I want to forget, my body does not

C

chenmate

New member
Joined
Jul 7, 2015
Messages
1
Hi, I am 18 years old girl and I live with my family. There are dad, mom, my older sister, and my younger brother.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Mom and dad have been raising me up, giving me money to use, and providing me a transportation to school. However, my mom has also been abusing me since very young age, about 7 or 8 y.o. As much as I could remember, she has always been raising her voice, yelling and screaming right into our faces whenever she is not ok with what me and my siblings do. She used to call me and my sister whores , screamed very rude words to us, and hit us often. Since then I feel like i have developed something, I become panic whenever I hear she speaks angrily, with me and with others.. I cry and cry and my body shakes. I can't breathe. I can't speak properly. I cry almost everyday because of her, sometimes, without any reasons. I also hear my mom yelling in my sleep, when I wake up, when I about to go to bed, when I am alone. My parents think I pretend to cry and over-react.
My mom was raised abusively by her parents and relatives. She thinks that's what makes her become successful in her life and her career(but not family of course). People always praises for raising good kids and having successful family (well, it clearly does not)
When I were in high school, i moved to a new one. I had no close friends and I had hard time developing any relationships with anyone.
I live in a place where people unconditionally values about appreciating parents for giving birth and raising children up. So i don't talk about my abusive mother to anyone, even to my closest friends and my boyfriend. I have always kept it to myself. I can't move out because I'm financially rely on my parents and it's so hard to get education load from government.
Lately I had been ignoring my mom because whenever we are together or talk together, the argument and fighting start. She sat down and asked me why I did that and again, we started the argument.
But this time I did something really bad. I released my inner monster. I lost myself to it. I screamed at her like what she did to me when I was young. I feel so horrified at myself. I feel so bad. I hate it so much. It's what i have always been afraid of, becoming the monster I hate. The screaming monster.
My mom cried and i think she felt bad about being part of making me into that monster. She apologised to me and asked me to forget ALL she has done to me for the past 10 years. It's hard to forget but I WANT TO and I'm trying so hard to do so. But my body NEVER does. I panic, I cry, I can't. I am so scared of her. I feel bad everyday. I want to be happy! I want to love her! I want to stop fighting with her! I don't want to be scared! I don't want to cry anymore. How???

Ps. my dad sometimes is manipulated by my mom to hate me and my sister, I have no idea why. My mom always exaggerates things. But I know he is trying hard to understand us all and to make our family happy. If he is at home, he helps stopping mom from bullying us, sometimes he makes it worse, but overall, he doesn't really help anything.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi chenmate.

Sounds like you would benefit from some counselling /support for the affect this has had on you.
I am sorry things have been so bad.
Welcome to the forum, I hope it helps.
Unique1 x
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
11,860
Location
UK
I'm not surprised all that pent up emotion and hurt came out like that. I don't think anyone would blame you after the treatment you've had for so many years. You are not becoming the 'monster', you are able to reflect on your outburst, and it's not how you want to be, so don't be too hard on yourself. I've been through similar with a parent and had the same fear I'm turning into them, but we aren't, we are ourselves, and can make our own choices.

I feel for you and hope you can find help and recovery for the bad way you've been treated.

And a warm welcome to the forum :peace:
 
HappyBunny

HappyBunny

Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2015
Messages
16
Location
In a rabbit hutch
Hello. This is classic dysfunctional parenting. You're not a bad person! You've finally found your voice and communicated to your mother NO MORE! Your father is weak and just wants everyone to get on. I'm speaking from my personal experience here so apologise for not knowing your full history! You need counselling and until you do this you will not be able to heal yourself. Get someone you can trust who can help you sort out your abusive past. Start a journal of your feelings and write it all down. Meditate if possible in order to experience total calm. Take time to love yourself first. Remember youre a good person! I'm wishing upon you calm and all good positivity! :flower2:
 
neorealism

neorealism

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 3, 2015
Messages
422
Location
North East of Scotland
CMHT should be able to provide family mediation support. Alternatively seek private counselling for your dysfunctional relationship; sounds like both of you could benefit from it, at a later point - it would make sense to introduce other family members to it.
 
Top