I think my FP is guilt tripping me

Flameheart

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I always feel so bad after conversations with him, even though I'm attached and idolise him

I've said and done things in the past that I regret and have apologised for many times, but still years later I'm made to feel guilty about it all, like things that I did as young as 16 because he brings it up on an almost weekly basis and it brings me back to a dark place

Even when I don't lash out at him for weeks/ months at a time, I'm still always made to feel like I've done something wrong or that any progress is never good enough

I only sent one message to him this week proudly saying that I've managed to not lash out at him for two weeks even though it was hard to, he responds saying that it's a crazy statement to make because there was no reason for me to lash out in the first place anyway, so I feel stupid and ashamed for ever sending it in the first place

And just before that he sent a long one reciting about how I'm to blame for his suffering the past 3-4 years when there were no messages sent by me recently to initiate that sort of response

The past few months, the only issue has been my BPD episodes, I try to explain that when they get too intense that I can't control them, but he believes I lash out purposely to hurt him when it's more that I can't handle all the emotions / thoughts that wallow inside me much longer

Even though he's the only person I open up too and he worked in mental health and said he studied BPD, I still feel so misunderstood and that I don't deserve to get better

The past year or so I've just allowed the beating of his blaming me over and over because I know I deserve it, but it's gotten to the point I really can't take it any longer

I don't know how I'm supposed to act or be around him, at the moment I'm having to bottle everything up for his well being which I know eventually will be just as damaging in the long run so I don't know what to do, maybe I should just let it destroy me as I don't deserve to be happy
 
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dewey

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Nah don't let it destroy you.
Are you in a romantic relationship with this guy?

It is good that you recognise that he is not constructive. For example, there's no point in him bringing up stuff from years ago if you've moved on in time. That sounds very counter-productive to what you are trying to achieve. Being with or around someone who makes you feel like your progress is never good enough, would not motivate anyone to want to be the best version of themselves.

It sounds like you have been trying hard, and I'm sorry to hear it sounds like you haven't started the DBT yet. You might find it easier when you start the weekly therapy as you'll hopefully have someone to offload to constantly and hopefully that will result in less lashing out.

You do deserve to be happy by the way, I know you're in a lot of pain, but trust me, you do deserve it.
 
Flameheart

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Nah don't let it destroy you.
Are you in a romantic relationship with this guy?

It is good that you recognise that he is not constructive. For example, there's no point in him bringing up stuff from years ago if you've moved on in time. That sounds very counter-productive to what you are trying to achieve. Being with or around someone who makes you feel like your progress is never good enough, would not motivate anyone to want to be the best version of themselves.

It sounds like you have been trying hard, and I'm sorry to hear it sounds like you haven't started the DBT yet. You might find it easier when you start the weekly therapy as you'll hopefully have someone to offload to constantly and hopefully that will result in less lashing out.

You do deserve to be happy by the way, I know you're in a lot of pain, but trust me, you do deserve it.
It isn't romantic, I'm still waiting to start DBT, but it sounds as if he's threatening to leave before I even have the chance to start it which I think is a bit unfair as I have no one else I can talk or open up too about anything

he says if I lash out one more time he's leaving, the only other way I know how to manage is to self harm
 
daffy

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You do deserve to be happy and maybe this isn’t the best friendship for you if he can’t cope with your changing moods. I can see it from both sides as you know my daughter suffers with BPD and have had several angry outbursts from her for when I’ve said something that she disagreed with but I put up with it because I knew it wasn’t meant to deliberately hurt me, but it did hurt all the same. If he’s trained in MH he should be more understanding of what your going thru. Have you sat down and had a serious talk with him about your emotions and asked for his feeling on this and how it’s affecting him as well as yourself

I know your waiting for DBT , have you heard anything yet about when it may start

Daf:hug:
 
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dewey

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It isn't romantic, I'm still waiting to start DBT, but it sounds as if he's threatening to leave before I even have the chance to start it which I think is a bit unfair as I have no one else I can talk or open up too about anything

he says if I lash out one more time he's leaving, the only other way I know how to manage is to self harm
What does he mean by leave - does he mean No longer be present in your life? Is this guy a friend to you?

What would that do for you if he left? Would you feel like you had no one? Cause you do have people, on here at least. I hope you know that.

I know it's hard when someone's your favourite person, I've had favourite persons walk out of my life and shut me out and block me and make no contact with me ever again. But one thing it taught me is life goes on, even without these people we idealised in our heads.

You never know it might be a good thing if he walks out your life and you start therapy. Then you could start to discuss why you get attracted into these kinds of situations with your therapist and how to be more careful with who you choose to give your time to.

I know people get lonely, I do too, but I learnt it's bad to be lonely and desperate for any company, so much so that you give your time and energy to the wrong people who don't treat you right.

You can learn how to be more careful with who you let into your life.
 
Flameheart

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You do deserve to be happy and maybe this isn’t the best friendship for you if he can’t cope with your changing moods. I can see it from both sides as you know my daughter suffers with BPD and have had several angry outbursts from her for when I’ve said something that she disagreed with but I put up with it because I knew it wasn’t meant to deliberately hurt me, but it did hurt all the same. If he’s trained in MH he should be more understanding of what your going thru. Have you sat down and had a serious talk with him about your emotions and asked for his feeling on this and how it’s affecting him as well as yourself

I know your waiting for DBT , have you heard anything yet about when it may start

Daf:hug:
All he goes on about is how it affects him and I do understand, he doesn't like listening to my side of things, it's always about him and his emotions now, not mine

I don't know still when I'm starting DBT
 
Flameheart

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What would that do for you if he left? Would you feel like you had no one? Cause you do have people, on here at least. I hope you know that.
I would probably be suicidal, I don't have anyone else
 
daffy

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Oh sweetie I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere . You need someone that can love and support you thru good and bad. It’s not doing you any good having this upset. I seem to remember you said you weren’t on any medication, maybe you should rethink that to help with your moods.
Are you getting yourself out and meeting other people and have you thought about maybe getting back into education if you feel you could cope. It might be beneficial to you.
 
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dewey

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I would probably be suicidal, I don't have anyone else
Yeah, it's a scary thought to lose the one person you rely on. But so long as you can post on here, know that you have so many people that genuinely, truly care what happens to you and we want the best for you. I know what it feels like Flameheart. I want you to know that one day you're gonna be able to work through this.
It sucks to be on the edge of suicide but something is leaving you clinging on to life, still. You are strong and you are here, in spite of everything.
As Daffy said, it doesn't sound like this guy is the best of friends for you.
 
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Flameheart, I am going to say some things not to be mean at all, but to try to help you.

Your FP was just in hospital. It means he feels particularly vulnerable. And I think he just wants to both be heard and to hear you take ownership of your own actions.

It can’t be easy to have a friend who you love, but you never know what is going to set them off. One day you’re having tea and chatting, then the next moment you are being attacked.

Regardless of how you are feeling, you can’t lash out at people and not expect them to be hurt by that. They are not there to absorb your moods, but rather support you through them. There’s a difference.

I know you were proud that you didn’t lash out, and that is indeed progress. But it’s not a healthy friendship if you feel you can direct all your anger towards him and he just takes it. You need to take ownership of your moods and reactions and not direct them at him.

If you are still on a list for dbt, try to get to some one on one counselling. You need to find an outlet that is not him. And you need to give him a bit of time to recover and feel less vulnerable after his hospital visit.
 
Flameheart

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Flameheart, I am going to say some things not to be mean at all, but to try to help you.

Your FP was just in hospital. It means he feels particularly vulnerable. And I think he just wants to both be heard and to hear you take ownership of your own actions.

It can’t be easy to have a friend who you love, but you never know what is going to set them off. One day you’re having tea and chatting, then the next moment you are being attacked.

Regardless of how you are feeling, you can’t lash out at people and not expect them to be hurt by that. They are not there to absorb your moods, but rather support you through them. There’s a difference.

I know you were proud that you didn’t lash out, and that is indeed progress. But it’s not a healthy friendship if you feel you can direct all your anger towards him and he just takes it. You need to take ownership of your moods and reactions and not direct them at him.

If you are still on a list for dbt, try to get to some one on one counselling. You need to find an outlet that is not him. And you need to give him a bit of time to recover and feel less vulnerable after his hospital visit.
I've always taken ownership, but I'm not going to get better if I'm constantly being blamed and made to feel guilty about things over and over

He doesn't support me anymore anyway as whenever I make progress he always somehow finds reasons to make me feel bad about it
 
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Girl interupted

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Then perhaps he is adding to your illness and not helping it?

That will be a tough decision to come to, but at a certain point there are some people in our lives we are best walking away from in order to see any progress in our wellbeing.
 
Urban Hermit

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#1
I always feel so bad after conversations with him, even though I'm attached and idolise him

#2
I've said and done things in the past that I regret and have apologised for many times, but still years later I'm made to feel guilty about it all, like things that I did as young as 16 because he brings it up on an almost weekly basis and it brings me back to a dark place

#3
Even when I don't lash out at him for weeks/ months at a time, I'm still always made to feel like I've done something wrong or that any progress is never good enough

I only sent one message to him this week proudly saying that I've managed to not lash out at him for two weeks even though it was hard to, he responds saying that it's a crazy statement to make because there was no reason for me to lash out in the first place anyway, so I feel stupid and ashamed for ever sending it in the first place


#4
And just before that he sent a long one reciting about how I'm to blame for his suffering the past 3-4 years when there were no messages sent by me recently to initiate that sort of response

The past few months, the only issue has been my BPD episodes, I try to explain that when they get too intense that I can't control them, but he believes I lash out purposely to hurt him when it's more that I can't handle all the emotions / thoughts that wallow inside me much longer

#5
Even though he's the only person I open up too and he worked in mental health and said he studied BPD, I still feel so misunderstood and that I don't deserve to get better


#6
The past year or so I've just allowed the beating of his blaming me over and over because I know I deserve it, but it's gotten to the point I really can't take it any longer

I don't know how I'm supposed to act or be around him, at the moment I'm having to bottle everything up for his well being which I know eventually will be just as damaging in the long run so I don't know what to do, maybe I should just let it destroy me as I don't deserve to be happy
Hi I've numbered your first post so I can respond and hopefully help to make it clear what I'm referring to..

Point #1 - if you always feel bad after talking then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Point #2 - In my opinion a friend wouldn't keep on bringing back up something you may or may not have done wrong .. we all make mistakes (I've made loads) but once it's past a friend would want you to move on and not keep making you feel bad about it

Point #3 - It doesn't sound like he understands MH or you at very much, it's important to know the struggle and praise those things that you have to fight against..so from me well done !

Point #4 - No one should blame someone else for there suffering, if he felt that way he should have addressed the problem after 2-3 weeks not years

Point #5- This is going to sound mean and it isn't meant that way ... But are you sure he worked in MH and studied BPD, just it doesn't sound like he has much empathy for you illness

Point #6- You deserve to be happy and from my very limited view of things from what I've read this sounds like a toxic relationship, if this isn't a recent thing with him getting out of hospital and being unwell himself, if this has been on going for a while then it doesn't sound healthy for you xx

Just my two cents and I do hope that you find someone who will love and care for you and show you respect x
 
Flameheart

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its been going on for the past year, it isn't a recent thing

like I said the past few months I've been trying to make things better, but all my progress seems pointless
 
Flameheart

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he says he wants me to stop lashing out at him, but then tells me 1-2 weeks of not lashing out isn't good enough which makes me feel like all my effort means nothing so I relapse anyway
 
Flameheart

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I probably am in the wrong and he's right to make me feel guilty constantly about everything because I'm clearly a bad person, I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life
 
Lunus

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I probably am in the wrong and he's right to make me feel guilty constantly about everything because I'm clearly a bad person, I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life
If you keep the mindset that you are worthless, that you are a bad person and that you don’t matter, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy, you will attract people who will abuse your good nature and you will have a life of continued suffering. Get counselling, DBT or invest in some self help books. You have to start realising you ARE worthy and your life DOES matter. Invest in yourself and get rid of anybody that is negatively affecting your emotions. Imo you don’t need anyone like that in your life, they will eventually send you under.
 
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dewey

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I probably am in the wrong and he's right to make me feel guilty constantly about everything because I'm clearly a bad person, I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life
Well obviously that's not true.

You just struggle to control your emotions and can lash out.
 
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dewey

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If you keep the mindset that you are worthless, that you are a bad person and that you don’t matter, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy, you will attract people who will abuse your good nature and you will have a life of continued suffering. Get counselling, DBT or invest in some self help books. You have to start realising you ARE worthy and your life DOES matter. Invest in yourself and get rid of anybody that is negatively affecting your emotions. Imo you don’t need anyone like that in your life, they will eventually send you under.
I agree with Lunus 100%
 
Parayana

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Awesome post from @Lunus, he's talking some sense to you @Flameheart. 1-2 Weeks of not lashing out is progress. As for guilt about shit that happened in your teens, forget it - everyone makes stupid mistakes when they are young. I'm 50 in a few days time and wish I was 19 and knew what I know now. As Theravada Buddhist Master Ajahn Sumedho says - The past is a memoory, the future is uncertain all that matters is now.
 

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