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I want to die. be no more. I can't do it

L

lilyfairy

New member
Joined
May 10, 2015
Messages
2
My life is over. I'm drowning in pain, tears, heartache and can hardly breath with the anxiety I have. Death seems peaceful. A way to escape from all the pain. The pain won't stop. His words stab me at my soul. He tares me down shreds and happiness I had left to nothingness. I love my girls I do wish to hurt them. But I can not take the hurt the pain the tears anymore. 13 years I have suffered abuse and I can't anmore. I've lost my strength. Here on mothers day I'm crying my eyes out asking why should I live anymore. I cannot bare to go through this again and again. The name calling the cussing the yelling the fear that struck through me by a man who said he would always b there. But who is to b there when u the man are the one hurting me. Who protects me from u. I no longer have the energy to carry this. Death seems so peaceful right now. I can't do it anymore.
 
W

Waverunner

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2,197
I can feel the pain in your post Lily. I'm sorry you haven't had replies up to now. I hope that you are ok. I don't have any wise words for you I'm afraid just wanted you to know you are not alone.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum Lilyfairy.
It really sounds like you are at the end of your tether, having had to endure both inner pain and pain inflicted on you by someone who is supposed to care.

I have to say, I am pretty worried reading your post. I really hope you managed not to do anything to harm yourself.

As you mention that it's mother's day, I presume you're not in the UK, and so I don't know specifically which organisations to point you to.
But have you considered going into a women's shelter or contacting domestic violence services? Even if there is no physical violence, those services are there to help you.
Nobody should have to endure abuse - whether it's emotional, physical or other kinds.
You deserve the right to be safe.
 
L

lilyfairy

New member
Joined
May 10, 2015
Messages
2
I'm still here. I appreciate the responses. It helps to see someone else HEAR your cries. I really was comtimplating rhow to end my life. But in the end the love for my 2 girlstriumphs those actions. You see my husband has bi-polar and his mood swings go from 0 to 60 with no warning. He is on meds, sees a therapist but it doesn't cure it. He can say the most evil things (like when I was pregnant with our second girl he said he wished I would bleed out and baby and I both die, or he will lash out at the girls yelling at them for stupid stuuf. I literally woke up Mothers day morning to hearing him yell at our daughters 'ur forcing me to do shit I don't wanna do!' They asked for his help in making me breakfast in bed.) I tell him to leave, go cool off, he yells back at me, YOU LEAVE! ....It's just so exhausting. He can b a wonderful father and husband at times. He always apologizes, but it's like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde, mean husband and nice husband. Just don't know which one I will get. And yes we've talked, gone to marriage counseling but it seems to b an endless cycle. I have seen him tears begging me to stay, begging me to forgive. I just feel like a fool after he does it again. He was my first love, so he has a special place in my heart, not to mention father of my girls. But when is enough, enough? When do I separate and say I've tried , I just can't anymore? I want it to work. I want to b a family under the same roof, but I know I can't control him. I cannot change him. If money wasn't an issue I would have us live in separate houses. I work two jobs he works 1 full time and we are still playing catch up on our bills. Of course money adds a whole other lot of stress to this. Just not sure. But that was a really low point yesterday, he even saw me crying and called me a Fuckin baby. But then today apologizes for it. :/
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Make an appointment with your Dr and then go out to town for tea and cake. Buy a little book and journal.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
The thing is, when somebody is abusive, they will turn on the charm and act the nice guy (or girl) because that enables them to get away with treating you badly.
If they can tug on your heartstrings they know you won't leave and will tolerate their treatment of you.

Obviously I can't make any decisions or do anything for you, but from my point of view, I think you should consider leaving him and building a happier life for you and your girls.
I understand what you're saying about finances and that adding extra pressure to the situation, but nothing is worth you feeling so low and hurt. :hug1:
 
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