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I think my mum is toxic

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Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Hello all. It's 4.45am and while my kids are asleep I want to try and put into words how I feel. I hope I can find some answers on here. I don't find it easy to explain my mum. I'm 29 and it was four years ago when I was expecting my first child all these feelings came out. My mum made me feel so emotionally up and down when I was pregnant
I think I was expecting her to be by my side and supportive but instead I remember feeling so alone when it came to her. She found fault with my choices. If I wanted to buy anything other than what she had for us she made me feel like I was going over the top. She was not happy I found out the sex. In fact both parents went grumpy over this and forced me to keep it to myself. I had a 4d scan and I remember my mum being really uninterested and asking the price before making a disgusted face. She also mocked the way I rung her and told her she was born... This was when I started to realise all my life my mum had been this way.

She always fed us, clothed us, bathed us, kept us safe etc. But I think that's as far as it went. I don't think she ever truly wanted to be close to me or my sisters. I have no memories of her hugging me. Never heard her say I love you. She was always so cold if we were ill. I remember how she would just say well get back to bed and then shove a glass of water In my room and paracetamol and walk off. She would carry on cooking or cleaning if I cried. Luckily I'm settled in a happy relationship now. But she I was younger and had a relationship that ended she made me feel guilty about how she had been so stressed from my problems.

The last three years I've found she's getting really opionated. She has four daughters. At the moment she isn't happy with one of my sisters. She's ignored her for weeks now. She says nasty stuff about her to everyone. My sister doesn't deserve it, she's not done anything major she just took a job working with a member of family to my other sisters ex. She needed the job and she has tried really hard to explain!! My mum is saying things like she's the one who hasn't called or visited, but she fails to realise its because she's made her feel so unwelcome.

Another thing I want to add is she is really judgemental. She is on Facebook and she is constantly kicking off to us about people's pictures, or how my auntie and her kids are always saying how beautiful eachother are etc. My mum now writes bootiful on pictures of her grandkids but she's basically taking the p out of everyone else.. The thing is we only know why she's doing it, so she gets away with it. I just feel like nobody knows what she's like.

Recently I've been starting to feel like she's all for my sister who is a year older than me. She's skint and has had alot of trouble with her ex. It's like she's the only one my mum barely gets annoyed at. I love my sister and occasionally she does notice mums behaviour but she does seem to be the least judged despite the fact she has probably been the one who's not helped herself along the way. The rest of us however mum loves an opportunity to put us down. She never seems happy or interested if u buy anything for my house or kids. She always finds danger in everything and makes you feel incapable. She tells me my legs are fat. She recently went to a rare family do and was so happy to tell me my cousins wife also has big fat legs so I could wear a dress at the next get together because suddenly it was OK!!! I do t have fat legs may I add. I have thicker legs but I always have had them and I walk everywhere.

I decided to write this because lately I've felt uncomfortable with her. I get vibes she's wanting go pick at me again recently. Everything I do she makes unhelpful comments. I've just put my toddler Into nursery an extra morning a week. Rather than say she understood as I get no childcare Its a huge help for me, she started saying I should of sent her to a different nursery that I have repeatedly said I don't want to use as it's three hours a day everyday and I like her at home some days. As soon as I say I've brought things for Xmas for the kids she tells me I don't need to get them anything else because they will get from others. She does this every year. It drives me mad as the kids get £100 each and I feel defensive everytime I buy anything. I've also noticed lately she has been picking at my parenting and my three year old. She barely sees us and never Comes around but she voices her opinions on my daughters eating habits (she's a grazer and has never eaten huge amounts in one go) telling me how to handle her tantrums etc. She will say you want to get her told etc. She doesn't see me constantly correcting her or putting her in her room etc. She is so critical. Always commenting on your cleaning skills, your garden, she likes to show us off when it suits her, she likes to act the grandma of the year for other people, but for me I just feel that somethings not normal or healthy with her. Although this post is long there's so much more. I hope people read it and thank you so much if you do. I just need some help getting my head around it. When I think of the future I want a close bond with my kids. I want love and laughter and them coming around for a chat. I see myself being that mum excited about every appointment when my daughters grown up and pregnant. So why did my own mum not want any of that? I must add due to hip replacements she has gradually over the years had to slow down and currently doesn't go out without my dad. She spends 90% of her time home. Any ideas?
 
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emzz

Guest
Hi Charlene and welcome to MHF, I'm responding to your post as I could have written it myself, its a terrible realisation that our parents are not really there for us as they should be, as you I was clothed and fed but the lack of nurturing has had a horrendous affect on my mental health, father ( find it hard to call him dad) died suddenly but not unexpected ( he was a chronic alcoholic) 10 years ago with us not talking I would only see him when he wanted something, he didn't abuse me in anyway but he just wasn't there ever to say ' it's going to be ok with a reassuring hug' but I see now he had his own demons and probably should not have had children (I have an older brother) then there's mum who as far as nurturing goes she was the same as father, she's an old lady now and hasn't a clue how I feel as still to this day "I don't want to upset her" anyway she would reject what I say and do the usual thing 'make it all about herself' (I'm not going to go on and on as writing this makes me feel that I'm a bad daughter) I just want to show my support to you, do some research on Narcistic Parents, there are loads of books written about this, be strong Charlene don't waste time or energy trying to work out your mothers behaviour and be the mother to your children that yours isn't to you, I have two grownup children and have no problem telling them I love you! neither of my parents ever uttered those words to my brother or myself! take care you are not alone.
 
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Candy19

Guest
my mum is very similar to yours and it is toxic, yeah she may have fed you, clothed you, kept a roof over your head, but being emotionally available and loving is also just as important for your well being

she also sounds jealous of you now being a mother, maybe she realises she wasn't as good to her children as she could have been, so she tries to control how you bring up your child?
 
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Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Hi Charlene and welcome to MHF, I'm responding to your post as I could have written it myself, its a terrible realisation that our parents are not really there for us as they should be, as you I was clothed and fed but the lack of nurturing has had a horrendous affect on my mental health, father ( find it hard to call him dad) died suddenly but not unexpected ( he was a chronic alcoholic) 10 years ago with us not talking I would only see him when he wanted something, he didn't abuse me in anyway but he just wasn't there ever to say ' it's going to be ok with a reassuring hug' but I see now he had his own demons and probably should not have had children (I have an older brother) then there's mum who as far as nurturing goes she was the same as father, she's an old lady now and hasn't a clue how I feel as still to this day "I don't want to upset her" anyway she would reject what I say and do the usual thing 'make it all about herself' (I'm not going to go on and on as writing this makes me feel that I'm a bad daughter) I just want to show my support to you, do some research on Narcistic Parents, there are loads of books written about this, be strong Charlene don't waste time or energy trying to work out your mothers behaviour and be the mother to your children that yours isn't to you, I have two grownup children and have no problem telling them I love you! neither of my parents ever uttered those words to my brother or myself! take care you are not alone.
Hello and thank you for reading and replying to me. That must of Been so hard for you. I totally understand how you feel. I'm forever feeling not good enough. I have missed out so much on my young adult life because I was never taught to go out for meals or for nights out, I was never taught to go for my dreams. I don't class myself as an interesting person. I'm confident speaking to people. I'm happy enough and love my partner and kids, I have a couple of lovely friends. But the rest of my life I feel so uninteresting. I've never liked myself in clothes as my mum drags us all into the nothing suits us and fashions rubbish. I never learnt to drive as they were so unsupportive when I failed. I never went partying as I didn't feel I was that type of girl. I often feel ugly when I'm at my mums. She rarely says anything nice if I have a new outfit but if you need to pull your jeans up or your tops creased she will say something then. It's just so hard to see what other women have got with their mums isn't it. When people say if I'm half the person my mum was, I just don't relate. It's confusing though because despite everything I still go to her and ring her and care about her. She can be nice in other ways but in so many ways she's just so negative and cold x
 
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Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Hiya and thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear you are also in this boat. Have you found ways to manage it and deal with it. I have wasted so many days just going over stuff in my head and feeling wound up. I think she definitely wants me to raise my kids with what we had. My kids have more clothes and toys than we did. Certainly not spoilt but I like to buy them clothes because I want them to feel confident and happy as they grow up. I guess that's an issue with me again. It's more the experiences I want to give my children, I think that winds her up almost? We never had holidays or birthday party's. My three year old has had two holidays just in the UK at the coast for a week. But I am hoping she will always have lovely memories of it all as the years go by. My mum thought we were mad travelling four Hour away with two kids. Birthday wise I don't feel comfortable with parties and mixing both families..i don't feel I can host and be myself in front of my parents. My partners family are naturally kind and mine are sarky so it's hard. I cringe at the idea of me having a laugh with other people infront of them. It's an awful feeling. She never did birthday tea parties with us either. I do worry I will fail my kids trying to sort stuff around my family all the time x
 
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emzz

Guest
People used to go on about the wonderful tutor my father was with there children! and I would think ' are we talking about the same man here! 'more faces than the town clock' would come to mind, before we stopped talking I would duck&dive to avoid him as his negativity would have me upset for days, the relationship with my mother now is, in small doses, I just seem to wait for the next load of crap to come out of her mouth! I Do feel sorry for her as apart from her sister she has no friends but then again it's because of how she's badly treated them, at times I to think she's jealous of what I have achieved and guess what Iv done it on my own!
Keep a sense of humour Charlene and hopefully it will help lighten your heavy load, take care.
 
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emzz

Guest
PS: Have you seen how many views your post has had already, we are by no means alone with this and by been open on here we can hopefully help others who feel exactly as we do.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I am the skapegoat and nothing I do will change that. Lord knows I have been trying for most of my life.

I am done with toxic stress and toxic people no matter who they are.

Our last visit, an emergency one as my mother is slowly dying was so bad that I have not contacted them since. and it has been quite a long while ago.

I will send cards for their wedding anniversary next month and a Christmas card, but that is it.

I am reserving my time, energy and care for people who appreciate me and reciprocate.

They enjoy wonderful reputations in their small community so it is better for them that they enjoy those relationships.

I had been willing to try to be a comfort to them, esp mom, but I was shown how little that was worth to them. Why bother anymore?
 
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emzz

Guest
Their loss Tiltawhirl you sound like a very warm, caring and loving person, Iv learnt the hard way to give 'Toxic people' a wide birth, they just suck me dry and drained for days!
 
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LaPetiteGen

Member
Joined
Sep 15, 2018
Messages
6
Oh love, I know exactly how you feel. It is a terrible feeling when you realize your mother isn't the person you thought she was or wished she had been. What you need to know is her behavior and her actions or even reactions are NOT a reflection of you! It sounds like your mother is filled with her own brokenness that impacts how she sees and relates to the world. Hurt people love hurting others. Please know that you can't change her nor is it your responsibility to do so. Having healthy boundaries when it comes to her is something good for you and your family. Try to extend compassion and grace to her but always keep your mental and emotional health and that of your family top priority! It is OK to put your family first and in no way is a negative attribute against you as her daughter. Toxic people come in all shapes and sizes- even our own mothers. First step is forgiving her and second step is establishing healthy expectations and perimeters to your relationship.Praying your find your way and come to terms with redefining your relationship with your mother.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I ran into this poem today and just love it!:

If you are disrespectful with me,
I will move out of your way, but
I will not disrespect you.
I will not be unkind to you.
I will not mirror your actions.
Who are you to make me step down
to a level
where I don't belong.

Nawja Zebwain
 
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Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Thank you to everyone who replied to me. I've just popped back on today. Having abit of a wobble. I've noted lately that if I take an interest in anything on the news, or if I watch something based on a true story my mum has called me obsessed. It's triggered all these memories of whenever I cared or took an interest in anything she said this. I'm not sure if anyone can remember the Charlie Guard case. I was pregnant with my second child at the time and I followed the case. It was something my mum couldn't of cared about. She told me I was obsessed. We talked this morning about a program i have been watching based on a true story. She said I think you get a bit obsessed with stuff. How random!! The other week I declined an invite to a cousins wedding that we don't see. Mainly because she doesn't want children at the night do.not much use when I don't have any babysitters. My mum said she was more sociable than me. I don't understand how she is when she doesn't go out the house, doesn't have friends she goes out with, doesn't even visit her children and never did parties etc for us as kids. She doesn't even go into town anymore. I meet up with my 2 mum friends and we take the kids out every week. I go to my partners family's birthdays etc, I leave the house most days. I have a national trust card so I can take my daughter out to outdoor parks and stuff. I have booked a holiday for us by the coast in April. My sister who is a year older than me doesn't mix with anyone apart from my mum and her partner. She doesn't have a single friend. So how can they be more outgoing than me.

Before I was a mum I worked for 10 years. I was part of a team, I looked after people, I did pharmacy work, I met up with friends in the evening sometimes. I had my children. My parents didn't want to be hands on grand parents. I have nobody to rely on when I'm unwell or if I want to go and do something. It's a struggle to get my hair cut as I can't leave the kids anywhere. I do miss my old life a bit right now. I wish I had something that was mine again. I wish I could work a small amount of hours. But I literally can't. The kids are often poorly with nursery bugs the eldest brings home I would never be able to afford childcare for the baby. I know right now this is my job. It's just when I worked etc I didn't know about my mum's behaviour. It didn't cross my mind. I almost feel a fear now that I'm becoming like her. I'm at home. I don't work. I don't drive and I don't do anything out of the ordinary. I really can't tell if there is truth in what she says or if she is putting me down. I suppose I watch things and read things now as that's the only thing I can do now. I try and find things to work my brain a little away from c beebies. I'm certainly not obsessed. I suppose sometimes I talk about things I've watched to her or read as it's a change from talking about kids.

Sorry this is such a random wobbly post.
 
4EVRHSP

4EVRHSP

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 11, 2019
Messages
64
Location
...
Hi Charlene89.

Yes, i absolutely relate to your post. She sounds a lot like my mother who has been a toxic, unstable and horrible parent to me. A lot of the things that people are saying are right. They do the basics like food and shelter but completely missed the mark about nurturing and emotional support and sensitivity. I feel like all of my problems to do with life and others stem from my mother ( and father's ) emotional ineptitude.

I suppose the sad thing is, we can't do anything. We need to just forget them to be those saviours we need them to be. It's so hard because if we don't have a support network ( i've always laughed at this term, this is like something out of a fairytale to me ) then who else do we turn to?

My mother doesn't understand emotions or sensitivity because she is rough, short sighted and has no empathy whatsoever and I know she never will. I think this definitely applies to your mother as well. Just realise that nothing is your fault.. you did not choose to be born to her. She should have stepped up as the mother and heard your pleas but she didn't. They were never equipped with the tools and insights to be good parents and we should give ourselves credit for having endured that. Not many people can.

Sending love!

:love:
 
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elfbark

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2019
Messages
11
Location
Australia
Hi Charlene89 et al.,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't comment on whether your mother is toxic. However, I would agree that her behaviour towards you, and your journey into being a new mother, is odd.

My experience and interpretation of your story is that, your mother, seems to be competitive - with you. And perhaps, her mothering regrets, surface in unhelpful comments, and plays of power. Why she behaves towards you in such a manner, is difficult for an outsider to determine.

To help you determine if your mother is toxic, maybe this link could be useful: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201808/12-signs-toxic-parent

After 20 years, I have recently admitted that my mother was being toxic and found the above link useful to try and help me understand my mothers behaviour. It took me such a long time to acknowledge this, because I was conditioned from birth to think that her toxic behaviour was normal. Its not normal, and the first step is admitting this - at least from my experience.

Hope this helps. All the best. Do not ignore your instincts.
 
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