• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

I want to relapse

Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
k , well yes I would not accommodate big spiders actually
I can tolerate them up to about 2 cm !

looking forward to more of your holiday adventures

:dance:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
k , well yes I would not accommodate big spiders actually
I can tolerate them up to about 2 cm !

looking forward to more of your holiday adventures

:dance:
We came into the new homestay and I found a spider.. omg not 2 cm. When his legs where cricket he was 15 cm.

I screamed so the landlord came and removed it for me. She told me that it was the biggest one she had ever seen..

Omg and it was in my bathroom 😅 why always me! The universe is against me 😂
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
OMG 15 cm ! that would freak me out too !

glad to know you're oK

see you later

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
My thoughts are heavy today. And I feel restless..
We have a new homestay and that's great only it is right next to a Mosque. The houses are not isolated so it's echoing in the room.

I causes me to have nervous breakdowns.. I get so restless of the sound. It's really high or low and that's something I get really restless about in my head and Body. It causes a lot of stress..

I'm now 31 days clean of SH.. didn't go without a lot of stress and anxiety but made it till here..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
I feel like I am fooling everybody including myself. I try to feel okay but I really don't. It's not like I want to die or something..


But this entire trip to Thailand and Indonesia is really fun. I try to enjoy it as much as I can. That means 50% of the time. For you it maybe sounds a lot or maybe you think it's low but it is what it is.


I begin to notice how I forget a lot of things. Don't hear my husband speaking anymore because I'm so in my own headspace. Today he asked if I listen if he talks to me. He feels like I'm ignoring him..
I feel so bad for him but I don't do it on purpose.


Sometimes I wish he would read more about depression so he can understand me better.. but idk how to talk to him about that.


‌I'm feeling so exhausted, low on energie, numb and just negative and nervous.

‌To be 100% open I stress about school already. I'm overthinking I guess in the negative way.. I already thinking of giving up and the year isn't even started yet.. all the things I have to do it makes me want to trow up..

When I come home I start self haming again. I'm going to lose my shit. I'm stressed out before I even started..


I have to do my internship at this big ass compagnie what is really something for me. The only thing is that it's all new. That freaks me out.. I'm scared that my depression is in the way for me to succeed at this internship. I can't think clearly and feel like I'm going crazy..


‌I have no friends for support and no backup. My husband tries his best but finds it difficult to understand. He doesn't know the feeling. He is the opposite of me. Always thinking forward, always positieve and a hard worker. Strong, stable and mature.w

‌the only friend that got me for 100% left me without saying a word. He just ignores me and I don't know why..
‌so I'm back with my own thoughts again.. can tell you the are f**k* up.

‌I think it sounds stupid but I wish I was in a mental hospital for I don't now a few months.. so I can get help and feel better. Cooping with life and stuff..

‌sorry if that offended someone I didn't mean to hurt you.. but it is how I feel.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
well done for the clean days
I would also have difficulty hearing religious noise
over a prolonged period
is there any way you can put some music on yourself
using a phone or tablet or something ? tv ?

I id alot with your shares, the 50 % thing ,
being unable to concentrate when spoken to
I even feel a bit numb today, im on pain killers

I think if your husband is strong, stable and mature
you could ask him to sit down and listen to what you are going through
even ask him to read up on it or to seek advice
about how he might help you
he might welcome this idea

reason I like your writing so much
is that the emotions are very strong, very concentrated
like listening to heavy metal or rock

keep writing !

:loveshower::loveshower::loveshower:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Feel completely nothing at all..
I'm just in between his white walls Al day.
Looking at nothing, seeing nothing and feeling nothing..

The high sealing gives me rest. Like a can breath.. I feel save for some reason. Even when I didnt came out of bed the last few days..

Although it feels so perfect now.. I know what is next. I don't know when it will arrive but it's on his way.. calm before the storm.

Next days are going to be really rough.. I'm hoping that someone will be there when I need to.. but I think it's going to be me, myself and I again...

Don't feel like eating tonight.. so I skip that. Hope I will sleep okay.. hope my nightmares stay away tonight. I need my sleep to battle my fights in my head..
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
:bravo:

awesome writing !
can you show it to anyone you know in your personal life ?
maybe not
but it might help you to reach out to them

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
:bravo:

awesome writing !
can you show it to anyone you know in your personal life ?
maybe not
but it might help you to reach out to them

:hug5:
Nope that's just the thing why I'm here... 🥺
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
k I wonder if there is more resources for you online
while you are away

e.g. Emotional Support

I have used their forum , but not their one to one support
they might have something for you
or some information where to get it

then I did a search and found this

Mental Health care in NL - XPAT.NL

I have not tried these resources

but I have had a struggle to find support in my country as well
I had to keep searching and searching
begging pleading for support sometimes

also you have a great husband
maybe he can help you to search

I dont know but if you keep looking
you might find someone who can talk on Skype

:love:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
k I wonder if there is more resources for you online
while you are away

e.g. Emotional Support

I have used their forum , but not their one to one support
they might have something for you
or some information where to get it

then I did a search and found this

Mental Health care in NL - XPAT.NL

I have not tried these resources

but I have had a struggle to find support in my country as well
I had to keep searching and searching
begging pleading for support sometimes

also you have a great husband
maybe he can help you to search

I dont know but if you keep looking
you might find someone who can talk on Skype

:love:
This morning I fall hard mentally. I just cryed in my husbands arms.. saying I don't want anything anymore.. he didnt know how to react.

He gave me a hug and then we did eat some breakfast. That's it..

Laying in bed know.. hope I be home soon. I miss my parents so much.. but when I come home I have to go to school. I already have anxiety attacks when I think about it.. so I don't want to go home but I do...

Idk how to fight my battle anymore.. because it turns against myself.. nothing I can do about it..
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,162
Location
Nowhere
k well my family are like that
they care but they dont know how to help
probably the same with your husband

its something to hold onto that he loves you
and treats you well

maybe he needs more instruction
about how to help you

you're welcome, keep sharing !

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
Stayed again in bed today. Feel sick.. tomorrow we leave to lombock. I don't want to.. my anxiety is so high. My mind and body so tired.. I can't do this anymore..

I just want to go home. 😭
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
810
Location
Netherlands
My body is turning against me..:cry:
I got blisters and irritation, my skin is super sensitive and I almost fainted in the bathroom because I lost to much weight the last 3 days..

How I'm a going to survive 2,5 weeks..
 
Top