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I want him to be happy and get thru but can i survive his depression too...

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Myst728

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Massachusetts
I've come to a place where i never thought i would find myself. After searching and seeing that im not alone, some comfort came with putting it down to words.

My storys long, painful and confusing at times. But.. its mine, my scars my memories but now a foggy path ahead that gas terrified me more than i have ever been.

I have been with my husband 13 years, married almost 3. We met while i was engaged to another. The one i was engaged to was abusive and my current husband saved me from him. Atleast i thought he was my knight... what love really was. He swept me off my feet and i felt so complete and alive. Never knowing a man to want to protect and take care of me before. He gave me his world the same day i gave him my heart and soul.

I left my dream job and moved to another state to take a chance on love. And my god did i love him and my god i thought he loved me. I grew depressed there, being away from family and friends...away from the career i knew. Almost loosing my identity and trying to find it again. I grew up surrounded by family and now I was alone, he was all i had. His own family lived far away and by no means were close to one another. He grew up in a broken place but never showed he was broken himself. While there i tried to find happiness. I loved him blindly and unconditionally which i feel cause my faults in this break down. He has an obsessive personality, by means of hobbies. His cars were his drugs. He would spend all his free time working on them and i would follow him around like a puppy dog. Just watching and waiting for that scrap of attention. Knowing if i asked, he would reject...so i waited...

After 2 years we decided to move back to where i had came from, with my family. Just 2 months after we found out i was pregnant! And it was a shock but it was a blessing as we both rounded the age of 30. I struggled hard when our son came. As i said my husband always had his obsession with cars, out late racing and while i played mommy... my depression set in hard. It took a while but I finally sought help and began to heal. It became apparent around that time he thought i grew "soft". He would say things like "oh i miss the no bullshit girl you use to be". Well after 4-5 years of starving for attention, im not who i once was and now im a mother to boot. His stubbornness started to grow then... he knowingly would not show love or affection because of his inability to stop being stubborn... which caused many fights.

A few years then passed.... i had a terrible accident an needed to be rushed to the hospital. I needed multiple surgeries to save my eye after my son accidentally poked it. Not to mention i had just had an organ transplant for that eye one month prior. I cannot describe the depression i had. I was alone , scared and being operated on 1 to 2x a day for a week...3 hrs away from hoe...

To my surprise my husband was by myside, i thought wow... he did this for me... he stood by me... am i just thinking wrong about what his "love language " is really? Hes not one for touchy lovie dovie nor one for being emotional with words....but he is here each day...

Things were hard for the next 3 years... i kept having more and more surgeries...leading to more and more sadness as i felt i kept moving backwards and my healt inhibited me from going up in my career. But during that, he was there.. supporting me and maybe not every second of the day but in his way he did.
The next chapter we gave vows..but will he break them...this is where now my heart is shattered...

The most bliss ever had was our wedding. He cried at the first sight of me, his reaction forever burned into my memory. We said our vows and spoke our souls....but can depression murder that?

It got hard after the first year of marriage... he began a new obsession... he always told me he never wanted to get into playing video games on a computer bc it consumed his life as a teen. He talked about how his old girlfriend use to fight with him bc she would complain of his neglect when he played. Well i soon learned real loneliness.

Almost 3 years of marriage... never celibrating an anniversary can hurt...

His obsession turned into his only reality on his video games.... he would come home... go into the basement (his man cave) and play till the late hours. He works 1st while i work 2nd as its best for our son. But is it? Is he too neglected from interaction or love because of these games?.... i come home...same routine... go into the basement to say hi... sometimes he would even take his headphones off to say hi back before proceeing to keep playing.... does this invite one to feel welcomed...no...i would feel as though i was a bother. Standing next to him like that puppy again waiting for a scrap of attention while he ignored me.... again me being, lets say naive, i would still try... then once or twice get lucky with a bit of convo but most of the time i was stonewalled.

Thats just part of my week. Mostly it looks like this... work 40+hours in emergency services..... 2 days at my mothers buisness (both shifts prior to going into my fulltime job) then i run a small business coaching. I have 2 days off which i fit in my buisness but always around my family as they come first.... lets just say im fkin tired alot. But all the while he supported my buisness, knowing it would be our finacial freedom but could it have cause his depression in part too?

Our "days off"... go like this.... i clean...take care of our kid... animals... household... he wakes and goes into the basement... only coming up stairs for food. So many times i asked for him to come spend time with us... tell me why i felt each time it was like asking him for the moon. Like it was so bothersome for me to ask such a request. Maybe he felt like i would do that out of frustration and hell maybe so but maybe i was starving for him.... it got to a point where on those days off i could only spend time with him if i went down there...sat...and waited.....

A few times success would happen! We would go somewhere with our son... basking in the attention of this then soon seeing his disconnect. Things he once loved to do he showed no interest in... only appearing to want to race back to his video game...his false reality..his escape from, again what i hadn't recognized as his evolving depression. I would always walk on egg shells afraid to start a fight... one usually started because i was too far starved from his attention and too far neglected desperate for love.

Now we are here in this year...the hardest one yet. Feburary...i lost my grandmother ...march my infant niece passed away right before birth, the hardest thing i thought yet i had been through.... june i lost my bestfriend.... now august....in this moment.... iwonder if i now just lost my marriage because of his despression and im broken...

Three days ago my brother came to me and said I think your husbands depressed... hes introverted and cut himself off with his fantasy he lives in on his games. No wanting outside interaction... more agressive with anger and overall checked out from all he "enjoys".... it hit a note for me... i remember him saying a few moths ago how he had no "drive or ambition " but after my suggestion of help he stonewalled me then acted as all was fine... later that night, i put our son to bed...we went into the basement so he could say goodnight and we went up stairs. I had no plans on going to bed yet, but felt sick so i layed down and was on my phone. Before i knew it, it was morning... when it fell apart.

I woke to many many texts...from him... tearing me apart. Stating hownhe felt we werent partners and just roommates, how i went to bed without telling him.... i was...floored....
So many messages going on about how he is unhappy... yet wont say wtf is going on.

Then says the words that noone ever wants to hear... i have love for you and love you but im not in love with you.... fuk... i died in that moment... lost all what resembled as happiness... lost another piece of what little i had left.....

Natually, i couldnt..still cant... understand... what does it mean??? How?...why?...then self blame...

He went all over in his messages from how it will never change and it just gets better for a bit then stops... how every solution or path i offer is usless... but doesnt tell me he doesnt want to leave... just he doesnt know.

How was it just a week ago he would text me he misses me, loves me.... an now in his eys i see a shell. All the while not being able to verbally...in person talk this through... claiming he cant have these talks in person when they are heavy an its "easier" via text... always... i always conceded knowing its the only way he would talk or else he would argue or stonewall me....

That night when he came home.. i was broke and lost. Didnt even know how to act...talk...be.

Then the next morning says how he was surprised but "not really" that I didn't try to make a move on him... WHAT? Why would i... you broke me down....why or how could i being myself to you in that way for fear of rejection or worse looking desperate... he then said "yea your right it woulda seemed desperate but I tested the theory an came to bed early to see if you would".... mind games... why is this a game now... what paths left to my pain can you find... how much more can you shred me....

Now the unknown sets in... tomorrow...next week....next year.... just a week ago we planned so much then like a switch i finally saw what your depression made you into. He was never attentive but never didnt love or support me but now loves nothing but this fantasy he submerges himself into daily..

I know my story is long... i know it may not even be read. But it is a story, sadly shorten from alot of other sad and good, that i needed to write out for myself. I can only pray he sees light and comes back. But i know depression does and causes uncontrollable things. And for him he is self destructive by hurting me... i wish i understood... my despression is not like his nor his like mine but i still love him and dont want to end our family... i wish he would see a doctor but wont...i hope he can get thru...we can get thru and i can survive this with minimal scars on my heart.


Signed... vows are meant to be spoken not leaving you broken..
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
11,338
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Hi Myst and welcome to the forum, we're happy to have you here :welcome:

I read through it as best i could without my glasses on, it does sound like he's either depressed or theres something going on, i am so sorry he broke the vows :hug:

we're all here for you :hug:
 
M

Myst728

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Massachusetts
Thank you so very much, its therapeutic for me just to put words down. I know it was alot lol but when it flows out, its hard to stop.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
697
Location
Eastern Europe
I find much of myself in the your depiction of your husband, I acted like this for almost 15 years with my wife, I always had an obsession (video games mostly) that kept my mind busy and in the rest of the time I was being selfish to do things I liked anyway. And finally I cheated on her and somehow the whole crisis we passed through changed something inside me and I was able to behave differently. I am not sure if it is depression in your case, it seems to be a behaviour related to anxiety, at least that's my profile: an anxious person with unhealthy coping mechanisms that affect the others around me.
Unfortunately one gets to change himself through a shocking experience (I had two until now: the cheating while having a family with 2 children and my son entering a psychotic episode). It's hard to suggest anything, my wife used to write me these long letters that would scare me to death and I only wanted the anxiety to disappear and I would promise the world just to make it go away. I only changed when she separated from me, but it took 2 years..
 
M

Myst728

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Massachusetts
Im so sorry you went thru that struggle. Im just at a loss an now trying to understand :( its so painful
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,032
It's very strange he's playing these mind games with you.

You may love him but he sounds like a difficult character. He sounds like he has a very avoidant attachment style (google avoidant and insecure attachments).

Also obviously I am in no position to / cannot diagnose him as I am not a doctor nor have I met him. but potentially it sounds like he could be on the spectrum due to obsessive interests.
In any case his interests are an escape.
He cannot face up to real intimacy or emotion.

This is a very difficult situation.

It may be best for him to get some counselling. And for you to take some serious time a part so you can recover.

It is an emotionally abusive relationship even though it may not be physically abusive.Playing games with you and neglecting you.

I know your heart is breaking but do what is right for you. And your son. He needs to grow up in a loving home.

There are more mature people on here who can give you better advice than this.

It is just my ten cents.
 
H

HauntedWitch

Guest
I know my story is long... i know it may not even be read. But it is a story, sadly shorten from alot of other sad and good, that i needed to write out for myself. I can only pray he sees light and comes back. But i know depression does and causes uncontrollable things. And for him he is self destructive by hurting me... i wish i understood... my despression is not like his nor his like mine but i still love him and dont want to end our family... i wish he would see a doctor but wont...i hope he can get thru...we can get thru and i can survive this with minimal scars on my heart...
Hi and welcome. I don't know anything about video games, but from what you say, your husband is an addict. He may or may not be suffering from depression as well.

The bad news is that he needs to want to get rid of his depression and have a real relationship with you. If he doesn't want to change, all the hoping and wishing in the world won't do you any good.

Take some you time and take care of yourself. All the best to you!
 
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