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I thought my depression was linked to my failure. I'm still depressed even though I "succeeded".

queenleblanc

queenleblanc

Member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Georgia, US
Every so often, I check my diary. Sometimes I'm a tiny bit hopeful that I'll come out in one piece, but I make it, solve the problem, and I come back to depression. It's even hard to type, from the pressure I feel, the "laziness", the lethargy. I see people who make these enormous paintings and I can barely paint for 30 minutes without losing all energy, seeing it as "bad" (even tho i know i can do better) and giving up.

I thought I was just a failure, no job, useless studies, useless life, not going anywhere. I then learned an employable skill (programming) and make almost 6 figures since the start of the year. I have the biggest savings I've ever had. And I still feel like absolute shit.

I can barely do my job anymore. I get told to do something and I'm so bored, so lacking energy, that I pass most of the time waiting for the pressure to become inevitable. I listen to music, play games, lay down on my bed and think, and think, because if I'm on my bed, I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. And then when there's only 12 hours to delivery, I crunch, still feeling terrible, and in constant pain, and finish a mediocre product when I know I'm very capable and could do something great.

Again, I'm sucking someone else's pockets like a vampire. Living well off promises I make, then not delivering. My Github profile shows that, even though I have been paid for a full month, I have not worked in all of July. Literally, I have not committed any code. It seems I'm only truly talented at fake smiles, showing presence at the right time, and answering technical questions.

I've made enormous and very complex programs, and paintings, in my less depressed times. But in these times, I have nothing but a dark cloud towering over me, pushing me into a mental ball. I can now move, feed myself and my family for years, and even buy some cheap real estate in the third world, or go "have fun", but all I do is lie down on my bed and sulk, read memes for the sake of reading memes, pretending I'm a loyal employee, a loyal daughter, but I can't even serve myself, much less others, when my desires fade away. So many years have passed, and I'm still incapable of getting up and doing what I want to do.

What do I want to do? To code well, to paint well, to go out and meet people, to move to another country and taste all their foods, to watch all the landscapes, but I can't even finish writing a forum post without my fingers feeling heavy and numb from the effort.

I wish I could blame anyone, anything, but there's just me and my eternal slumber.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,652
Location
USA
Clinical Depression is often unrelated to our circumstances. A depressive episode can be triggered by events in your life, but the resolution of those events won't necessarily make the depression end. By then, it's existing on it's own inertia.

Periods of depression will eventually end, you just have to let it run it's course. That has always worked for me. In the meantime, try and stay busy and occupied-get good sleep, eat well, try and exercise regularly and try and maintain a regular, productive routine. You might have to push yourself off the bed, but staying busy with code is a good way to focus on the NOW, which is so essential in addressing Depression and it's brother Anxiety. I work full time and it provides a challenge that adds order to my life-and feeling in control and with order is important to resolve depression.

There are also good medications out there to take the edge off of Depression. Have you consulted a doctor or Psychiatrist to discuss those? They've helped a lot of people through the toughest times, myself included.
 
A Fancy Carp

A Fancy Carp

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2021
Messages
167
Location
California
Man, I know exactly what you're going through. One of the things that separates clinical depression from regular depression is that it's a brain malfunction. You can't logic yourself out of it. Personally, an antidepressant did wonders for me. Depression is a hell of a drug.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
672
Success can sometimes be as difficult to deal with as failure. Success can fill every void that you thought you had, settle every score with those who said you were no good at this that or the other, but then you find yourself back where you once were when you were a failure. That place is a bad place, but at least it is familiar place. It almost feels like a safe place even though it can be chaotic or debilitating.
 
C

cathanifrind174

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2021
Messages
100
Location
Paris, France
I can relate to it. Six years ago I went through a depression when I was unemployed. I was convinced that unemployment was the major cause for my depression and I was partially right. When I got my job, I put all my energy into and it worked wonders.

Earlier this year, I had everything going for me - I was to get married in a few months, a decent job, loving family. I really couldn't think of one thing I didn't have. But depression still struck me hard.

The unemployment phase was so traumatic that it left such deep scars that even with a job I like I fall into depression from time to time. That is why there is more to it than externals. I am on antidepressants and I feel like they've only made things worse.

But it is liberating to know that I have a disease and my depression wasn't just an emotional reaction to joblessness.
 
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