother made herself depart
and I know what it does to the people we leave behind

:love: :love: :love:
Im so sorry you had to deal with that
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
I had a good night. I didn't have night terrors and did sleep 8 hours. Urge is still there.. don't know what to do anymore.. 😣 don't feel like myself as if I'm a empty shell..

Scared I will hurt myself really bad.. and I don't know where to go.. I don't know where to go with this thoughts and feelings..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
I'm thinking of telling my person of trust at school what I'm going true.. but I don't know how.. and it scares me to hell..

But I can't live like this anymore.. everyday the thoughts of me trying to hurt myself so bad I will black out..

It is not healthy.. I can't focus.. it's a hell I don't want to live in anymore.. I want it s to fucking stop...
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,153
Location
Nowhere
Friend , maybe you could look at what you have written here,
get a piece of paper, and write down some important points
for the person of trust at school
and then you can show it to her/him

that would be a good start

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
662
Location
Netherlands
Did sh again today.. I told J how I really felt and I think he is getting now that it is not going okay..

I'm a little scared to see him this afternoon but I have to.. I know he is trying to help but I hope he doesn't take my materials away because if I can't do that anymore I'm going to lose my shit..

In my head I know that that's the thing he is going to do..
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,153
Location
Nowhere
Friend that is not OK for him to take your materials away
that is partner control

please try to talk to the teacher

:hug5:
 
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