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I Want to Die

MarlieeB

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Sometimes when you don't have that energy the fighting is horrible but dying will take up more energy, the planning and the actual doing.

Can you just wrap yourself up for the day?

xxx
 

MarlieeB

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I feel the same about myself but somehow I'm pushing through it even though I don't want to.

You typing down on the forum how you are feeling about what is going on with your therapist and the way you are feeling means in my opinion, that deep down, even if you don't actually know it, there is a bit of you that wants to live.

I wish I could help more.

xxx
 
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Waverunner

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I'm sorry you are finding things hard at the moment Prairiechick . I'm not sure I have any useful advice at the moment but I am thinking of you and hoping things feel better for you soon!
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I wish I could be a little girl snuggled in my therapist's arms. Safe and loved.
I feel the same about myself but somehow I'm pushing through it even though I don't want to.

You typing down on the forum how you are feeling about what is going on with your therapist and the way you are feeling means in my opinion, that deep down, even if you don't actually know it, there is a bit of you that wants to live.

I wish I could help more.

xxx
 
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Waverunner

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I know the feeling. A therapy session just doesn't feel enough does it?
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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Sorry you are struggling so much prairiechick. I know you try so hard and it takes
so much energy but please dont give up. Please be kind to yourself. :hug1: xx
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Just trying to pass the time until I can go to bed and lose myself in sleep. Still got at least 8 hours to kill. I can't focus on studying, which is really what I should be doing right now.
 
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Waverunner

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Be kind to yourself Prairiechick!
 
pepecat

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I wish I could be a little girl snuggled in my therapist's arms. Safe and loved.
Ohhhhhhhh........
Hell yeah.
ALL the way.

50 minutes a week is not enough, is it? A place where you feel safe and warm and 'held' (verbally, I mean) and the it's such a wrench when you have to leave and the world seems so cold and harsh. Makes you just want to stay where it's safe and warm.......

I'd hazard a guess that it's the little girl part of you that is finding it hard to cope with stuff that's being brought up in therapy, and the bit of you that wants mothering, and to be cared for and loved and snuggled, and it's that little girl part of you that is finding it hard to be apart from your therapist because she's not learnt to cope with the emotions and feelings and is scared of being abandoned by the one good thing you have at the moment.

Can you take care of that little girl part of you? Tell her it's ok to feel like this, that she's gonna see the therapist again soon, that you'll look after her until then and keep her safe?
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Pepecat has posted what I was going to say.

I appreciate it's hard and for me personally, I felt a sense of unfairness that I had to learn to "mother" myself, but it can be really healing for you to imagine Adult You cuddling Child You and giving Child You the reassurance it so desperately needs right now.

It might sound weird, but when i'm in a really low place and I can feel my inner child is in desperate need of some love, I do child-like things to make myself feel nurtured.
This usually involves a pink fluffy nightgown, strawberry milkshake, sweeties that I used to like and a nice Disney film.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so distressed, Chick. Try to relax with regards to the studying - when you're ready, you'll do fine. It's not worth putting pressure on yourself about it at the moment. You're doing the best you can.
I remember seeing a quote that says "It's ok if all you did today was breathe", and I have to agree with that. Be kind and gentle with yourself. :hug:
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Thank you everyone who has replied and supported me, not just today, but over the years.

Nobody in my real life knows how bad it is. Nobody knows that the depression and anxiety are so bad that if I don't have to go anywhere, I don't shower for days. Nobody knows how dirty my apartment is, how long it's been since I cleaned the bathroom, that inside my head is so chaotic that I can't organize anything. My kitchen has fruit and vegetable peels going mouldy on the counter. I try to keep up with the dishes, but I can't. My bedroom is littered with clothes. There is mess everywhere in my apartment. Nobody knows how I can't cope with the chaos in my head and my whole apartment is utter chaos. Garbage bags I haven't taken out in weeks. Unwashed dishes, dirty clothes, candy wrappers, and amid all of that my books that I am trying to study, my mandala colouring book and markers, yarn and crochet hooks. Nobody knows how bad it is and how ashamed I am and how somehow I manage to put on nice clothes and make-up when I go out and fool people that I'm actually okay, because heaven forbid anyone should find out what a mess I am.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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I think you are a very strong, brave person. I find that i relate to a lot of your posts. Try to focus on what you do do and not what you dont. You do so much to help yourself. You can be very proud of yourself:hug:
 
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