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I Want to Die

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sallimae76

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Jun 18, 2019
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464
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USA
I think 43 years is enough on this Earth. I wish I had my eternal rest.
 
Dexter85

Dexter85

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Linconshire
I think 43 years is enough on this Earth. I wish I had my eternal rest.
Hey mate... Always here to talk if you need anything even though im not always great with advice i hope you feel better soon
 
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sallimae76

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Jun 18, 2019
Messages
464
Location
USA
I'm not depressed. I am just unimpressed with life. Don't need to experience another thing. I am ready to go. Every night I hope to die in my sleep.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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You never know what's around the next corner, hearing voices led me to some of my favourite times with the groups I go to with my Early Intervention Team.

Have you looked for hearing voices groups near you? Meeting others in person may help you put your experience into perspective just like it did for me.

I've met quite a few people who've been through worse than me. One woman in her early 60's lost a partner of 14 years due to her psychosis and went through a tougher time than I did, another man a little older than me tackled two policemen in his paranoid state and lost his relationship with his sister. I didn't seem to damage my life very much and I got back in touch with my sister after years of being estranged so I'm very grateful for that too.

You've already shown great strength in getting this far, in time you can find ways of channelling that strength into something positive.
 
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sallimae76

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I have moved from Tucson back to the East coast. I went to that group, and it was not satisfying.

The meds are working, I barely hear the voice.

But I was depressed and dissatified before the voice came.

I truly believe the voices are/were a result of me calling the gods bluff, and remaining a virgin. They don't like celibacy, even when they are calling you unattractive.

I know this sounds strange but the invisible gods in my life have had one mission for me. They have stripped me of my feminine identity, and have shown me white women, as something I am supposed to desire.

I on the other hand am a Black woman, who use to write to magazine editors, telling them we need more Black women on the cover.

I am severely displaced in this world. And although I appreciate my white friends, I dream of a Black Society, like Wakanda in Black Panther. And I also dream of a land for celibate women, only.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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like Wakanda in Black Panther
I didn't think it was possible but you've just earned even more respect from me for mentioning a Marvel film :)

We all wish Wakanda was real no matter what our skin tone is.
 
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sallimae76

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This place simply is not made for me. I regret my choices. I wish I was a teacher in a Black neighborhood, then a principal, then a Superintendent. I wish I did not go to law school. I hate that racism and sexual harassment has set my career back. I hate that I have no friends, when I am a good kind girl. I really have tried, and just want this thing to be over.
 
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sallimae76

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USA
The invisible man also set my career back
Sending me harassing emails at a dream job, and having hobos come up to me and say "you're a virgin". Caused me to leave a job, where I could have stayed for life. It is hard that he has shattered my perceptions of reality, and I just have to go on, like nothing has happened. Hate that he whispers "ape" non stop in my ear. Anyway, I have lived enough. Time to go. Wish I could donate my remaining years to a terminally ill person who has lots of love here in this world. I would do it in a heartbeat.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm sorry you've experienced racism and sexual harassment it's not something that should be tolerated in todays society, I hope you haven't encountered it in your new job.

Have you ever considered travelling abroad? lots of countries are crying out for good English teachers especially in African countries where the main population is black.

The pay might not be as good as your used to but the job satisfaction may be fantastic.

Quite a few people from the UK go to China to teach English.
 
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sallimae76

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Jun 18, 2019
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464
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USA
I'm not willing to take the pay cut. I came from a working class neighborhood, that was looked down upon. My dream was to buy a house in a good neighborhood, and do better than my parents. I went to an elite college, and I have nothing to show for it. I am still renting, and I am 40k in debt. I want a good salary. I did charity work early in my career. I have paid my dues.
 
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sallimae76

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USA
Teachers make the same as government lawyers. Principals make more, and Superintendents make even more! I am so angry at myself for not recognizing that while I was in college.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I know how you feel about sex but not everyone is all about that, can't you find someone to share your life with you?

I wish I could find someone like that, due to medication my sex drive isn't what it used to be.
 
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sallimae76

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Joined
Jun 18, 2019
Messages
464
Location
USA
I haven't attracted a man in over 10 years. Most people assume that I am a lesbian. I do not want sex ever, so that makes finding a male partner even harder. I want a sexless relationship.
 
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