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I think it's time

MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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I think it's time for me to admit defeat and stop fighting the illness.

While I'm not suicidal or have any plans to harm myself in any way and I truly mean that.

I have that intrusive thought, which is still there.

The Dissociation.

It's hitting my energy levels, I even slept for 20 hours yesterday and when I forced myself to get up it took all the strength I had.

I'm thinking that maybe going back to work was a bad idea. I do enjoy it while I'm there and since I moved departments it is so much better but I spend my nights off shattered and I'm only working three nights a week at the moment but I have six weeks of my return to work program left till I have to go full time again and at the moment, I don't think I can do that but if I don't I lose my independence.

This does feel different though. I am getting thoughts and visions of harming myself but I know 100% that I'm not going to.

I've tried to do everything slowly, I'm not rushing anything.

But soon enough my fight may go.

I'm in such a better head space though if you think about it, 3 months ago I would not of coped with this at all, I would be posting all kinds of horrible things, oding.

So is it that I have found a better way of coping or is this something different?

I'm also spending loads of money, even today I have spent so much money on random crap.

It does seem weird though, a little confusing.

Like this post most likely lol.

I'm better at looking after myself on here than I used to be. I take a step back when needed, like I have the past couple of days, I don't go into PM convo's and upset myself trying to help so I know I am in a better headspace.

Ok, enough of these very random typings.
 
T

Taffy

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You are a brilliant person, wish I could take this all away for you. Sorry cant type much as just made it on here after trying for hours and its slow typing stuff.
Will catch up soon when things working properly again.
Stay safe, love you dear friend xxx
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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It'll take time to adjust back to routine, you'll get there :) I am and I'm not looking forward to my turn. I hope you don't give in to the thoughts x
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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I care, and i thank you for being here for me x.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I really care.
I've been replying to as much as I can on the forum and have been working from the bottom of the page up, meaning i've only just got to make a reply to your post properly. Pretty lame reason, but it's definitely not because I don't care. :hug1:

Is the dissociation a new thing for you? I mean have you been ok and it's just come back recently?
I don't know about you but I know dissociation is a sign that i'm heading down.. it might not be the same for you as I said, but it's definitely important to keep an eye on things.
Also, is it usual for it to make you so tired? If not, it might be worth seeing the GP just to check there's nothing else going on.

Is the back to work a job centre thing or just a scheme that's at your work?
Also does losing your independence mean you won't be able to live alone?
Sorry to ask so many questions. Don't answer them now if you don't feel up for it.

Sending hugs your way, anyway. x
 

MarlieeB

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I really care.
I've been replying to as much as I can on the forum and have been working from the bottom of the page up, meaning i've only just got to make a reply to your post properly. Pretty lame reason, but it's definitely not because I don't care. :hug1:

Is the dissociation a new thing for you? I mean have you been ok and it's just come back recently?
I don't know about you but I know dissociation is a sign that i'm heading down.. it might not be the same for you as I said, but it's definitely important to keep an eye on things.
Also, is it usual for it to make you so tired? If not, it might be worth seeing the GP just to check there's nothing else going on.

Is the back to work a job centre thing or just a scheme that's at your work?
Also does losing your independence mean you won't be able to live alone?
Sorry to ask so many questions. Don't answer them now if you don't feel up for it.

Sending hugs your way, anyway. x
No, dissociation isn't new but it only usually happens when I am completely and utterly suicidal

I go through stages of sleeping a lot but I think it's cause of work. Not usually this bad though The return to work is for my work

Yes it means not living alone

It's hard staying quiet on here lately since a comment was made to me via pm which was untrue.

Don't know

Head in a mess to be honest

But the way is different
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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It must feel odd then that you're going through this but without the suicidal intent. :unsure:
Is it possible to talk to someone at work and explain that you might need more time to adjust again?
I know it's a bit late at night now/early morning to be thinking too much, but if there's anything that might help take the pressure off at work then it's definitely worth doing.

Also, i'm sorry a comment was made to you via PM. Obviously I don't know the details but can understand it's hard not to let it affect you.

Get as much rest and relaxation as possible, if you can. :hug1:
 

MarlieeB

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No, 12 weeks is the max they can give including the holiday time in it. I think I'm in week 7 now. Dunno.

I just want to know what the hell is going on with my brain and why it's doing this.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Do you keep a diary at all?
I know sometimes the last thing you want to do is 'write down your feelings' (what a cliché..) but sometimes I find that something incredibly subtle has triggered something deeper and it's not until I reflect that I realise I was even triggered in the first place.

Anywho, i've just caught sight of the time. :scared:
I'm going offline now to try and get a bit of sleep.. I hope that you'll be ok and try to think on if there's anything you can do, no matter how small, to make things a bit easier for yourself - especially if you're feeling knackered out. xx
 
rubyrose

rubyrose

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I hope you get relief soon from the feelings/thoughts that are troubling you. I do care, very much. :hug1:
 
W

Waverunner

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Feb 1, 2015
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Hope you are okay Marliee. Is it not possible to get a medical certificated from your GP for amended duties. I have one and I am in month 4 of it and looking like I'm going to need longer. You are covered by law so they have to make reasonable adjustments. I think it's worth a try.
 
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