I want this to stop

[messed-up]

I went to doc on friday, she changed my meds from 60mg fluoxetine to 150mg effexor xl and 15 mg diazepam for anxiety.
I feel empty, can't even get a thought in my head there is just nothing there,
I got so bad I bit myself hard on my arm and it was a bit of relief, I don't want to start going down that road, I wish I could die but I wouldn't do that to my kids (they are the only things that get me through every day).

My hubby isn't really helping, I know it's hard for him to, but when he sees me down like this he puts his hand up as if he's had enough and walks away.
that makes me feel guilty, like I choose to feel like this. I have no-one to talk to cos I feel like a winge or a burden, who wants to listen to someone like me.

I honestly can't cope with this anymore, but I know I have to for my babies.
I don't know what to do, I can't even cry I feel so dead inside.
I want to go to bed and never wake up........selfish bitch that I am.
thanks for reading just needed to get this out.

 

[whatstheproblem?]

Don't thinn I can say anything of any help.. But I know exactly how you feel. I can't do anything right where my partner is concerned- she makes out that she undertands etc but when I can't stop crying she gets angry and says I'm obviously not happy with her etc etc. Shouts and makes out that once I'm well everything between us will be fantastic, as though anything that's not perfect is my fault for being 'crazy'.. We don't have children yet ( and accordin to her never will if I continue to self harm) but I have a much younger brother, and everytime I want to take far too many pills or fantasize about jumping in the river I think of him and know I can't do it to him. He is so young and has already had to cope with our mum nearly succeeding in killing herself.. But I too wish I could just not wake up, or die in a way that looked like an accident.. I fucking hate this so called 'life'. It's all so pointless and meaningless suffering. If there is such thing as he'll, surely we're there. Sorry to be so shit, but feeling full of destructive emotion right now and fighting hard not to stick a glass on my leg! This should probably be in my journal rather than here, and for that I am sorry too. !!!!

 

[messed-up]

don't be sorry, it just feels good that someone understands.
He thinks I'm in a bad mood, if it was that simple this would be alot easier,
if I could even cry it might make more sense (if that makes sense), but there is just nothing, the diazepam is making me sleep alot, I keep thinking if I took them all I could sleep for a very long time, but again my kids stop me.

Hopefully there is anend to this for us, cos I don't know how much more I can take.
thanks for listening to me ramble, take care.