- Jan 3, 2015
About a year ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, situational depression, a depersonalizarion disorder, a derealization disorder, and PTSD at around the same time. The anxiety began to manifest itself physically,having night terrors and obsessively washing my hands. I stopped going to school middway through second semester, and then transferred. At the end of the year, I transferred again. The depersonalization and derealization led to me seeing the world as just a sea of shifting pixels, and I still sometimes cannot recognize myself as being me when I look in the mirror. Especially if I am caught unaware by a reflective surface I often think of it as an entirely different person who is copying me. I've been having mild visual hallucinations since about this past July, including visual snow, shifting geometric patterns over surfaces, and ticks and movements and even faces flitting around in my peripheral vision. After transferring to my third school in the past year, I began to do alright socially and my anxiety seemed to fix itself. My parents refused to have me medicated even when I was having daily panic attacks and was harming myself unintentionally, as they believe that medication destroys one's natural coping process. As of a little bit less than a month ago, I started hearing things. The first time it happpened I was laying in bed at night, and I had a whispered conversation with a man who's voice seemed to be coming from either directly next to my ear or from the very base of my skull. There was white noise in the background of this communication, and his speech eventually became so jumbled I could not interpret it. The next day at the bus stop I heard the man call my name, and say "where are you," I had headphones in and my music was turned up very loudly. yet the voice was clear as day. I hear footsteps a fair amount, pretty sporadically, or rushed conversations that are jumbled, usually in the voices of two women that sound as if they are coming from a distance. During my math final a boys voice whispered from directly behind me "two ways, I wanna" and was abruptly cut off. I hear different voices calling my name. I have become increasingly anti-social and paranoid about my social standing, as well as being around strangers or in any social setting at all, which is starting to eerily mirror the beginning of my anxiety. My appetite has decreased. My mood seems to fluctuate from incredibly low lows to incredibly high highs, completely unprovoked. My therapist thinks that I am going through the early stages of psychosis, rooted in drug abuse, sexual trauma, and depression. I don't know what to do. I think I'm going crazy. What were other people's early experiences with psychosis?
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