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I want to relapse

Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Jul 7, 2019
Messages
677
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Netherlands
awww I'm sorry sweetie
you are handling it quite well actually
because you are aware of your grief and vulnerability at this time
so you are not in denial about it

and crying is very good for you

what was grand dad like ?

:hug5: πŸ’œ
He was a strange men actually but also nice.
He was super smart and had a lot of computer knowledge.

My husband looks a bit like him. Not in the fiscal way but the brain. The jokes and the self teaching.

I miss him.. Wednesday is the funeral. I can see him before but I don't know if that's a good idea because it may trigger feelings that I don't want to feel..
 
Z

Zoe1

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sounds like a lovely grand dad
keep posting about him if you like
and things you did together

as for ' seeing him ' I dont know ...
I would trust my instincts on that
and I probably would not want to

im not even sure if I will go to my Dads funeral when he dies actually
I might find it upsetting and its entirely up to me

:hug5: πŸ’œ
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Messages
677
Location
Netherlands
Today is the funeral. My stomach hurts so much..
I'm nervous but I need to go. So today no internship but a funeral...

Wish me luck

Feeling anxious.. can't SH because J is leaving Saturday and my "sister" is coming.. I don't want to scare the shit out of her.. so need to deal with this only idk how...
 
Z

Zoe1

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awwww good luck Friend :goodluck:

people here care about you
and want to hear about it
I would take a piece of paper with me
so I can jot down how I'm feeling
and share it later

let us know later how it went

:hug5::loveshower::loveshower::loveshower:🌠
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Messages
677
Location
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Today was really hard. The funeral was beautiful and draining. At home I had the chance to see my granddad. First I didn't want to go but I almost directly regretted that.

So I did see him. It was really scary and he looked dead at the same time so alive.. as if he was just sleeping. I got a panic attack that he was going to scare us..

I felt the need to touche him. So scared as I was I did touch him. He was so cold. It felt like a confirmation. I'm glad I did it. I'm proud of myself.

I only hope I don't get any nightmares..
 
Z

Zoe1

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well done Friend , really brave day for you ...

you might need some distraction now
to get you ready for bed

is there any kind of media you like to watch ?

:hug5: πŸ’œ
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
677
Location
Netherlands
well done Friend , really brave day for you ...

you might need some distraction now
to get you ready for bed

is there any kind of media you like to watch ?

:hug5: πŸ’œ
In in the car. Need to drive home for 2 hours. I'm really tired I fall asleep if I rest my head.
 
Z

Zoe1

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k well maybe fall asleep in the car for a bit
then you can watch something nice when you get home
maybe light a candle

πŸ’œ 🌠
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Messages
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J is driving for the people that think I'm going to call asleep behind the weel.. don't worry!
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Did okay today. Went to my internship after5 hours of sleep and feeling sick as hell. But I survived and I'm proud of myself
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Messages
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Hereby a short story of my weekend.
This weekend J is away to Barcelona with his office. I couldn't come because of my internship. He is away till Tuesday.. this means that from Saturday till Tuesday in all by myself.

Something some of you don't know is that I never stayed home alone.. like ever because I can't be alone without doing something stupid.. or have lots of anxiety..

So my niece came by. Saturday and Sunday we talked a lot and did go to IKEA and a garden center in the city. It was so much fun!

But yesterday evening she had to go home for work so I was a alone. My mam came by to she how I was doing and left at 20:45.

I closed all doors and windows. And did go to bed.. but when I was laying in my bed a panic attack started. Didn't want to selfharm so I looked on the internet for selfharm.. did help a little but not enough.. so I messaged my best friend I told you about. The boy I was disappointed at. Luckely he was awake and did talk to me till 3 in the morning to get me to fall asleep. I'm so thankful because I was so scared.

Hope I will survive today with 3,5 hours of sleep and don't knock out. But we will see..

Mabye tonight doesn't go well but I'm proud I survived 1 night alone.
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Joined
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Messages
677
Location
Netherlands
At this moment I'm in the train. I'm almost In the city so I can get to my bus. I left at 7 and I'm so tired..

I know when I come home today I will fall apart because I'm so tired and the is nobody to care for me.. it sounds stupid.. but I want to relapse again. It feels like I have to..

The sad part is that my body is left with the scars. In the old day they faded and you saw nothing.. that time is defenently over...

Little anxiouse about that..
 
Z

Zoe1

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hi Justafriend well done ! :bravo:

yes try not to harm, you might think the scars faded
but over time this becomes more dangerous
and people end up harming themselves more than they intended to ...

so there is not a safe way to self harm

we are here to chat to you laters

:hug5: 🌠 πŸ’œ
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
677
Location
Netherlands
Survived today.. now comes the hard part.. being home alone the hole night and evening..

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„
 
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