I think someone is triggering me, and I don't know that to do

Celaena97

Celaena97

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#1
(Please bear with me, English isn't my first language so I'm so, so sorry if I make any mistake)

I've been dealing with social anxiety from a couple of years now (I was 14, now I'm 21), for the most part I can control it as long as nobody pushes me to do things unexpectedly, just give me some time to prepare myself and I'll do it just fine. Here's the deal, I downloaded Tinder a few weeks ago because I thought it would be a nice little challenge for me, get myself out there without having the stress to talk in person, you know? So, I match with this guy, he's pretty cool, we have a similar vision of the world, share some interests and he's good looking too. After a few days, we exchange numbers and he would call me pretty much every day. Everything was alright until he tells me late at night one day "let's meet tomorrow". I mean, I wanted to meet him (we facetimed so I know it's really him), but it triggered my anxiety a bit, because he kept telling me, you just told me you're pretty much free tomorrow, so why can't you? Which isn't really what I said. You see, I'm a freelancer, I make my own stuff and sell them from home, but that doesn't mean that I don't do anything all day long, and that I can take the whole day to go all and about; with Valentine's day so close, I had a lot of commissions so I was really busy. He goes and tells me that that's a lack of interest, because you can always find time for your priorities. That made me a bit annoyed because dude, you know nothing about my life, you just can't dispose of my time as you please. But anyways, he asked another time even tho I told him that I wouldn't have time until after Valentine's, so again, i said no. Fast forward to this Thursday, we're talking over the phone at night, and again, he tells me "what are you doing tomorrow? I'm going with some friends to the beach, you should come with us", aaaand again, my anxiety went to the roof, it was a bit stressing for me already to meet him, but his friends also? I just couldn't, It was too much for me. Besides, I moved to this country a few months ago, I still don't know how to navigate through it that well, so ofc it makes be a little doubtful to go with a guy I've never met before outside the city to who knows where. So I was trying to find a nice way to tell him that I didn't want to go, but he caught on it by himself and told me that he didn't find the point of talking with someone who he will never meet, that he could understand that me being a woman meeting a guy she doesn't know anything about could me make me nervous and stuff, but that if I lived in that bubble of fear all the time, life would pass me and I wouldn't realise it until it was too late. Now, with me suffering from SA, that has ALWAYS been a fear, I don't want to waste opportunities because I'm scared, and I was starting to feel a minor panic attack as we talked. The thing is, I didn't want to go to the beach, I was tired from not sleeping all week to finish what I was doing, and on top of that, I didn't have the energy to meet all that people, so I just said no over and over again. He ask me, are you scared of something? Did something happened to you before and that's why you don't want to meet me? Just tell me anything, I want to understand and I want to help.

You should now that this guy is pretty into spirituality, he's pretty chill (or at least it is when we speak) and down to talk about anything and hear every point of view with an open mind. I've never discussed my SA with anyone other than my parents and my therapist, because people just don't tend to get it, but I said well, maybe if I explain it to him, he'll understand and I can finally make things happen without losing my mind. Buttttt no, he's one of those people who thinks that mental illness can be magically cured with positive thoughts, that you just have to do what you're scared of in order to heal (well duh, Sherlock), but the thing is, it has NEVER worked for me when someone forces me to do those things, I block, I panic, I don't feel good even after it's done. I need to do it for myself when I'm ready. He just kept going on and on about how I should face my fears, that he was an anxious fellow before as well, that I'll just live a boring life if I don't break the routine. And as he spoke, I started to feel the panic attack grow, the dizziness, the heartbeats, the cold, the sweat, the chest pain. I wanted him to stop asking, so when he said ok, not tomorrow, I'll pick you up on Monday, I just said yes. I thought that I would have enough time to deal with it. But the next day I realized that he'll take me to where all his friends hang out. And ever since then, I've had panic attacks just thinking about it, can't sleep, I'm eating and I just loose my appetite. I hadn't had a single panic attack in almost 4 years, and I just had 5 in a couple of days. I don't know what I should do, should I get over it and meet him? Should I tell him that I don't want go? Just writing all of this, thinking about it, makes my chest hurts. And I mean, he's the sort of guy who wakes up and decides to go to the other extreme of the country, just like that, but I can't afford to do that, I'm constantly working on different things that I can't take with me, so it makes me wonder that perhaps we won't be that compatible. I need my time, and he wants me to work according to his. But I'm afraid that is my anxiety talking, holding me back. I just don't know, I want to feel at peace again y.y
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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#2
Maybe your anxiety and panic is actually your intuition telling you to avoid going anywhere at all with this guy.He doesn't sound very understanding and seems rather pushy and dicey to me.
 
daffy

daffy

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#3
Hi there and welcome. May I first say your English is excellent. As a fellow surfer of SA I fully understand your nervousness and meeting him for the first time with a group of his friends is daunting and perhaps not very safe. If you really do want to meet with him tell him you’ll meet for a coffee in a public place that you know and feel secure to see how you get on and then maybe meet his friends at another time. But it’s entirly up to you. the most important thing is to make sure that you keep yourself safe :hug::hug:
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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#4
Maybe your anxiety and panic is actually your intuition telling you to avoid going anywhere at all with this guy.He doesn't sound very understanding and seems rather pushy and dicey to me.
That's the thing, some part of me is begging me not to go, but I'm not sure if it's just my anxiety talking. I guess I find it very weird that someone is so pushy with a stranger. I've gone out on dates before, and yeah I was anxious, but nothing like this so it does makes me wonder what's going on this time. Thank you SO much for replying
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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Dominican republic
#5
Hi there and welcome. May I first say your English is excellent. As a fellow surfer of SA I fully understand your nervousness and meeting him for the first time with a group of his friends is daunting and perhaps not very safe. If you really do want to meet with him tell him you’ll meet for a coffee in a public place that you know and feel secure to see how you get on and then maybe meet his friends at another time. But it’s entirly up to you. the most important thing is to make sure that you keep yourself safe :hug::hug:
You're so kind, thank you SO much /.\ I told him to go to a public space (which would make me feel already much less anxious) but he always finds a way to tell me to go where HE wants to go, that he can come and give me a ride so I don't have to worry about that. I don't know... isn't it a bit weird? Why being so pushy with someone you don't know at all?
 
daffy

daffy

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#6
DO NOT LET HIM PICK YOU UP. Please I cannot state that loud enough. Do not let him or anyone you may meet know your home address until you are very sure of him. In all honesty this man doesn’t sound very nice. He’s not listening to what you want. You’ve told him your anxious and he’s not responding to that in the correct way, by still insisting you meet his friends. I would say bye bye to him. The right one will turn up eventually. Take care
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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#7
DO NOT LET HIM PICK YOU UP. Please I cannot state that loud enough. Do not let him or anyone you may meet know your home address until you are very sure of him. In all honesty this man doesn’t sound very nice. He’s not listening to what you want. You’ve told him your anxious and he’s not responding to that in the correct way, by still insisting you meet his friends. I would say bye bye to him. The right one will turn up eventually. Take care
Don't worry, I wasn't planning on giving him my address. You know what? I think I'll listen to my anxiety this time, you're all right, too many red flags with this guy. Thank you for listening and replying, you have no idea how much better I feel already!
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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#8
I'm so glad you're going to listen to your gut instincts.You may have saved yourself some serious harm with him wanting/pushing you to meet his friends.There's so many horrible scenarios that could have went down that I don't think I need to list them.
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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#9
Guys just one last question, I was thinking about just blocking him but I'm afraid that won't be enough, I did it once when he got a bit too much for me and he called me from another phone. Should I tell him I don't want to keep talking with him?
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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#10
I think its good you don't just give in and have the guts to say no even when pushed.

Calling from another phone is really creep I think. I mean get the hint bro.

If you don't wanna talk to him anymore, yes say so. Can just say you are not feeling right about it, don't let him make it into a long conversation. Just say you have nothing else to say about it and that you decided. Let that be it and then never again answer his calls, ever, he tire eventually.

A way of getting around your problem is asking the dude out (even if its not this dude). Ask him to come to some of your favorite food places. So you can be comfortable and in control of the situation. That way you avoid all other factors that are new and creates anxiety. Keep doing this ask people to come to cinema that you know, a beach you know. etc. And if everything feels good then I think its no problem meeting their friends later on for you? I think its cool you dared talk to a stranger about your problems, even a potential partner that is really strong.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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#11
Guys just one last question, I was thinking about just blocking him but I'm afraid that won't be enough, I did it once when he got a bit too much for me and he called me from another phone. Should I tell him I don't want to keep talking with him?
Block him and then only take calls from people you know that way you won't take a chance on talking to him.You don't owe him anything,not an explanation or even to tell him you don't want to keep talking with him.Just don't talk to him at all and leave it at that.
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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Joined
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Dominican republic
#12
I think its good you don't just give in and have the guts to say no even when pushed.

Calling from another phone is really creep I think. I mean get the hint bro.

If you don't wanna talk to him anymore, yes say so. Can just say you are not feeling right about it, don't let him make it into a long conversation. Just say you have nothing else to say about it and that you decided. Let that be it and then never again answer his calls, ever, he tire eventually.

A way of getting around your problem is asking the dude out (even if its not this dude). Ask him to come to some of your favorite food places. So you can be comfortable and in control of the situation. That way you avoid all other factors that are new and creates anxiety. Keep doing this ask people to come to cinema that you know, a beach you know. etc. And if everything feels good then I think its no problem meeting their friends later on for you? I think its cool you dared talk to a stranger about your problems, even a potential partner that is really strong.
Thank you so much for answering, that's what I did, I came clean and then I blocked his number too. I did try to make him meet me in a coffee shop, but he didn't want to go any other place than where he wanted to take me, which didn't help me to ease myself hahaha. I do believe there was something weird going on, so I'm just happy I blocked him, I sure hope he gets tired of trying to contact with me from another number
 
Celaena97

Celaena97

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#13
Block him and then only take calls from people you know that way you won't take a chance on talking to him.You don't owe him anything,not an explanation or even to tell him you don't want to keep talking with him.Just don't talk to him at all and leave it at that.
I'm just reading this now, I told him that whatever this was, it was over, and I blocked him. He's been trying to contact me from another number, I'm hoping this will stop soon. Thank you so much for been with me through the whole thing. It was a bit scary to be honest
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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#14
Thank you so much for answering, that's what I did, I came clean and then I blocked his number too. I did try to make him meet me in a coffee shop, but he didn't want to go any other place than where he wanted to take me, which didn't help me to ease myself hahaha. I do believe there was something weird going on, so I'm just happy I blocked him, I sure hope he gets tired of trying to contact with me from another number
So basicly you are smart. Anxiety is created for us to help us in situations like this, as it helped you here. Sometimes the system gets overloaded though and creates problems instead. Anxiety really is a tool to avoid bad situations you know =)