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I want to relapse

Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
My grandpa is losing his battle with cancer..
Its waiting until he passes away.. I have a feeling that tomorrow is the day..

I can't deal with this.. I don't want him to suffer.. I really dont.. but we are so far away.. J can't say goodbye to him anymore and it breaks my heart..


we had 2,5 weeks left of are vacation.. the ticket back will be €3000,- euro x2 because we did buy a ticket back when we left.. but I don't think we have a choice.. I hope we got the money for that..

I want to sh so bad.. I don't know how to controle myself anymore.. I can't do this..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Did sleep real bad.. what doesnt make my depression better than it was. Slept the hole afternoon and still am very tired. My head hurts from crying yesterday.. it doesn't stop...

Feel so broken.. 😔
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Tomorrow is the day.. I feel it.. tomorrow I'm going to hurt myself again.. my head is going places I don't want to go.. I need to..

Tomorrow school starts again. Something I normally enjoy a lot.. something I can't wait for..
This year is different.. I'm nervous, trowing up and so restless..

My head feels like dying before tomorrow.. how can I face my friends at this stage.. I don't know anymore... I need to see it again, to feel it..

I know I'm a compleet idiot for thinking that. Also for what happens yesterday.. I'm getting a habit of not eating or trowing up.. not because I want to.. maybe in the back of my head I want to but I now how bad it is to do that..

I don't want to get fat.. I need controle.. I need selfharm.. I feel so lost..

I can't face my friends.. i don't want to.. they don't understand they think I want attention.. I a way I need attention but for help not for fun ..

Tomorrow is the day..
Finally I can 🤬
I want it to end..
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
I hope you dont harm Friend
we love having you here
please phone a helpline or something instead of harming

do a search for it ...

:love: :love: :love:
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,748
Location
Florida
My goodness you just came home and now school. The good thing as I have read your posts you will do just fine. I sure appreciate all your pictures and know that I think you are very talented. School will be fine no fears love and hugs Jules.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
if you're back in the Netherlands
you might be able to look for some help ? :love:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
My goodness you just came home and now school. The good thing as I have read your posts you will do just fine. I sure appreciate all your pictures and know that I think you are very talented. School will be fine no fears love and hugs Jules.
Yes came home Saturday.. had 1 day to rest but my parents came and I had to go to my grand parents. So I'm tired..

I can't handle any kind of pressure... And school will do that.. because my exam is next Thursday..

My friends don't see my pain and struggle.. they think it is too much and don't want to deal with that.. I know they don't mean it like that but I feels like they don't care.. you know..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Did call they crisis team today because I couldn't handle everything anymore.. they told me to try the app calm harm. IDK if it works.. but I can try.

My feelings are not gone.. still feel like SH.. I know nobody wants me to but I can't handle the shit today..

When I come home today I will be alone for the rest of the night because j has work to do.. so there is no one to help me..

🤬 I hate this feeling
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Did self harm:cry:
I can't handle school anymore
My coach for my internship is the teacher I hate the most. I need to work in a group with people in my class I hate...

I really want to die right know..
 
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