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I want to punish myself.

G

Ghoul

Guest
When I was 14-16 I was going through severe depression and I was in denial about it, so I didn't try to get any sort of help until much later (I'm 19 now). In these 2 years I made many mistakes and betrayed many people (I was also betrayed a lot by people I trusted). I didn't physically hurt anyone but I lied to many people, on the internet I would make fake accounts and pretend to be my friends/boyfriend because I wanted to be accepted. I had 2 friends at school, one I didn't connect much with and another that would only actually listen to me if I was talking about boys. I was playing an online 'second life' style game at the time and she ended up playing it too, she said she wanted to date my "boyfriend"'s "brother", because they were my fake accounts I said no but she kept pushing it and I gave in. At some point "he" broke up with her. I told her my "boyfriend" was a fake but I never told her about the rest. She was honestly a bad friend and often a bad person but I can't forgive myself for all the lies. I know it's common for insecure teenagers with issues to do things like this but I can't forgive myself. I lied about other things (that I won't mention here too) too. I have harmed myself before because I couldn't handle my depression and because the guilt was eating me alive, and now I want to do it again. I want to harm myself in order to punish myself. I feel like a horrible person, I wasn't myself back then but I still feel like I'm awful. How can I stop this?
(I stopped being friends with that girl a long time ago, I can't even tell her the truth. I don't think I would have the guts to do so anyway.)
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,585
Location
On a comet
Hello and welcome to the forums. In some ways i'm like you in that I find it hard to forgive myself but i've learnt via this forum that we have to learn to forgive ourselves otherwise you'll always be stuck in the same place.
I also used to lie. It's wrong on many levels and I learnt this. Not only do you hurt others but you also hurt yourself.
I wish you all the best and I hope things will turn for the better.
 
Dragonball

Dragonball

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2015
Messages
6
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do especially when you want to forgive yourself , everybody makes mistakes in there past that they wish they hadn't but the only way we can move forward is to forgive ourselves and learn from the things we didn't do right , as teenagers we all messed up at some point but don't feel bad about it now as the past can't be changed , think of things that will make you feel good and happy that you can do now and focus on all the things that you want to do and eventually those things will get easier and you will be able to forgive yourself and have a lot to be proud of aswell :)
 
G

Ghoul

Guest
Hello and welcome to the forums. In some ways i'm like you in that I find it hard to forgive myself but i've learnt via this forum that we have to learn to forgive ourselves otherwise you'll always be stuck in the same place.
I also used to lie. It's wrong on many levels and I learnt this. Not only do you hurt others but you also hurt yourself.
I wish you all the best and I hope things will turn for the better.
I've also learned my lesson, I would never lie like this again. It's not who I am anymore, I wish I could forgive myself for it and move on.
And thank you, I appreciate it
 
G

Ghoul

Guest
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do especially when you want to forgive yourself , everybody makes mistakes in there past that they wish they hadn't but the only way we can move forward is to forgive ourselves and learn from the things we didn't do right , as teenagers we all messed up at some point but don't feel bad about it now as the past can't be changed , think of things that will make you feel good and happy that you can do now and focus on all the things that you want to do and eventually those things will get easier and you will be able to forgive yourself and have a lot to be proud of aswell :)
It really is hard, no matter what I do I can't see myself as any kind of good after those lies. Hopefully I can do things that make me genuinely proud of myself, I haven't felt pride in a long time. I still have my whole life ahead of me, I'd hate to waste it with guilt!
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,585
Location
On a comet
I've also learned my lesson, I would never lie like this again. It's not who I am anymore, I wish I could forgive myself for it and move on.
And thank you, I appreciate it
It takes alot of courage to admit things to yourself, so you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Also it's great that your changing yourself, again another thing to be proud of. I believe in the future or near future you will be able to forgive yourself :)
 
K

khuang

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
876
Location
Avenue Q in the US
I know how feeling guilty about stuff in high school is like. I know this is completely different from your situation but there are mainly two things that I constantly feel guilty about. First was how I felt after a football star had an accident a week before our senior year and he was in a coma for a couple of months. So most of the school year students were doing various fundraisers to raise money for his recovery. At first it didn't bother me but I slowly began to feel jealous and it started to bother me greatly. I was never fully accepted by my peers and I was often told to shut up and that no one cared about what I had to say. To make matters worse I was borderline suicidal and there clearly were warning signs most people should have noticed. I had to deal with all these emotions and also the fact that my older sister was well known throughout the school because she excelled academically and scored a perfect SAT and went to Harvard. And then my stepsister was even like better than I was even though she was truly fake in public by acting all sweet and innocent. Everyone expected me to talk only about them but not myself. So I started to feel disgust whenever I saw signs for the latest fundraiser and I'd think, "If I had that accident, no one would care," and then I'd feel awful and start to hate myself because I knew that the kid almost died and I believed that I was a monster for feeling jealous. And I also believed that if I even told anyone else this that they'd immediately be disgusted with me and hate me and that I deserved to be hated so I didn't tell anyone what went on inside my mind for close to three and a half years, two of which I hurt myself on purpose because I thought I deserved to be punished for these thoughts and for being such a horrible person. It was truly awful and I still have problems talking about all of this. It is still too painful for me to even talk about even though it's been nearly eleven years since it all happened. I even almost tried to end my life in class one day because I couldn't take it anymore. Part of me wanted someone to notice that I was hurting but no one did and that made me feel even worse and just gave me more proof that no one cared about me. I know that I need to talk about all of this more often but I just can't do it.
 
G

Ghoul

Guest
It takes alot of courage to admit things to yourself, so you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Also it's great that your changing yourself, again another thing to be proud of. I believe in the future or near future you will be able to forgive yourself :)
I hope so, I don't think I can take it much longer feeling this way. For now all I can do is do my best and bear with it. It will take a lot, but hopefully I can get there!
 
G

Ghoul

Guest
I know how feeling guilty about stuff in high school is like. I know this is completely different from your situation but there are mainly two things that I constantly feel guilty about. First was how I felt after a football star had an accident a week before our senior year and he was in a coma for a couple of months. So most of the school year students were doing various fundraisers to raise money for his recovery. At first it didn't bother me but I slowly began to feel jealous and it started to bother me greatly. I was never fully accepted by my peers and I was often told to shut up and that no one cared about what I had to say. To make matters worse I was borderline suicidal and there clearly were warning signs most people should have noticed. I had to deal with all these emotions and also the fact that my older sister was well known throughout the school because she excelled academically and scored a perfect SAT and went to Harvard. And then my stepsister was even like better than I was even though she was truly fake in public by acting all sweet and innocent. Everyone expected me to talk only about them but not myself. So I started to feel disgust whenever I saw signs for the latest fundraiser and I'd think, "If I had that accident, no one would care," and then I'd feel awful and start to hate myself because I knew that the kid almost died and I believed that I was a monster for feeling jealous. And I also believed that if I even told anyone else this that they'd immediately be disgusted with me and hate me and that I deserved to be hated so I didn't tell anyone what went on inside my mind for close to three and a half years, two of which I hurt myself on purpose because I thought I deserved to be punished for these thoughts and for being such a horrible person. It was truly awful and I still have problems talking about all of this. It is still too painful for me to even talk about even though it's been nearly eleven years since it all happened. I even almost tried to end my life in class one day because I couldn't take it anymore. Part of me wanted someone to notice that I was hurting but no one did and that made me feel even worse and just gave me more proof that no one cared about me. I know that I need to talk about all of this more often but I just can't do it.
It's difficult to talk about things you regret, at least in your case they were just thoughts! Most people would think/feel that way in your place, you had too much going on and couldn't help it. It's not your fault for feeling that way, when we want people to notice we're hurting but no one realizes it it's really painful. I hope you can move on and leave it in the past, you don't think that way anymore and a few bad thoughts don't define you as a person!
 
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