I tried it again yesterday

Deadheading

Deadheading

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#1
I had this suicide attempt planned for at least a month. I had it mentally rehearsed. I would pack my bags and leave a suicide note in my wallet. I also decided on the restaurant to go to for my last supper.

As I had my dinner, I was getting more anxious. It peaked once I payed my bill. I went to Facebook to post my goodbye and I messaged the same to relevant people in my life. I wasn't going to do the same for my family; my angry note was all they deserved to get.

I walked to where I planned to do it but I couldn't. I tried changing spots but I was still paralyzed with fear. I got on the bus back to the city centre, and when I got off I went inside a mall to warm up a little.

Then I went out and walked further away from the parliament buildings, away from the restaurants and shops and away from a large audience. I still couldn't do it.

I walked back to my hostel. I am livid that I couldn't do it this time. This time I didn't have the adrenaline to do it. But I will keep trying every day until it happens.
 
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Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#2
that sounds so horrible
im sorry
please don't keep trying to do it

i know i don't know you but your life is worth so much
please feel better soon
love Lu x

and please call for help should you need to x
 
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Duffer1976

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#3
So sorry you are going through this. The fact you couldn't do it probably means you don't really want to die. As much as u feel u can't go on you have so much to live for. I sit here and think what's the point in life. Its a struggle but I have to Force myself to think tomorrow I may feel happier. I woukd definitely go to your gp and get them to refer u to your local mental health hosp. I had to do that I had to push to be referred and I was eventually. I'm getting the help I need now. Although this is all a struggle I have 3 kids I have ro stay alive for. You are worth so much more than you think. You just need so find someone that will help you get a better mindset. Try and refer yourself to the local mental health team. From what u say you definitely need it so they will help. Much love xxx
 
Flameheart

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#4
you don't really want to die, otherwise you would have done it without giving it a second thought, trust me, been there, done that

so what are you going to do now? are you going to help yourself or keep going back repeating the same process where things will never get better

I think deep down you want things to improve otherwise like I said you would already be dead, and once you die there's no going back, no second chances, you won't breathe again, see anything again, talk to anyone again, eat your favourite food, once your gone, that's it, everything and everyone moves forward with or without you

life is too precious to be wasted or taken advantage of, you either make the most of it or you don't and no one else controls how happy you end up being, but you

when I feel suicidal or depressed, I watch videos of people who are worst off than me like children who sleep on the floor, drink dirty water, do 12 hours of labour that give them the equivalent of 10 pennies all because of where they happened to be born. Even poverty here would probably be considered a luxury to them and would put a smile on their face. Even if we have been abused in some way there is help available, but there's people where there is really no way out and their abuser gets no consequences and is even allowed to carry on hurting them, it really puts things into perspective, makes you realise what you do have rather than what you don't

so why do we get depressed when we do have options? we have the resources to better ourselves and our overall life, that's if you want to and really try, but that is also your decision

sorry if my words aren't what you wanted, I know not everyone will like this sort of post, there was a time where I didn't want to hear it either, but now it does help me, so maybe it will for you too
 
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Duffer1976

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#5
Bpdevil. I do the same I think of people with nothing. Victims of disasters etc. It's the only way.
 
Deadheading

Deadheading

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#6
I didn't entirely want to die, which is why I picked a method where I could survive. But I also don't want to continue living under these circumstances. Death is the only quick solution. At least my family could be burdened with the guilt, which is what they fully deserve.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#8
I didn't entirely want to die, which is why I picked a method where I could survive. But I also don't want to continue living under these circumstances. Death is the only quick solution. At least my family could be burdened with the guilt, which is what they fully deserve.
if you went through with it and did survive your life would be guaranteed a lot worse than it is now, not only would you still be going through mental and emotional pain, but imagine physical on top of that and being locked up in a mental health unit all at the same time, that would most likely be the outcome and it isn't pleasant

i understand wanting to punish people that did bad to you, but making others feel bad for you to be happy doesn't work and either way the situation you would be putting yourself in would be a lot harder to get out of than anything you would be putting your family though, because they can just carry on with their lives whilst you'd be stuck thinking about what you did probably on a daily basis and regretting it
 
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OddyUmi

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#9
If you commit suicide there won't be any relief in death, but in life yes.

Have you actually taken the pills? Or were you just in the midst of planning?

You fear the unknown when you die, because you don't know what is after. Um...there's relief then there's disbelief on whatever you choose.

You don't want to die, but only be rid of your pain, suffering, and misery. Not by suicide!

Don't stop fighting. You haven't already for trying to kys. So don't stop fighting to live.

You need methods on how to deal with life and get away from negative impacts. You need to find another fix. Daily good fixes that will help you flourish.

This brain of ours is so warp. Like we are our own enemy. You need to be your friend and love yourself and stop looking for others care. When we care sometimes it causes nothing but heartache. Just learn who to love and how. Don't be greedy and smothering but enough. And if not enough that's ok too. Just know you did what you needed to do.

GL GB BS!
 
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OddyUmi

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#10
Hopefully everyday you fail and know that you cannot prevail in killing yourself and finally give up with trying to and just live out the rest of your life until it is time for you to die. May you be blessed with a great life here and after.
 
Boring

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#12
Deadheading, there might be some medication to help you with your mental illness. you need not die.

life can be a wonderful thing.

your family doesn't need to be your life, if you wish them not to. if you are in a situation where your life is endangered due to family, then it sounds best to keep some distance from them until there's more understanding of your suicidal mentality. so perhaps you could benefit from a stay at a mental hospital.

think about how great your life could be. look at other people and see how much happiness and joy they get from life. that happy person can be you, in the future. if others can be happy, then so can you; I believe.

understanding the great value of life, a sad event would be your trading your life away because of family or other unclear reasons.
 
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Girl interupted

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#13
Find a professional to help. People on the internet can only help so much.

You survived. Find someone who can get you through these bleak moments. My therapist calls it my “gone with the wind” moments, because to get through the darkness I make a bargain with myself that tomorrow will be better.

It will.

Get some support so you don’t feel so alone.
 
Deadheading

Deadheading

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#14
Therapists can only do so much too. Frankly they're over-educated schmucks. My problems are external! I am trapped with no way out and this is only making it worse for me!
 
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Girl interupted

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#16
Therapists can only do so much too. Frankly they're over-educated schmucks. My problems are external! I am trapped with no way out and this is only making it worse for me!
You have a right to change therapists. Find one that fits you. It took me 50 years to find the right one. It has made a massive difference.

I am sincere in wanting things to get better for you, but you have to put in the work, and not edit yourself for it to be any good.
 
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OddyUmi

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#17
Especially if they are causing harm to you. Stay with friends until you can get away from your toxic family for good! Don't be a drop out. I know it's hard, but you have to keep pushing. Like a woman needs a good support bra, so do you! Keep up the good support daily to deal with the misbehaving in life. Find ways to stay motivated. GL GB BS! Say no to killing yourself!
 
Deadheading

Deadheading

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#18
The inpatient centre has a bed available for me later this week, but I still feel the need to give this another go to make my family suffer.
 
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Duffer1976

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#19
Rise above them. Discard them and make a life where they aren't in it. U can do it. Fresh start. That will make them feel worse that you've escaped and making a life for yourself without them and they know nothing about u anymore. I did this in a way with my fresh start. I moved county to escape extremely sad memories in a place that caused panic anxiety and how my bpd started. I'm not on social media so I can't let anyone in my life from my past. I've started a new life me and the kids and noone knows anything about me anymore. Let them live their sad lives and u make a great one without them. Xxx
 
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Duffer1976

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#20
I'm really glad the inpatient centre has room for you. I hope it can help you change your mind and help you through all this. Hugs xxx
 

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