I want to die

valleygirl

valleygirl

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#1
I am so depressed. My last appointment with my psychiatrist was before Christmas, and he didn't want to make any changes to my medications because he didn't think my depression was that bad. Why can I never seem to communicate to him how bad it is? Now it is even worse, in spite of going to the gym 3 days a week. My mood just continues to decline, and I just don't care anymore. I don't care that my apartment is a pig sty. I don't care if I get evicted. I hate my job and I don't trust my boss. My job is supposed to be full time, but we have low numbers of children, so I don't know if I will be working on Monday or which location I will be at. If I weren't feeling so damn depressed I would be looking for another job ASAP, but I don't feel like I even have the confidence to succeed in a job interview right now. I hate how fat I have become since starting seroquel. I just hate my life and I want it to end. My only hope is that my psychiatrist will get it when I see him Thursday morning, and decide on a diferent course of treatment for this cursed depression.
 
Urban Hermit

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#2
I am sorry you feel so bad X I'm here if you want to talk X
 
valleygirl

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#3
I kind of feel like if my psychiatrist doesn't try me on a diff antidepressant, this is it. I cant handle this shit anymore. I thought about going on Crisis Chat, but I wouldn't be able to tell them honestly how I feel without them sending the police or an amblance or something to my apartment. I've been taken to hospital by police before, and it was a horrible experience.
 
Urban Hermit

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#4
Well I'm here, and that doesn't sound like a nice experience X
 
valleygirl

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#5
Unfortunately I am in a state where I don't really even know what to say. No motivation to do anything. I wish I wasn't afraid of going to hell when I die.
 
Urban Hermit

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#6
Can you think of point that started this feeling? X
 
valleygirl

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#7
I don't know, really. I've struggled with depression for so long - since I was a child. Then I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2. I think this time it might be a combination of things. My job sucks. I don't trust my boss. I'm supposed to have full time hours, but when there are low numbers of children (I work in daycare) my shifts get shortened. I don't even know if I will be working on Monday and it's pissing me off. The other thing that maybe set off my depression, or maybe is a result of my depression, is my messy apartment. It's so bad that I could get evicted, and yet I have no motivation to clean up. I crash on weekends. I am terrified of being evicted, and every day I come home from work anticipating a "Notic of Entry." But I was feeling depressed before Christmas too. So I don't know, really.
 
Hopeful313

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#8
Hi @valleygirl

I hope you are feeling better. Please don’t give up. I am very sorry that you are having hard times. I wish I was close to you so that can bring my family over to help you clean up.
I know it’s easier said than done but try to eliminate any source of worry. Start by cleaning little by little.

May I ask why you don’t trust your boss?

Have you thought of therapy to help you figure things out?

I hope things ease and turn out better.

Stay strong and think positive.

Peace and blessings to you.
 
A

Alladyn1919

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#9
I am so depressed. My last appointment with my psychiatrist was before Christmas, and he didn't want to make any changes to my medications because he didn't think my depression was that bad. Why can I never seem to communicate to him how bad it is? Now it is even worse, in spite of going to the gym 3 days a week. My mood just continues to decline, and I just don't care anymore. I don't care that my apartment is a pig sty. I don't care if I get evicted. I hate my job and I don't trust my boss. My job is supposed to be full time, but we have low numbers of children, so I don't know if I will be working on Monday or which location I will be at. If I weren't feeling so damn depressed I would be looking for another job ASAP, but I don't feel like I even have the confidence to succeed in a job interview right now. I hate how fat I have become since starting seroquel. I just hate my life and I want it to end. My only hope is that my psychiatrist will get it when I see him Thursday morning, and decide on a diferent course of treatment for this cursed depression.
Strange.For me it is pretty evident that if deep depression persists for a long time for no apperent reason it is the fault of antuidepressant.,And it should be changed or its dose increased or something added to it, etc.If the psychiatrist doesn't do it "he" should be changed.And that's it.From my long experience with major depression I know that even on effective substance, worsening of depression might happen but never for too long a time and never very deeply if not with some stressful situation envolved.
Inappropriate treatments by "professionals" happen as I know to my cost.One prescribed, for over about 6 months extremely low dose of one antidepressant despite my continued talk that there is no improvement, when he raised it eventually it was still much below the minimal dose.Other, very renown by the way, famous psychiatrist kept repeating the same medicine despite just mediocre results,etc.And there were other cases of evident mistakes.
To tell the truth I have reason to believe that now I self-medicate with more proper actions and with more success with substances which I can buy without prescription.Though I'm not advocating that to anybody.It's risky.In your case I would simply change the doctor and watch closely over another doctor's actions in your treatment checking medications he/she prescribes, opinions of other users etc,etc.Considering other options of treatment, eg tms (I am considering it myself).Going to a doctor who is making obvius mistakes makes no sense.It's the waste of time.That's my view.

Regards

Alladyn1919
 
A

Alladyn1919

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#10
I can't help criticising the advice."No pill will solve your misery".Not true.Some effective pill can solve her misery.Maybe (in fact usually) not permanently maybe not 100% but some effective substance can make a huge difference.I know it well from my own vast experience with various substances.


Alladyn1919
 
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valleygirl

valleygirl

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#11
I have been in and out of therapy for years. I really feel like I don't need to keep rehashing the past - all the family garbage. I am in such a deep hole right now that even going to the gym doesn't lift my mood. The only reason I went to the gym today at all is because my shower in my apartment is broken and I'm waiting for it to be fixed. So I did the eliptical for 40 minutes while listening to an audiobook and then used the shower at the gym. It's been like 4 days since I showered. That is all I have accomplished today.
 
A

Alladyn1919

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#13
I don't know much about psychottherapy alone for depression and its real effectiveness.Nothing from the so-called real lfe.According to my judgement based on some information from media and net psychotherapy alone may be (not must be) effective for mild to moderate depression, it is not substantially effective if used alone for severe depression.I don't know what the exact truth is.Never did any exact private research on thatI'm not an expert.I'm a patient myself.But I am absolutely honest about such matters, I speak what I think, what I believe which is not necessarily the case for some "experts" and professionals who are sometimes (if not often) more interested in patient's money than in their wellbeing.
My present thinking is that if indeed psychotherapy alone was that immensely and highly statistically effective for major depression there wouldn't be so much research into new antidepressants but much more training of psychologists, behaviouralists, etc,etc.Indeed, what would be the point of taking pills (with some harful side effects) if a better and side effect free solution is so readily available.
But I don't know.I wouldn't like to discourage anybody from psychotherapy by my own ,not too well founded opinion.I think anybody should do his/her own thorough enquiry abot such things and then choose what to do.
But in my view nobody should discourage anybody from using pills for depression on account of their supposed uselessness.For it's not true.It makes much more sense dicouraging people from using such pills on account of their side effects,withdrawal symptoms, etc but not because they all can't be of any substantial benefit.There maybe is such a thing as complete resistance to antidepressants but such cases are probaly much rarer than is generally thought.I think that in many cases diagnosed as TR there is a matter of not sufficient dose, not taking sufficient dose long enough, noty trying many various antidepressants, just a few, and sticking to the ineffective substance for a long a time.Don't know.
Anyway some effective pills including some supplements are available now.Of course there are, or may be side effects, there is some risk involved to physical health maybe even menrtal health, pros and cons should be always considered,there is hope that new antidepressants which should be available soon will be more effective with even much less side effect profile,maybe it makes sense in some cases to wait for them without taking substances which are available now, don't know.But there is a viable choice in taking pills for depression even if they don't provide complete and lasting relief.Depression is a complete waste of time.

Regards

Alladyn1919
 
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MeropeneM

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#14
I can't help criticising the advice."No pill will solve your misery".Not true.Some effective pill can solve her misery.Maybe (in fact usually) not permanently maybe not 100% but some effective substance can make a huge difference.I know it well from my own vast experience with various substances.
Alladyn1919
That's right, we see that more and more nowadays: "No pill will solve your issues" I don't know where it comes from, if it's suburban or a logic cliche. But I do hear it a lot and it's non-sense.

OP, the anti-depressant is not bad but it works better to prevent another episode of depression once you return to normal. To give you a kickstart out of your current depression imo you need more euphorizing substances like d-amphetamine+abilify, clonazepam and gabapentin.
 
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megirl

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#15
I always ended for someone reason downplaying how I am feeling to my pdoc then the next day I am so pissed off and frustrated with myself.
Now if I need to I write things down or just take some notes of what's going on
Then take that in then might give the pdoc more of an idea how you really are
 
tiltawhirl

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#16
Valley girl, the gym and a shower was good energy. I hope yours is soon repaired. I am not interested in a theoretical discussion of depression. It's real. It owns people to different extents and can be fatal. You and I have done the therapy thing for years. I still go for family counseling because only my insurance will pay and David really, really clicks with this therapist. Most times, I would rather not go. There are things I just don't plan to talk about anymore, old and new. My daughter, ms high achiever, goes through the "I want to die" depressions. My meds relieved that but not the chronic pain. Compared to you two, I am the underachiever. I hide in sleep and in the class I am taking. Cultural Diversity. It is a lot of writing and that is something I can enjoy and get lost in. Today is painful. Recent family communications. I think the best intervention that would make me feel better and happier would be to clean up my pigsty. I have regularly worked at the dishes and emptying trash cans but the rest hasn't been touched in longer than I want to admit. It's a crying shame since we mostly remodeled it to be comfortable in and put in nice things. The intention was to be our private sanctuary. Due to a confluence of things, that skewered me yesterday. I left the dishes and started uncluttering the office where we spend all our time. At yesterday's rate, it will take me a month or something. roll eyes. This morning I used a folgers container for oil soap and water and started washing the wood floor I had cleared. I haven't finished it, the cleared area. and the filth makes me want to cry but instead go back to bed. I am going to finish washing that area now, I hope. Your job is much harder, working with children. And who would have energy after that day? Energetic is a rare day for me. I understand that part to the bone. I hope you are feeling better. I am still going to take a nap but today might get better for me if I am able to work for it. (((((((hugs)))))))))))))
 
T

Tabby 88

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#17
My life is similar in that i have this awful lowness and lack of energy or motivation all of the time, unless hypomanic. The pharmacist says it is the medication and the gp says with bipolar, lots of people feel like this all of the time. I do have antidepressant changes and increases and it stops the tears and that slipping feeling but doesn't change it that much. The weight gain that came with increasing the antidepressant feels like it wasn't quite worthit, but then i hate it when i start to get those nighttime crying spells.

I find medication to initially work great for depression but not hypomania. After years it is the other way around, i get no hypomania and lots of that type of depression where i am functioning but can't be bothered to clean, wash hair, wash up, go out for a walk.

I am hoping how i have felt since September is all due to the lack of light and that next month i will start to feel better again. I think that happened last year.

Any stress will push my mood down so the work uncertainty will defininately be contributing.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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#18
Megirl, that is exactly what happens, somehow I downplay how bad things are. I just did it again in my session on Thursday, and here I am again, no change in my meds, so depressed and angry and wanting to die. My thoughts keep cycling through what a disaster my apartment is and what a disaster my life is and being angry at myself for being this way and wanting to hurt myself/kill myself and set fire to all the crap in my apartment.
 
megirl

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#19
We can get so used to putting on that well I call it my mask so people can't see what's going on. Making people think we are ok.
That the times that I need to let it down for others, to help me, doesn't always come easy.
They need to be able to see that person that is hurting that needs help so they can do their job.
Its a coping mechanism gets so installed in our brains that our brain gets confused its like there should be an on/off switch except there isn't.
Also we need to let ourselves be ourselves, that actually it is actually ok to admit we are unwell. You deserve to have help and become well. Life can be better it will.
Suicide is not an option it is permanent there's no going back.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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#20
I am going to write about my mood every day and take that to my psychiatrist for my next appointment. I have to wait 6 weeks. I don't know if I can wait that long.
 

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