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I think my boyfriend may have depression or bi polar but refuses to talk to anyone or see a doctor

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Nikki_

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
2
I think my boyfriend may have depression or bi polar but refuses to talk to anyone or see a doctor

Hi,

I was hoping someone could shed some light for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 months and were seeing each other for a couple of months before that.
When we met I was aware that he always seemed down and he told me he had anxiety issues. His parents are divorced and he has felt unwanted by both of them for various reasons (not because of the divorce). He was very promiscuous in person and also online, often finding girls (and being approached by girls) to do things for each other on webcams. He has told me that he doing this made him feel wanted. He was still doing this after we began seeing each other even though he promised he had stopped. He maintains that since we became "official" he has not done this stuff apart from when we have broken up for very short periods of time.

From his first visit to my home he began to feel very comfortable and accepted (his mum and step dad are very judgemental and fairly close minded, they did not want him to be himself and were very controlling with how he looked etc). He said that my home was the only place he could be himself. At that point we only saw each other at weekends because of distance. He became quite clingy quite quickly. He told me he wanted me to need him.
Sometimes he would feel down about something and decide that a relationship was not right for him. This would always come as a shock because he was the clingy one. He was the one that made my friends and family feel uncomfortable because of the constant hand holding, hugs and kisses when we were all out together. He texts all throughout the day, even if he has nothing to say; he'll send a heart or something. Anyway 3 times this happened - him ending it with me. Although I was heartbroken each time and at first begged him to change his mind, when he made it clear his mind was made up i'd stop asking. Although he would still tell me he couldn't be happy anywhere other than my house etc and each time we got back together it was him that came back to me. Anyway, after the last time (which was end of feb/beginning of march) we decided to move in together. He found a job in London, I was already working in London and commuting almost 5 hours a day so it made sense to live together. He told me all he wanted was a life with me in London. He always loved London and visited a lot. So in June we found a room to rent. Up until a few months ago we would argue a lot about the same subject - him messing me around at the beginning and always needing the attention from other girls even when he had me (I mean I even woke up to him in my bed performing a certain act on himself whilst sexting another girl.. that night had been the first night i'd turned down sex with him because I'd seen him screenshotting skimpy pics of other girls.. then I woke up to that) but recently i've become so much better. A lot of these girls have a large following online and would constantly pop up on my screen on social media even though I do not follow them. That used to mess with my head a lot but now I find myself scrolling past and not thinking about it for days and letting it make me sad. Its a huge improvement.
So now we have this life in London and everything was okay. But then he started to want sex less. He said its because he'd been working so much and was tired, however he never used to be able to sit still unless he been relieved at least once that day and now he could easily go over a week. Seemed odd and made me feel like its me.
We did used to argue a lot about what he used to do. We had a lot of conversations that went late in to the night but he said he loved me and only wanted me.

Recently he has talked about travelling a lot. He wants to go travelling. At first I said I couldn't. He can do his job anywhere but my job is quite specialist and I can't leave mine as it took me a long time to get it and I don't want to give it up because I am not trained to do anything else and wouldnt ever earn the same wages doing something else. This caused a big problem because he decided he wanted that more than me. But the company I work for are very flexible and I could take long extended periods of unpaid leave in order to travel. So we planned it and talked about saving but hes now saying he wants to live in Australia. I don't. I'd go for a holiday but I have never even been. I am not going to pack up and leave my family to live on the other side of the world. And the thing is he has never been there either. It's so illogical. All he wanted 8 months ago was to live in london with me and now he has that he wants something else because it isn't perfect. He wants to be the best of his industry immediately and if he cant then he must not be good enough and is crap and pointless. Yet he thinks if he moves there he wont care what job he does and he'd work in a bar or something (considering he doesn't drink much and doesn't like being around people that are drunk how is he going to handle that?! He was telling me about how annoying it was that a tipsy guy was trying to chat to him on the station platform the other day and about how annoying it is when drunk people come to his work on a saturday night). At least with London he visited a lot, knew what it was like, how expensive it was etc. what if he up and moves and ends up hating it? When I ask him why he wants this, what there is in Aus for him he can't answer me. He has no idea.

Now when we have a disagreement - it could be a small little thing or something bigger, he turns it into something else and starts his whole "I don't know if this is right, I don't know how I feel anymore" etc. We'll talk it out, he decides to give it another go. Then when he's feeling okay and happy he constantly tells me he loves me and when I say I love you to he responds with either: how much? why? are you sure? Or he will simply say "good". He craves affection and wants me to pay attention to him a lot. And he can literally go from feeling like that towards me and constantly saying how much he loves me, he shows pictures of me to customers and people at work and tells them about me to him not sure how he feels or if it's right because somethings made him feel down. He can't just feel rubbish about one thing, it seems to affect everything. He starts to questions everything. Last night it came from nowhere, one minute he was fine and the next minute there was a change. He denied it but I knew something was up. In the end he said he just feels hollow and shit. and odd. I asked if he felt that way about us and after a pause he said it was everything. When I asked if he wants to be with me he huffed and rolled his eyes saying "yes" in an irritated tone. Whenever I speak about my feelings he rolls his eyes, checks the time, mutters under his breath. I feel like how I feel doesn't matter and he wants to be able to do and say things as he pleases and I should put up with it.

He is so different from one day to the next, to extremes. Loving me so much and completely to then questioning his feelings for me or if we should be together. I do everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, washing, putting his clothes away, I pay for almost everything because I earn more. I accept him, I do things I don't always want to because it makes him happy, he can be himself with me. I am not judgemental, i'm very accepting and that is necessary with someone like him. My friends have all told me they would have given up a long time ago and I couldn't possibly give or do anymore than I have.

He seems to think if he does these things and goes to these places with or without me (depending on his mood) that everything will be better. But if he isn't well then he needs help. He thought all he wanted was London and me and now thats changed. It'll always change, nothing will fix it if he doesn't get the help he needs. Or am I wrong?
He refuses to talk to anyone or get help. He says he doesn't want medication because it's "fake happiness" but the way I see it is when he has a headache or a tooth ache or some kind of physical pain then he takes pills to feel better. He doesn't consider that fake health. I see an illness in his mind as no different. I feel like i'm not worth trying for. I don't know what to do anymore. I want security, I want to know that I can say how I feel without him threatening to leave or something. I want him. I love him more than anything.

I'm sorry this is so long. I don't know whats relevant and what isn't. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone here? I feel so stuck. Please help me :'(
 
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Verity

Guest
Hi Nikki,

Firstly, welcome:welcome:

I'm so sorry to hear that you are being treated so badly by your partner. You really don't deserve it.

Your relationship seems to be very one sided. You do all the giving and he takes. Your partner is emotionally abusive, emotionally demanding and very self - centred. He has also broken your trust in the most undignified way by 'sexting' other women and masturbating while you were lying in bed next to him.

This man's needs seem to take priority over everyone and everything else.

Your partner has to want to change. Right now, he has no motivation to do so as all of his needs are being met.

If I were you, the questions that I would be considering are do I deserve to be treated this way? Is this relationship supporting / conducive to the life that I want for myself?

Prioritise your own well being at all costs and maintain your friendships. Real love is built on trust, compromise, and mutual care.

I wish you the very best. Take care, Nikki.

Verity x
 

MarlieeB

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Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
:welcome: to the forum.

Of course we aren't Doctors on here so can't say 100% what he may or may not have.

What screams out to me personally is some Bipolar ways, having new ideas, mood changes etc. It could of course be one of many things, that is what stands out for me personally.

I think the rejection that he has had and still seems to have by not being able to be himself in front of certain family members have really affected him and he must of had a kinda dream as to who he has always wanted to be and now he has found someone who accepts the person who he actually is he wants to live out that dream but if that dream doesn't go to what he believes is the perfect way his dream gets bigger.

I think that at the start of your relationship he didn't actually believe that someone could want him for the person he was so he retreated into himself as such by watching those girls online etc but the more and more he has seen that you do indeed accept him all that attention he gave those girls he is now giving to you.

About the clingyness.... I can see that it can be overbearing and maybe he needs to be told this. If he hasn't been accepted for the person he is from family he may not know how to behave because he has never experienced it.

I would try and have a nice calm sit down with him, when he is having a good day. Set some ground rules and remind him during the conversation that happens that you love him and you aren't trying to change him etc.

I hope that all makes sense?

Marliee x
 
N

Nikki_

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
2
Hi Nikki,

Firstly, welcome:welcome:

I'm so sorry to hear that you are being treated so badly by your partner. You really don't deserve it.

Your relationship seems to be very one sided. You do all the giving and he takes. Your partner is emotionally abusive, emotionally demanding and very self - centred. He has also broken your trust in the most undignified way by 'sexting' other women and masturbating while you were lying in bed next to him.

This man's needs seem to take priority over everyone and everything else.

Your partner has to want to change. Right now, he has no motivation to do so as all of his needs are being met.

If I were you, the questions that I would be considering are do I deserve to be treated this way? Is this relationship supporting / conducive to the life that I want for myself?

Prioritise your own well being at all costs and maintain your friendships. Real love is built on trust, compromise, and mutual care.

I wish you the very best. Take care, Nikki.

Verity x
Thank you for the welcome and for your kind words. I teared up just reading them. I know that everything you said was correct but I stay because I am in love with him.

I didn't mention that as a teenager I didn't talk about my feelings and used to self harm. I managed not to for a few years but have done it a few times since being with my boyfriend. He told me if I do it again he will leave me. But at the same time I feel like I cannot speak to him because of his reaction.

He has also been saying he thinks he moved in with me too soon and misses time on his own as we are "constantly together". We are not. We both work full time, I work 8-4 mon-fri and he works all kinds of hours including weekends. So often his days off will be during the week and he has all day to himself. Also we both visit our families together but also separately and at those time we'll often have 3 days away from each other. Yet when I offer to find somewhere else to stay one night a week or to go out without him so he has an evening alone he says no.
He also hates shopping but will willingly come with me, then complain the whole time. When I say don't bother coming he then says but I want to be able to come with you. He chops and changes. It's ridiculous.

I want him to get help because I want him to be happy. I want us to have a life together. When he is okay he is so loving towards me, he wants reassurance that he has me and my love, then the next day.. who knows?

I may talk to him tonight and say if he refuses to get help then I'm done. But I don't know how true that is, if i'm honest. I love him.
:welcome: to the forum.

Of course we aren't Doctors on here so can't say 100% what he may or may not have.

What screams out to me personally is some Bipolar ways, having new ideas, mood changes etc. It could of course be one of many things, that is what stands out for me personally.

I think the rejection that he has had and still seems to have by not being able to be himself in front of certain family members have really affected him and he must of had a kinda dream as to who he has always wanted to be and now he has found someone who accepts the person who he actually is he wants to live out that dream but if that dream doesn't go to what he believes is the perfect way his dream gets bigger.

I think that at the start of your relationship he didn't actually believe that someone could want him for the person he was so he retreated into himself as such by watching those girls online etc but the more and more he has seen that you do indeed accept him all that attention he gave those girls he is now giving to you.

About the clingyness.... I can see that it can be overbearing and maybe he needs to be told this. If he hasn't been accepted for the person he is from family he may not know how to behave because he has never experienced it.

I would try and have a nice calm sit down with him, when he is having a good day. Set some ground rules and remind him during the conversation that happens that you love him and you aren't trying to change him etc.

I hope that all makes sense?

Marliee x
Thank you for your reply. You totally make sense and make some great points.
The problem with bringing it up on a good day is that he wont want to talk about it and if he agrees to he won't be feeling good for long. His mood will change and he will again question everything. I feel like he can't think clearly. He needs some help.
 
V

Verity

Guest
Thank you for the welcome and for your kind words. I teared up just reading them. I know that everything you said was correct but I stay because I am in love with him.

I didn't mention that as a teenager I didn't talk about my feelings and used to self harm. I managed not to for a few years but have done it a few times since being with my boyfriend. He told me if I do it again he will leave me. But at the same time I feel like I cannot speak to him because of his reaction.

He has also been saying he thinks he moved in with me too soon and misses time on his own as we are "constantly together". We are not. We both work full time, I work 8-4 mon-fri and he works all kinds of hours including weekends. So often his days off will be during the week and he has all day to himself. Also we both visit our families together but also separately and at those time we'll often have 3 days away from each other. Yet when I offer to find somewhere else to stay one night a week or to go out without him so he has an evening alone he says no.
He also hates shopping but will willingly come with me, then complain the whole time. When I say don't bother coming he then says but I want to be able to come with you. He chops and changes. It's ridiculous.

I want him to get help because I want him to be happy. I want us to have a life together. When he is okay he is so loving towards me, he wants reassurance that he has me and my love, then the next day.. who knows?

I may talk to him tonight and say if he refuses to get help then I'm done. But I don't know how true that is, if i'm honest. I love him.
Hi again, Nikki :hug1:

I understand that you love him. You sound like a very loving & giving person. Some people do take advantage unfortunately.

Your partner expects and receives so much support from you, but when you are in crisis he threatens to walk away. His behaviour is controlling and totally non supportive of your needs.

Your partner's alternating between clinging and pushing you away is very damaging to your emotional / mental health and sense of self worth and confidence.

He puts you in a no win situation time and time again. I doubt that anything that you do you feel is right because of his reaction. You mustn't know whether you are coming or going. This must be very stressful for you:hug:

I agree that your boyfriend needs help, but not at the cost of your health.

I would suggest that you suggest that he moves out and you both have enough distance to have your own space and work on the relationship if that is what you both want to do.

If your partner has no motivation to change, his manipulation and current bad behaviour will continue to be the flip side of his good moods as part and parcel of a relationship with him.

Please consider your own needs and well being. The longer difficult relationships continue, the more entrenched behaviour patterns can become and it becomes much more difficult to disentangle yourself from and leave. A lot of damage can result from such relationships.

Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

Verity x
 
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