I want someone to talk to

[Nope_real]

Recently started a new job. Argued with girlfriend, smashed a mirror and used the ends to cut into my arm, felt a bit of release. Mum came home hours before, cried infront of her without control. All actions are the actions of someone else, not me, I can't control it. I have comfort in the fact perhaps after purgatory, there is nothingness. No more sickness, no more misery, no more hurting people. Docotors have signed me for CBT or something, about changing the patterns of depression. I'm scared it might not work, recently my energy levels have dropped and I can barely raise a smile to a work friend. I think my apathy might stain the progress they expect. I know I have a girlfriend to turn to and I shouldn't burden strangers, but I feel I have no-one to talk to. girlfriend and my friends have been treating me differently, I just want to be myself again in their eyes. Not this mess of a man. I think sometimes, I just shouldn't be here anymore. I could save so much misery and suffering with one swift shot of the two. I want to sleep. Please, please talk to me.

 

[Apotheosis]

Hi Nope_real

Sounds like things are tough right now. What are you doing for work?

Are you living at home with parents?

I'm awake for a little while if you wanna chat

 

[Nope_real]

Kitchen porting. It's impossible to explain to the people I love. I'm not in control of it. Even when i'm happy. They think its just a switch you can press, but it isn't. I worry there is nothing the doctors can do, and i'm worried I might to be to weak to pretend for the rest of my life.

 

[Apotheosis]

It is very hard, although there are some people who do understand. You will find some people to share some stuff with on this site & identification, which is helpful.

Things will get better. I used to work in kitchens for quite a few years. I haven't worked in a long time, but I try & keep as busy as I can, as well as taking things easy & looking after myself - well trying to.

 

[Nope_real]

I try to occupy myself with literature, find it difficult to concentrate sometimes. I just want things to be normal again. I hate being looked after. I can't hide it anymore. People know theres something wrong, and it puts pressure on my job security because they think i'm sick. Relationships impossible. I took comfort in talking to an old pen pal and my girlfriend thought I was cheating, I wasn't. Drink or anything, its the age old cliche, nothing makes me happy anymore.

 

[Apotheosis]

I've had my "dark night of the soul". I feel happier today, although I still get the dark days. It does pass, it's about the only thing I'm absolutely sure of - that whatever we are experiencing & feeling will pass at some stage. I look back at certain times in my life & I saw no way out at the time & thought things would never improve - but they did & things got better. I try to find things I enjoy doing - even the small things, I get pleasure from a coffee & cigarette in the morning, reading a book, chatting with a friend, a walk, just about anything really. I stopped trying to tackle the big stuff head on, & I I try to simply deal with what I can in the day & attempt to let go of the rest. It doesn't help that we live in very strange times, & people don't care. But there are good people out there. Do you have any supportive friends who you can be honest with about how you really feel?

 

[Apotheosis]

its the age old cliche, nothing makes me happy anymore.

Happiness is overrated.

 

[lucid scream]

kitchen porting? is that what we yanks call bussing tables? where you clear away the dishes?
ive done my share of that. that'll suck the happiness out of ya. but at least its busy work, i guess.
whats cbt?
such a language barrier for it being the same language, LOL!

 

[Nope_real]

The problem is, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to admit how difficult things have become so I blame it all on phyiscal problems. Alot of them are gone now, pushed away in some form, walked away in the other. I hope they are ok, I didn't want to hurt them. I want to know they are ok, still ok. I want photographs. Everything has just decayed so quickly I couldn't cling to it. Do you believe an afterlife? I would like to see it all in a video collage. The people I love just don't understand. I'm happy with them, but i'm always waiting for the next moment. It's just not enough to be truly happy and when it is, it leaves as quickly as it comes. I don't know where to turn to. It's all just gone wrong.

 

[Nope_real]

Kitchen porting is cleaning and dishes and anything else they want done. Americans? I want to see the golden gate bridge before I die, I wont. It's a form of therapy.

 

[lucid scream]

no one really knows if theres an afterlife, real. it might be better. it might be worse. it might be nothing.

theres no reason why you cant see the golden gate bridge. your both here.
i was just in san fransisco. didnt see the bridge, tho. i saw a warehouse. it was nice and sunny and warm there, tho.

within sight of the golden gate bridge is alcatraz, and the waters underneath are full of sharks. dont know if theres any significance there, except that the places we want to be are very near the places we dont.

 

[Apotheosis]

The problem is, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to admit how difficult things have become so I blame it all on phyiscal problems. Alot of them are gone now, pushed away in some form, walked away in the other. I hope they are ok, I didn't want to hurt them. I want to know they are ok, still ok. I want photographs. Everything has just decayed so quickly I couldn't cling to it. Do you believe an afterlife? I would like to see it all in a video collage. The people I love just don't understand. I'm happy with them, but i'm always waiting for the next moment. It's just not enough to be truly happy and when it is, it leaves as quickly as it comes. I don't know where to turn to. It's all just gone wrong.

Life changes, we make mistakes, if we didn't make mistakes then we wouldn't learn as much. Depression & the things we judge as being negative are often the things which lead to most growth. In my book life isn't about just being happy, no one is happy 100% of the time. I think there may be something wrong with people who don't ever get depressed.

I believe in the after life - I don't question it much any more - I believe in reincarnation - a creator - a soul - that we are here for a reason.

 

[Nope_real]

what do you think I should do?

 

[Apotheosis]

what do you think I should do?

Go easy on yourself, & try to take things easy. Look for some more support - posting on here is a step towards talking about things. I find forums good, but I try to have real life friends I can chat too as well. I go mad if I spend more than a day in my own company; but that's me.

 

[lucid scream]

thats good advice. take it easy. dont try to change too much too fast. when i am depressed, i want it to go away NOW. it just doesnt work that way. i mean, i found drugs that numbed me out and made me instantly happier, but i paid dearly for that. like Apotheosis said, happiness is overrated anyway.
theres usually someone here to talk to, and your always welcome here.