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I think my mother deliberately tries to make me stressed and anxious

C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
Hi everyone,

Does anyone else here have a narcissistic mother or is familiar with the concept?

I believe I have a narcissistic mother. I started to figure this out a few years ago when I ended up in an abusive relationship with a psychopath and had to leave suddenly when he threatened to hurt me. I got help from the domestic abuse services and read up a lot on abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, narcissism and psychopathy and realised that my ex fit the profile of a psychopath which was a terrible shock. But what was even worse was, I also realised that a lot of my family members behaved in a similar way ie. unable to take responsibility for actions, lying, gaslighting, shifting blame, concealing information, mean-sweet cycle, Jekyll and Hyde personality, subtle cruelties, mocking, mimicking, shaming, denial, silent treatment, controlling, aggressive, threats, monitoring, demanding, guilt tripping etc. I feel like I was completely brainwashed because I hadn't realised this before my ex but it all clicked into place one I started learning about narcissistic abuse.

When I was dating my ex I was living with my parents. I'd moved back home as an adult after getting ill with depression and having to leave a career and they told me that they would support me to recover my health and also set up a business. Not long after leaving my ex, with PTSD from his abuse, my relationship with my parents started to breakdown as I realised they were also manipulative and emotionally abusive. They started to act really strange, leaving things in my room then denying they'd been in there, sending me weird texts then sending more texts saying the first texts were sent by accident, chopping down my flowers outside, throwing my things out then denying it etc. It felt very frightening, like a horror film (especially as I'd only just escaped my ex who I was still scared was going to come after me since he wouldn't accept that the relationship was over and kept trying to contact me.) I felt totally powerless and constantly on edge. Then, the ultimate punishment - they declared they'd put the house up for sale and I had just weeks to find a new home, with severe PTSD and no job. I couldn't believe that they would do that to me, after telling me that they were never going to sell their house and encouraging me to rest rather than look for work.

Luckily I found somewhere to live but since then I've been living in this high alert state, always worried about the next 'attack.' My mum does this thing where she won't tell you about something then bam suddenly declares you have to do something and quickly otherwise disaster will strike. It seems to be manufactured chaos to cause me emotional pain, stress and disrupt my plans to improve my life.

This week I have an event that I've arranged in the hope that it will help me find work in a new career. I've been preparing for the event for weeks. I've not told her about it but she checks my social media accounts and she might have seen about it on there. Because a few days ago she suddenly declared that we have to transfer the car details over to my name and insure it in my name despite the insurance not being due until next year (at the moment it is registered as her car and I'm a named driver). We've had an arrangement where I use this car most of the time as they have another car and it's never been a problem before and I can't help but thinking she's declared this sudden emergency to stress me out and force me to stop working on the event while I sort it out.

It's a difficult dynamic to explain but this sort of thing happens so frequently with her. It always starts off with her insisting on doing things for me to help me, then withholding information for ages and then a sudden declaration of a state of emergency that affects me and I'm forced to stop everything to sort it out. If I don't have time in the allocated timescale, she takes over and it makes me look and feel like an incapable child and a bad entitled selfish lazy daughter. These things also often have serious consequences ie. I can't drive around in an uninsured car so I'm worried she's going to cancel her insurance before I've had the chance to insure it in my name.

Anyway, hopefully this makes sense. Let me know if you can relate and how you have managed to maintain boundaries with your narcissistic family members. My main issue is that because of my health I can't work full time at the moment anyway so independence is difficult for me to achieve, yet I also know the only way to be mostly free of these stressors is by being fully independent and very low contact with my family. Another issue is that I think she tries to sabotage me being independent, by discouraging me from applying to every job I mention and doing things like the above making independence even harder to achieve. It may well be genuine about the car this time, but because of the pattern I'm very skeptical.

Thanks for listening and for any advice and support.
 
JuliaW54

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
138
Location
UK
We can’t take responsibility for other people’s actions but we can look after ourselves. I hope you sort this and move forward. I wish you well. Xx
 
M

Maryann

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
11
I feel your pain and i have realised recently that my mother can be narcissistic as well. The main here that helps me is to realise the problem and minimise communicating with her. The feelings you describe is just as what i feel, when i talk to my mother..
Wish you happiness
 
C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
Thanks Maryann. Yes, the best thing for me is low contact, it makes me feel a lot calmer and saner. My mum can be really nice, and for years I thought we were good friends, but there is always that pattern there which my therapist described as a push-pull dynamic where she kind of love bombs me then is cold or cruel or dismissive or strange but then if I try to distance myself she doesn't like that and tries to 'punish' me in various ways. It's sad but I'm glad I finally saw the pattern.
 
K

KitKat90

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2019
Messages
104
Location
Texas
My mother is also a narcissists. I really never know if what she is telling me is truthful. Everything is always about her. The only solution is to become as independent as you can from your mother. It may get worse before it gets better. I hope everything works out for you. Take care of yourself as you recover and become independent.
 
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