I think I really am a terrible person

R

rr1381

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#1
Hi, I always thought I was a reasonably nice and caring person. Apparently thou according to a friend I sexually harassed him and that’s why he always hits on me. I don’t have casual sex because it’s one of my values and I had told him that many tines yet he still asks if he can sleep with me casually?
Now that I think about it I do remember that I hug him and I often muck around with my male friends in a boisterous manner. Obviously this coming across as sexual harassment.
So I’ve come to the conclusion despite the fact I thought I was getting better at respecting other people and treated people kindly that I’m actually a really scummy person who doesn’t respect people. I’m feeling really depressed and don’t know what to do anymore. As hard as I try I’m not a good friend or even girlfriend. My ex started hating me after I said I wouldn’t move states for him as my support network was here and my friends. We had already discussed it and he kept bringing it up so I got mad. After I got mad I said I was an awful person and the whole fight was my fault. He got mad at me about that as well. Then every tine I tried discussing anything with him after that the way I’ve learnt with DBT he would say oh your just being borderline!
I really feel suicidal as I just don’t think I’m ever gonna improve and that I’m inherently an awful person no wonder no one can love me if what my friend said was true.
 
T

Tabby 88

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#2
If you are flirty with men, it is not your fault. It would have been something you had learnt or you would not have learnt to act in a way that would not invite requests for being a fu.. buddy. I am glad to hear that goes against your morals. For some people, it is up to them and maybe what they want, but for me and you, it is not how we want to be. You should be proud of that.

You do need to stop flirting though. As you go through life you will notice things about yourself that you do not like. I am at a point where there are too many things i don't like about myself. Things that i wish i had recognised sooner because now i am full of shame. Flirting is one thing i feel ashamed of. I know i am a different person now but i still regret severly, that so many people know that version of me, even if now i am better.

The 'friend' who is asking you very rudely to lay back and let him relieve himself whenever he fancies it. is not a friend and you should be clear that if he continues, you will not see him any more. You can explain that you might have been suggestive in the past but that is not who you want to be and are working on being a better person.

The boyfriend who got mad because you would not move for him. It is a good reason for you to stay where you live, because of your support network. I wonder if you had been telling him yes, no, maybe, yes, no, rather than an outright answer? Maybe you confused him and so he got mad. I don't know what happened but you could try a long distance relationship or arrange to meet once a month between where you both live (not one person doing all the running) and see how that goes. Maybe you need more time to think.

:hug:
 
R

rr1381

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#3
Um apparently giving a male friend a hug is flirting now is it?
Also just because a woman flirts with someone how is it that means I want to be his fuck buddy? Or have sex? Kinda like accusing a rape victim of being raped because of what she is wearing. Maybe I liked him as a person and wanted to date him when I flirted with him ? As he had said he didn’t want to date me I did stop flirting with him just gave him the occasional hug hello or goodbye? I had also stated several times my boundaries that if we didn’t date I would not have sex with him.
I even told him to stop messaging me that he wanted sex and explained I didn’t want to be his fuck buddy and didn’t have contact with him for 9 months because of it.
The last time I saw him I didn’t touch him, had a brief conversation with him about what he’d been up to and that apparently meant he should kiss me? And once again try having sex with me.
There actually isn’t anything wrong with flirting if you like a person and are on a date with them. That was the only time I flirted You shouldn’t be ashamed of that. U might need to realise that flirting doesn’t mean you have to let them cross your boundaries u can say no to sex.
Kissing someone also doesn’t necessarily mean I have to have sex with them either. Your answer has just made me realise I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s basically using the excuse date rapists use to excuse his terrible behaviour.
 
G

Girl interupted

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#4
No means no. Period.

From what you describe, this is on him, not you.

Find better friends. Seriously.
 
Tired Daisy

Tired Daisy

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#6
Um apparently giving a male friend a hug is flirting now is it?
Also just because a woman flirts with someone how is it that means I want to be his fuck buddy? Or have sex? Kinda like accusing a rape victim of being raped because of what she is wearing. Maybe I liked him as a person and wanted to date him when I flirted with him ? As he had said he didn’t want to date me I did stop flirting with him just gave him the occasional hug hello or goodbye? I had also stated several times my boundaries that if we didn’t date I would not have sex with him.
I even told him to stop messaging me that he wanted sex and explained I didn’t want to be his fuck buddy and didn’t have contact with him for 9 months because of it.
The last time I saw him I didn’t touch him, had a brief conversation with him about what he’d been up to and that apparently meant he should kiss me? And once again try having sex with me.
There actually isn’t anything wrong with flirting if you like a person and are on a date with them. That was the only time I flirted You shouldn’t be ashamed of that. U might need to realise that flirting doesn’t mean you have to let them cross your boundaries u can say no to sex.
Kissing someone also doesn’t necessarily mean I have to have sex with them either. Your answer has just made me realise I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s basically using the excuse date rapists use to excuse his terrible behaviour.
Its simple don't flirt with them then you won't have guys getting the impression that you like them.
 
socalpoppy

socalpoppy

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#7
Wow, a lot of things going on in this thread. Are the guys you are boisterous around actually using the term sexual harassment? I think of sexual harassment and flirting as very different things. I see sexual harassment as being demeaning and thinking of another person solely as a possible sex partner, as if their ability to have sex was the most important thing about them. Flirting seems more like letting someone else know that you are interested in knowing them better, not that you want to jump in the sack. But, of course, I'm old. Flirting may be very different these days.

Wanting to sleep with someone because they sexually harassed them seems very, very strange to me, meaning HE is strange, not YOU.

I don't know much about borderline personality disorder. Does it make it difficult to make new friends? Is this guy a part of a large group that you don't want to cut ties with?

I can't imagine that you are a scummy, terrible person, rr. What I see in your post is:
You have moral standards that you plan keep.
You are frustrated with a friend that keeps asking you to ignore your moral standards.
You are smart to not move to another state for a boyfriend.

I bet you could make a much longer list of your positive qualities. What do you think about making one and keeping it in your pocket to look at when you're feeling depressed?
 
H

harsh-reality

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#9
This is harsh - telling someone not to flirt is not right..

Lots of people enjoy flirting - if the person on the end of the flirting thinks it means something else - perhaps with that particular person don't flirt particularly if they have some interest.

But to tell someone just don't flirt - I don't agree with that advice. Flirting can be fun - its possible there maybe some kind of connection - but if one of parties is confused by the interactions then as long as both know where they stand - no harm done.

As others said flirting doesn't mean - I want you - it may if both parties single and looking - well I would think that would potentially show interest but if any other scenario and both enjoy it no harm done either and a bit of a giggle.

But crikey no I would say nowt wrong with what you are doing - only difficulty would be if the other person felt it meant something more - so as long as both knew that was it and just gentle fun then all well and good.

But why you classify yourself as scummy because of that - you not done anything wrong at all - myself I would view it as harmless fun - I would be flattered myself - but I can understand also how some may view it as interest....

But the ex boyfriend and the friend they both been very unkind to you - its not the other way around - quite right to not up sticks if he not the one ie you got lot ties to where you live and he was not right in his rudeness towards you.

The other guy - sounds bit of a wotsit - its not your fault he is assuming you want to get friendly with him - he should accept your wishes and move on...

I hope you can realise its more about these two men than anything to do with yourself...


Years ago I was besotted with a work colleague - she was with someone and she did flirt big time but on several occasions she said she was not interested - perhaps she should not have been so overflirty with me but there was a little bit of a connection and it was nearly happening but she then chose her boyfriend so although there was a lot of flirting there was bit connection both ways but not enough.

We ended up friends for a while but it didn't really work and the friendship fizzled out. I was interested - she wasn't but it wasn't me pushing for more physical relationship - there was an emotional connection both ways to start with.

Lots of people flirt and there is nowt wrong with it at all. It can be misread on occasions between different parties. I hug women friends - some are single - some are with partners - I don't flirt as much as I used to - but maybe bit older now - and got out habit.

I think you are being amazingly hard on yourself.

I think some of the comments - don't flirt have come across as a little unkind also.

Everyone is different - some people only flirt with people they interested in - some people flirt with a lot of people just because they enjoy it - but flirting doesn't necessarily at all mean someone is interested in someone else - and as long as both parties know this - there is nowt wrong at all.

I think your ex and your "friend" have acted badly - not you - they have chosen words to hurt - but no please you are fine.

I enjoy hugging friends - its nice - I would think someone not very experienced may see it as interest - but if its who you are then theres nothing wrong with it in anyways whatsoever....

Sounds like though you have made some bad choices so far in "friends or boyfriend" so guessing just take it as a lesson learned and hopefully you can hang around with men who have a great deal respect for you without them lashing out because you not given them what they feel you are offering.

Basically please don't allow manipulators to give yourself a flase image of who you are...
 
R

rr1381

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#11
In answer to this. I like the guy and would have liked to have a committed relationship with this guy. Flirting is a part of dating and we went on a couple of dates.
Only he said he only wants sex which is fine for him but not for me. I stopped flirting with him when he said that to me. He is aware of the fact I prefer to have sex with people I’m in a committed relationship with I have made that very clear. He still sends me text msgs about possibly “fucking”
We run in the same friendship circle. In which it is custom to give a friendly hug hello or good bye that is the only thing I do in terms of touching with him. So I don’t understand why he gets the idea I would be his “fuck buddy”
And when I once again made it clear I wouldn’t have sex if we were not in a committed relationship he got angry and said I was the one sexually harassing him.
Hope that clarifies the situation a bit more.
 
R

rr1381

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#12
Maybe you need to do some DBT and learn how to communicate without being abusive? I felt you were being rather rude in your first comment as well. Extremely judgmental actually.
 
R

rr1381

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#13
I don’t remember flirting with him unless u count the two dates we went on. And a couple of hugs. It’s not that I dislike him I do actually like him.
Why doesn’t anyone understand the concept that just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to be their fuck buddy if that’s all they want? I have a value of only sleeping with a person once in a committed relationship and the man in question knows this. Hence why we stopped dating we wanted different things he said he could never have a traditional commitment relationship with me I could only be his fuck buddy. I told him my views and said I couldn’t be his fuck buddy. So therefore if it was me on his side of the fence I’d respect the other persons views that they didn’t want to be a fuck buddy and stop asking to have sex with them. No matter how many times I tell him no he still pesters me. Then says I’m sexually harassing him when I question his behaviour. It’s his excuse for why he doesn’t respect my boundaries.
 
R

rr1381

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#14
Yeah I agree with your point of view on sexual harassment. In fact he is sexually harassing me. He knows my views about having casual sex and is not willing to have a committed relationship with me. I don’t have sex outside committed relationships. He says he can’t have feelings for me that he could only fuck me. That is the only value he sees in me apparently. Yet he still keeps trying to have sex with me including sending me perverse text msgs at 4am.
 
H

harsh-reality

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#15
He sounds unwell himself - ie sending messages at 4.30am about what he wants - if he does not stop simply block his number to solve the issue and if you hang around in a group with him in it - simply pay him no attention at all - he will soon get the message.


If he doesn't say something to one of your other friends in the group as it sounds like you have kept quiet about it.


He obviously though is trying deflect the blame on yourself which is not correct given you have stated exactly where you stand on how he is trying to be with you etc...

I don't understand men like this though myself - yes I fancy women myself etc but never understand this kind of stance from a man - sounds like he should use an escort or something - because he must have no real respect for you from the way he is talking to you.

Hope this all clears up for you very soon though..
 
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R

rr1381

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#16
He sounds unwell himself - ie sending messages at 4.30am about what he wants - if he does not stop simply block his number to solve the issue and if you hang around in a group with him in it - simply pay him no attention at all - he will soon get the message.


If he doesn't say something to one of your other friends in the group as it sounds like you have kept quiet about it.


He obviously though is trying deflect the blame on yourself which is not correct given you have stated exactly where you stand on how he is trying to be with you etc...

I don't understand men like this though myself - yes I fancy women myself etc but never understand this kind of stance from a man - sounds like he should use an escort or something - because he must have no real respect for you from the way he is talking to you.

Hope this all clears up for you very soon though..
 
R

rr1381

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#17
Thank you so much. I really thought I was crazy. Your thoughts on this have made me feel much better about this situation.
I do think there is something going on with this guy.
Every time I’ve tried to point out that he is treating me like a prostiute he hasn’t seemed to understand this or have any compassions for how I feel about it.
He doesn’t seem to have empathy and passes the blame often onto me. I probably haven’t handled certain things in the best manner myself thou. I don’t want to be an arm chair psychologist but I’ve noticed he also says insulting things about his friends behind their back often and focuses very much on how people look as well as acts as though he’s superior to everyone else.
As the child of a woman with Narcissistic personality disorder I feel maybe he is displaying very similar traits to that disorder. He also refused to seek help dealing with issues that have arisen from his previous drug use. He doesn’t need it apparently ?
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

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#18
I've apparently led guys on without even knowing because the more im comfortable around male friends the more bubbly and playful I can be, but that doesn't mean I'm flirting :shrug:
 
socalpoppy

socalpoppy

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#19
Yeah I agree with your point of view on sexual harassment. In fact he is sexually harassing me. He knows my views about having casual sex and is not willing to have a committed relationship with me. I don’t have sex outside committed relationships. He says he can’t have feelings for me that he could only fuck me. That is the only value he sees in me apparently. Yet he still keeps trying to have sex with me including sending me perverse text msgs at 4am.
Exactly right! He is harassing you! You might consider taking screen shots of all of his texts to you to keep somewhere safe. You may need evidence of his harassment if he gets crazier. I am so sorry this is happening to you and I'm sorry it makes you think of your mother, too. Hurray that you got such great feedback!
 

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