• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I told my only friend my past psychotic thoughts.

S

SweetBipolar

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2020
Messages
63
Location
usa
I told my only friend About my past psychotic thoughts and it ruined our relationship.

For years and even now I have a lot of problems in my mind. Diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago. I get mood swings and identity issues. But I see therapist and take
Medication. I am feeling better now.

I looked at years old journal and realize I would write bad things. I wrote about an ex who treated me bad and at the time I felt Homicidal. So I wrote something stupid out of anger.

So this current friend (no longer) is someone I felt comfortable sharing everything with.

So the other day I told my friend about what I wrote Over 6 years ago. I wrote something bad and it was something that I had a severe anger issue with and I was hospitalized for it. I had bad thoughts at the time.

I am always too honest With this friend and say TMI. I talk about my issues,my mistakes,etc. Mayhe this is manic impulsive behavior.

This friend got really upset after hearing about my past journal writing and doesn’t even want to be my friend.

I know it was a horrible
Thing to think and write but I was severely frustrated and depressed at the time.

This friend said they don’t trust me anymore and it’s crazy.
That I could’ve got into really big trouble. That It was so stupid and crazy.

I was Having severe mental problems in the past and I took the help and have been seeing therapist and on medication for all of these years. There are times I get so upset and have fits like I want to hurt myself.

Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts that I know are not true and are only that intrusive thoughts.

But because this friend got so upset and thinks I am capable of something so bad it really upsets me.

I will talk to my therapist about this as soon as I see her.

I am not a horrible person. I just had horrible thoughts at the time and I am scared to ever get it again.

Being mentally ill is a challenge. Sometimes I don’t even want to live.

I questioned myself now...am I really that horrible? Am I capable of such horrible things?? Which I know I’m not.

There is no going back and taking back what I shared.

I regret ever having the bad thoughts and writing it and regret ever talking about it.

I told my friend That It upsets me they think I am
That bad.

I think im
The only one in the world who has ever made this stupid mistake and maybe I am crazy.

I want to forgive myself for this mistaake and move on but it’s hard knowing my best friend who was understating of my mental illness now gave up on me for good.

It is a horrible feeling to know what I did was so horrible.

I shouldn’t have Mentioned something bad like that from
The past. This was not someone random
I told it to it was my best friend for years who I told everything to.

I am
Mostly upset of losing the friend,upset that I ever mentioned it and upset this friend think I might really be that same angry person.

So now I am getting a little paranoid questioning am I that person? I know I am
Not but this friend is no longer because they think I am that way.

I know I shouldn’t of said it and should’ve wait to tell my therapist.

What can I do now other than forget it? It will be on my
Mind for days realizing I lost my friend over this and it might send me into a bad cycle.

But I learned CBT and I am using it now will continue.

I wonder why did I want to share this old journal
Entry with my friend? I think
I wanted to be honest how bad I have been im
The past
And how much i
Changes but it did the opppsite and showed them maybe I am still
That way. SMH
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
2,948
Location
United States
I am schizoaffective and reading this I do not really see anything bad with your past to the point of losing a friend unless you were talking about highly abnormal things but if you are constantly being harmed it is normal to want to defend yourself and put an end to what is bothering you... homicidal thoughts are not good because murder is illegal but people shoot people for tresspassing on their property and it is seen as acceptable. Isn't it more offensive when someone trespasses on your mind, body, and human rights? That is what causes mental disorder in my opinion... knowing that you do not deserve to be harmed, hating being harmed, then being looked at as evil because you are angry and want to protect yourself. In my case my homicidal thoughts were a bit abnormal because I had a disturbed thought life with irregular reasoning. I am sorry to hear that you lost a friend and I hope you heal from the hurt quickly.
 
S

SweetBipolar

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2020
Messages
63
Location
usa
I am schizoaffective and reading this I do not really see anything bad with your past to the point of losing a friend unless you were talking about highly abnormal things but if you are constantly being harmed it is normal to want to defend yourself and put an end to what is bothering you... homicidal thoughts are not good because murder is illegal but people shoot people for tresspassing on their property and it is seen as acceptable. Isn't it more offensive when someone trespasses on your mind, body, and human rights? That is what causes mental disorder in my opinion... knowing that you do not deserve to be harmed, hating being harmed, then being looked at as evil because you are angry and want to protect yourself. In my case my homicidal thoughts were a bit abnormal because I had a disturbed thought life with irregular reasoning. I am sorry to hear that you lost a friend and I hope you heal from the hurt quickly.
Thank you.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
2,948
Location
United States
Thank you.
:hug: I don't even know how to reply to your thanks. I don't even feel like you need to thank me because what you expressed is so much hurt that I feel hurt too. I think people usually say "don't mention it"when they feel like this.

Yw 😊
 
F

Failing Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
148
Location
Virginia
Sweets, I’m so sorry you lost your friend! This kind of thing has happened to me over and over and over again. I think the cruelest part about bipolar is that we crave so much understanding about the intensity of our feelings and bc the average person doesn’t feel as Intensely as we do....they cant understand and connect with us in the way we are looking for. More than once I’ve been with friends and been having a fun time, and I just get carried away or overly excited and then BOOM! All the sudden I’m an over-zealous weirdo. It’s amazing that your friend was accepting enough to make you feel safe enough to share the deep dark stuff. Try not to hold it against her for bailing (even though I know it hurts so much) and try to consider that the feelings you wrote are so drastically different that what she would feel in the same situation, she probably didn’t know how to handle it. If you really think about it....writing the horrible things instead of acting on them was a super healthy way for you to deal. Don’t punish yourself. Just try to learn from the mistake and reserve the deep dark stuff for the journal and your therapist. My heart goes out to you, hope things are better soon!
 
S

SweetBipolar

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2020
Messages
63
Location
usa
Sweets, I’m so sorry you lost your friend! This kind of thing has happened to me over and over and over again. I think the cruelest part about bipolar is that we crave so much understanding about the intensity of our feelings and bc the average person doesn’t feel as Intensely as we do....they cant understand and connect with us in the way we are looking for. More than once I’ve been with friends and been having a fun time, and I just get carried away or overly excited and then BOOM! All the sudden I’m an over-zealous weirdo. It’s amazing that your friend was accepting enough to make you feel safe enough to share the deep dark stuff. Try not to hold it against her for bailing (even though I know it hurts so much) and try to consider that the feelings you wrote are so drastically different that what she would feel in the same situation, she probably didn’t know how to handle it. If you really think about it....writing the horrible things instead of acting on them was a super healthy way for you to deal. Don’t punish yourself. Just try to learn from the mistake and reserve the deep dark stuff for the journal and your therapist. My heart goes out to you, hope things are better soon!
Thank you
 
Takingmybrain

Takingmybrain

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
235
Location
Leeds
I told my only friend About my past psychotic thoughts and it ruined our relationship.

For years and even now I have a lot of problems in my mind. Diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago. I get mood swings and identity issues. But I see therapist and take
Medication. I am feeling better now.

I looked at years old journal and realize I would write bad things. I wrote about an ex who treated me bad and at the time I felt Homicidal. So I wrote something stupid out of anger.

So this current friend (no longer) is someone I felt comfortable sharing everything with.

So the other day I told my friend about what I wrote Over 6 years ago. I wrote something bad and it was something that I had a severe anger issue with and I was hospitalized for it. I had bad thoughts at the time.

I am always too honest With this friend and say TMI. I talk about my issues,my mistakes,etc. Mayhe this is manic impulsive behavior.

This friend got really upset after hearing about my past journal writing and doesn’t even want to be my friend.

I know it was a horrible
Thing to think and write but I was severely frustrated and depressed at the time.

This friend said they don’t trust me anymore and it’s crazy.
That I could’ve got into really big trouble. That It was so stupid and crazy.

I was Having severe mental problems in the past and I took the help and have been seeing therapist and on medication for all of these years. There are times I get so upset and have fits like I want to hurt myself.

Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts that I know are not true and are only that intrusive thoughts.

But because this friend got so upset and thinks I am capable of something so bad it really upsets me.

I will talk to my therapist about this as soon as I see her.

I am not a horrible person. I just had horrible thoughts at the time and I am scared to ever get it again.

Being mentally ill is a challenge. Sometimes I don’t even want to live.

I questioned myself now...am I really that horrible? Am I capable of such horrible things?? Which I know I’m not.

There is no going back and taking back what I shared.

I regret ever having the bad thoughts and writing it and regret ever talking about it.

I told my friend That It upsets me they think I am
That bad.

I think im
The only one in the world who has ever made this stupid mistake and maybe I am crazy.

I want to forgive myself for this mistaake and move on but it’s hard knowing my best friend who was understating of my mental illness now gave up on me for good.

It is a horrible feeling to know what I did was so horrible.

I shouldn’t have Mentioned something bad like that from
The past. This was not someone random
I told it to it was my best friend for years who I told everything to.

I am
Mostly upset of losing the friend,upset that I ever mentioned it and upset this friend think I might really be that same angry person.

So now I am getting a little paranoid questioning am I that person? I know I am
Not but this friend is no longer because they think I am that way.

I know I shouldn’t of said it and should’ve wait to tell my therapist.

What can I do now other than forget it? It will be on my
Mind for days realizing I lost my friend over this and it might send me into a bad cycle.

But I learned CBT and I am using it now will continue.

I wonder why did I want to share this old journal
Entry with my friend? I think
I wanted to be honest how bad I have been im
The past
And how much i
Changes but it did the opppsite and showed them maybe I am still
That way. SMH
Sadly some people just arbt aware of what mental illness can do to a person ( such as the terrible inteusive thoughts it can give a person) and it scares them. Ur not that person anymore and just because we think bad things diesnt always mean we will do them either. The important part is u got help. U need friends who will understand and there are people who will understand. Im sorry u lost ur friend
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,155
Location
Nashua NH
I’m sorry you lost a friend that supported you.
Many people don’t understand the nature of mental illness. While you felt comfortable enough to share these things with your friend it made them not want to spend time with you as a result. You will have the opportunity to make new friends in the future. When you have people in your life you might want to be more mindful of the things that you choose to share with them. Some people may be more understanding, some may be less understanding and hold it against you so it’s best to be more careful so you don’t say anything that could alienate your friends if you don’t want to lose them.
 
Top