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I want to be alone, just do not want to feel lonely.

A

avilu

New member
Joined
May 17, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Houston, TX
I have major depression for about 7-8 years, had suicided 4 times, was in behavioral hospital twice. I am currently prescribed Setraline.

For the most part during morning, I am doing okay. I have my official job (SDE) and have the perk of working from home full time permanently (not consultant). I keep myself busy taking care of my pup, and sometime, when I feel tired, I will just lay down there until the night scrawling over while doing nothing, just staring into the ceiling.

I was in 6-year relationship before, singlehandedly destroyed it in a night 2 years ago when my mind was not clear and thought that being with her was a burden. After 3 months, when I calmed down and wanted to be with her again, she, of course, didn't want to. We have a small pup together and once in a while I will bring him over to her for the weekend.

Of course I want to be back, but she keeps saying she doesn't see our future in there, unless I improve my situation. Heck, I don't know how to. So, I have been in kinda unrequited love since then.

Other than that, since I keep missing her, and the town we live in is full of memories together, I want to move out of state. Planning to move to CO and live in Downtown since I will be surrounded by people by hearing their voices, but still stay alone. Just scared of thinking about seeing the all-white scene during winter, it's going to be lonely as nobody would come out during winter in downtown. Pretty sure they all hop onto their car to the mountain for skiing.

Now, I don't even know if I need help or what, as I for now am just wanting to have someone to listen to me murmuring, and complaining.

Have been crying every night ever since, even though I am a full-ass grown-up man, feeling regret for every actions and wrongdoings I have done to me, and to her.

P.S: I live alone, and don't have family here in US.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
Hey, @avilu, and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you're going through such a lonely time, and wanting someone back is a really hard feeling. I can see why you would want to pick up and move. On the plus side, at least your job allows you this freedom, so it is a true possibility. You have the option to go away, to physically get away from her, and that may be healthy. It helped for me when I was in a situation somewhat similar, just to get away from all the triggers around that remind you of someone.

So keep talking, it's a great place to vent and to get advice and know you aren't alone, as alone as you may feel at times. Are you feeling like you may be a risk to yourself again? If you're at that point, it would be a really good idea to reach out to your therapist or the crisis line, they can really talk you down when things get this hard. Hope to hear from you again. Hang in there, your life is ahead of you and you can direct it. You've made it through some really hard times, it sounds like, and you can do it. There's a reason you're still here.
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
533
Location
Orleans vermont.
Moving would be a good idea. I'm familiar with being lonely and spending long stretches of time by myself. If she is not interested anymore it really is best to make new memories.

I recently moved to Vermont and so many painful memories faded away quick. The downside is of course I'm lonely like crazy. Being alone and not lonely at least for me is not possible.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,323
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,295
Location
nowhere
If you want someone listening to your murmuring and complaining why not see a counselor? A relationship is not the place to go for that. People can't handle that and they drift away because they can't take the pressure. People have their own problems to handle and don't want that. It's harsh but true. I would seek out a counselor.
 
TooMuchPain

TooMuchPain

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Joined
Feb 6, 2019
Messages
1,147
Location
\_(ツ)_/
It sucks to have your life fall apart. She says that you need to improve your situation... That sounds like good advice even if you don't get her back. Most people don't have much capacity to support others in their struggles. I have spent a lifetime waiting for help that never came. Its okay to bitch about your life. Get it out. You (and me) need to find a way to be happy alone. For me it has been a very long process. I'm trying to accept my situation and move forward. I think you can too. Others can listen and suggest what you need to do. Ultimately it is up to you to make the changes. I hope you stick around and join in on some conversations.
 
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