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I think my boyfriend of 8 months has severe depression that he's tried to keep quiet



New member
Mar 18, 2019
Hi there,

This may be a long post but I feel like there are a lot of elements to my situation. A bit of background:

We met last summer when I was away for my birthday (I'm from 30 from UK he's 27 from Ireland). He spent the whole weekend with us practically, coming to and from where we were to see me. We stayed in touch and he first came to see me again after 3 weeks. It is a long distance relationship but we were seeing each other every 2-3 weeks for a few days at a time after that. He came over for a whole week at christmas. I am also a single mother to an 11 year old. He spent time with my son and we all did things together.

We spent a lot of time on the phone talking and texting. He always made me feel very loved and was always talking about our future and how he was willing to moving over. I have been hurt very badly in the past and this seemed so genuine and the effort he was making to fly over to me and see me, and how open he was about his feelings, made me feel secure. He met my family on numerous occasions and I met his parents when I went over to Ireland.

Since about January he was going quiet for short periods, a couple of days at a time, but always came back to me telling me how much he loved me and usually gave me a reason - even sometime she admitted it was because he needed some time to think. I accepted that because I know he was struggling with decision to move over, even though he told me thats what he wanted and he knew he wanted me and loved me more than anything.

We all went away, me him and my son a few weeks ago, and the trip was nice, he was his usual self, very affectionate and we had a great time. Everything was normal after that for a few days, we spent hours talking on the phone, and the day he went quiet he even sent me a screenshot of his phone with me as his background photo. He also forwarded on the first photo we had had together. His last message was that he loved me. And then silence for three weeks.

I obviously tried to call and text, but no reply and he didn't even read my messages until a whole week later. I contacted his mother to make sure nothing had happened to him, she wasn't very helpful and just said he had been working a lot. I tried not to contact him too much, but ended up with one last message last weekend just gone to say that I wished him the best and i understand that there was obviously something he was worried about and he didn't want to talk to me about it.

He did eventually get back in touch at 3am thursday morning. I woke up friday with about 10 messages telling me how he sorry he was and how much he loved me and how amazing I am etc etc, he said he had had a melt down something had just flipped inside him and he fell apart. He hadn't been going to work or seeing his family. He said he had so many emotions and hatred bottled up and he just broke apart but doesn't know exactly why.

I tried to get him to call me, and these kind of messages have been going back and forth over the weekend. Mostly him saying he hates himself and he's so sorry. I have encouraged him to call me but he won't, I don't think he can face it. He's been quiet again since saturday night. I got upset yesterday and sent him a message saying that he shouldn't be treating me like this and messing me around. I realised this isn't the best way to deal with this and so I sent another this morning telling him all the good things about himself that I loved to try and just tried him some hope and positivity that he could get through this and that I am here for him should he want to call me.

I am just struggling with the lack of communication. He is in another country as well which makes it ten times harder. I don't want to give up on him in a crisis and I am just trying to make sure he knows I am here but I know I can't force him to communicate so I almost have to half move on and carry on as normal but let him know I am here. I don't think his family helps. I'm worried about him over there. he did say he had been to a counsellor on saturday though, so i hope he keeps going. I am worried he's just going to drink himself into oblivion to cope though in the meantime.

I just want some advice how to deal with this and also to help me understand whats probably going on in his head. I feel like if I can understand it I can help him more. I do believe he genuinely loves me.




Im sorry to hear this have you told him to contact any mental health charities like: CALM, Mind or samartians they are all there to help when you feel low, i have used them many times and i also had a breakdown and im still going through it now, not going to work can be caused by a number of things e.g anixety/depression/phobias. Maybe if he spoke to someone about his problems this would help? Also be there for him i know you already are but make sure hes ok and reassure him :) be understanding of his problems and listen, because nobody understand what its like living with mental health its like living in hell its a hard joruney. If you need me im here hope this has helped