I want to relapse

Z

Zoe1

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#61
you mean you are Indonesian , living in the Netherlands ?
or the other way round ?
I thought healthcare was quite good in the Netherlands

I dont know what else to suggest,

lots of loves

:love::love::love::love::love:
 
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Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#62
you mean you are Indonesian , living in the Netherlands ?
or the other way round ?
I thought healthcare was quite good in the Netherlands

I dont know what else to suggest,

lots of loves

:love::love::love::love::love:
I live in the Netherlands and I am on vacation in Indonesia 😉 health care is good in the Netherlands but you don't get a lot of help.

It's like there has to be a episode before the take you in a mental hospital. Only being suicidal isn't enough. To get a therapist you have to wait.

In the city tis can take up 3 years. In the village around 4-5 months. For normal docters appointments you can go every day. But I'm in Indonesia now so that's not possible.
 
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Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#63
I'm mad, sad and kind of wondering..
Because of the bladder inflammation I have to take medication.

We didn't have water anymore so I told my husband to get some.. (I was already in my sleeping clothes).

He told me to use radler to swallow my medication. I'm upset now.. does he want me to die or something... He became mad at me because I didn't want to do that.. he told me why not. You just had radler to. ( Have to say that I forgot I had medication). And that it would mix up because I had it before...

When I told him good luck tommorow if I'm dead.. he did say nice and quite..
So why not taking my medicine with radler...

IDK what to think about his reaction 😓 I think he was tired.. and doesn't know how to respond to me anymore but I feel really bad... The thought stays in my mind that he doesn't care if I die..

Even when I know he cares... My mind fucked it up.. start crying now. Don't know how to handle this right now..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#64
I'm in a fk bad place now..
Feel like I want to attack someone.. I'm not like that at all... But I'm so broken of his reaction..

Why stop SH if he doesn't even care..
It's not worth the fight..
 
L

Lunar Lady

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#65
Hey :hug:

It's okay...we all get really low, sometimes.

I can follow your husband's male reasoning...you've got Radler sloshing around in your tummy...doesn't matter what you wash your tablets down with - they're still destined to land in a stomach full of Radler ;) This is 'man thinking'. 'Woman thinking' is "I must take tablets with water, as instructed." He probably just didn't feel like going and getting water - we all have our lazy moments...doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I think you're just a little low right now, sweetie. It's almost 10 pm in Thailand, right? Get comfortable and get some sleep - you might just be exhausted :hug:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#66
Hey :hug:

It's okay...we all get really low, sometimes.

I can follow your husband's male reasoning...you've got Radler sloshing around in your tummy...doesn't matter what you wash your tablets down with - they're still destined to land in a stomach full of Radler ;) This is 'man thinking'. 'Woman thinking' is "I must take tablets with water, as instructed." He probably just didn't feel like going and getting water - we all have our lazy moments...doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I think you're just a little low right now, sweetie. It's almost 10 pm in Thailand, right? Get comfortable and get some sleep - you might just be exhausted :hug:
I'm in nusa panida now. So it's 23:00 can't sleep till 00:00 because I need to take my medication.

My mind is in a really bad place right now..
I want to go outside.. but idk what my mind is going to do. It's saver to stay inside..

I'm totally breaking down.. no one to fk talk to. I can't do this anymore..
 
Z

Zoe1

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#67
hi Justafriend

I am watching this thread, I get notifications for it
and will be thinking of you and rooting for you
to pull through this somehow

:love::love::love::love::love:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#68
Did take my medication. Little to early but I need to sleep. Getting anxiety and creepy feeling of being watched..

If I sleep I can't hurt myself.. so I think that's a good thing..
 
J

Jules5

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#70
Sweet dreams and know we care on here. I just pray you will get through this episode. Thank God they do not last forever.

My latest medications make me hungry not Good... Lol Lots of hugs and love
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#72
Today it not going well..:shove:
I traveled for like 4 hours and I broke down. The music in the first taxi was really loud and had a hard bass. Something I can't Handel when I am feeling fine.. in this position I wanted to jump out of the car. My ears hurt that much and I got an anxiety attack :hankie:

I made it to the pier. Jumped in a boat en sailt to Bali. On Bali I had to go in a taxi again. Again the taxi owner had a music box with loud and heavy bass..:faint:

Then I needed to go on 2 more boats. Over the high waves. I was so scared... :cry: when I came to gilli meno I broke down. All the Thrills where just to much... The hotel what we booked looked nothing like the pictures. (n) Everywhere there are spider webs and we only have a cold shower. (The shower isn't that bad I like cold showers)

Now my head hurts like shit and I just want to sleep.. because I'm so tired :sorry:
 
Z

Zoe1

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#73
k thanks for sharing your latest adventure

was this a holiday trip or what was it ?

and you dont feel you can ask a taxi driver
to turn the music down ?
I do actually ask them to turn it down
because it can damage your hearing

if you say its hurting you they should listen

spider webs actually catch mosquitos
so I welcome mine !

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#75
k thanks for sharing your latest adventure

was this a holiday trip or what was it ?

and you dont feel you can ask a taxi driver
to turn the music down ?
I do actually ask them to turn it down
because it can damage your hearing

if you say its hurting you they should listen

spider webs actually catch mosquitos
so I welcome mine !

:hug5:
Yes im back packing in Thailand and Indonesia for 7 weeks. This was a vacation trip.

There where more people in de car.. so I was scared to ask.

The have big spiders here. And spiders with poison. So yeah I'm not really comfortable. Oh and scorpio's
 
Z

Zoe1

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#76
k , well yes I would not accommodate big spiders actually
I can tolerate them up to about 2 cm !

looking forward to more of your holiday adventures

:dance:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#77
k , well yes I would not accommodate big spiders actually
I can tolerate them up to about 2 cm !

looking forward to more of your holiday adventures

:dance:
We came into the new homestay and I found a spider.. omg not 2 cm. When his legs where cricket he was 15 cm.

I screamed so the landlord came and removed it for me. She told me that it was the biggest one she had ever seen..

Omg and it was in my bathroom 😅 why always me! The universe is against me 😂
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#79
My thoughts are heavy today. And I feel restless..
We have a new homestay and that's great only it is right next to a Mosque. The houses are not isolated so it's echoing in the room.

I causes me to have nervous breakdowns.. I get so restless of the sound. It's really high or low and that's something I get really restless about in my head and Body. It causes a lot of stress..

I'm now 31 days clean of SH.. didn't go without a lot of stress and anxiety but made it till here..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#80
I feel like I am fooling everybody including myself. I try to feel okay but I really don't. It's not like I want to die or something..


But this entire trip to Thailand and Indonesia is really fun. I try to enjoy it as much as I can. That means 50% of the time. For you it maybe sounds a lot or maybe you think it's low but it is what it is.


I begin to notice how I forget a lot of things. Don't hear my husband speaking anymore because I'm so in my own headspace. Today he asked if I listen if he talks to me. He feels like I'm ignoring him..
I feel so bad for him but I don't do it on purpose.


Sometimes I wish he would read more about depression so he can understand me better.. but idk how to talk to him about that.


‌I'm feeling so exhausted, low on energie, numb and just negative and nervous.

‌To be 100% open I stress about school already. I'm overthinking I guess in the negative way.. I already thinking of giving up and the year isn't even started yet.. all the things I have to do it makes me want to trow up..

When I come home I start self haming again. I'm going to lose my shit. I'm stressed out before I even started..


I have to do my internship at this big ass compagnie what is really something for me. The only thing is that it's all new. That freaks me out.. I'm scared that my depression is in the way for me to succeed at this internship. I can't think clearly and feel like I'm going crazy..


‌I have no friends for support and no backup. My husband tries his best but finds it difficult to understand. He doesn't know the feeling. He is the opposite of me. Always thinking forward, always positieve and a hard worker. Strong, stable and mature.w

‌the only friend that got me for 100% left me without saying a word. He just ignores me and I don't know why..
‌so I'm back with my own thoughts again.. can tell you the are f**k* up.

‌I think it sounds stupid but I wish I was in a mental hospital for I don't now a few months.. so I can get help and feel better. Cooping with life and stuff..

‌sorry if that offended someone I didn't mean to hurt you.. but it is how I feel.
 
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