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I think I have HPD; Does anyone display similar symptoms as me and what is your diagnosis?

R

Rani Hollow

New member
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Australia
Hello, I am not attempting to self diagnose (or maybe I am just a little), but I have a psychologist that I see regularly so if I make any self discoveries here I will share it there.
So, this year I have been reflecting truthfully on my actions. I have researched BPD, NPD, ASPD and SPD and while I resonated with parts of all 3 neither fit me quite right, however having discovered HPD I suspect this may be accurate. Here is why:
- I have been a liar my whole life. As a kid I did things I wasn’t allowed to (e.g make a Facebook account when I strictly was not allowed to, spent nearly $100 of my Mum’s money on an online game, go out drinking with friends as a teenager etc.) and when I got caught out I would come up with a big, extensive lie which honestly caused me heaps of anxiety and guilt, but I found it extremely difficult to be honest. I was in a relationship with my first serious bf which ended a few months ago and during our 9 month relationship I did things such as: for a 1 month period texted a guy who I had previously hooked up with once before I started dating my bf and yet I was downright obsessed with him although we hardly knew each other. I blocked him when me and my bf had a chat about it, however, I texted him again 3 months later when I saw him in public and couldn’t stop thinking about him. I tried to hold off doing it for 2 weeks and let the feelings fade but one night I impulsively texted him asking if he ever had feelings for me beyond sexual attraction. A few times I sexted with complete strangers online. Went and hung out with a male friend which was definitely off limits for reasons I won’t get into here, and lied about it. I confessed all of this to my boyfriend and we broke up for a few months. During our final months I once even accused my boyfriend of having narcissistic tendencies. I was definitely projecting, and I had started devaluing him in my mind but I knew it was wrong and from my memory I was kind to him most of the time, and up until recently he defined me as sweet. Before we got back together (May) I became obsessed with a different guy I had been chatting to from Tinder (who I hadn’t even met yet) and I absolutely could not curb my crush on him. I cut him off when me and my bf got back together, but I broke up with him again 1.5 months later kind of for reasons related to ROCD and I could not get the idea of the Tinder guy out of my head, and I texted him 3 days after me and my bf broke up. I suspect my ex found out about this and he hates me very much at this point and I don’t blame him, the whole thing Is really, really terrible and I hate myself for everything.
- I struggle a lot with social anxiety so I find it difficult to make female friends and most often only have interest in flirting with guys and getting attention from them, even if I know they are in a relationship or some kind of position where it’s just inappropriate.
- In high school I dated two of my friend’s exes.
- As mentioned before, I tend to develop incredibly obsessive crushes on guys I barely know and I read into small things so much and fantasise about us eventually coming together and being perfect for one another, and a lot of the time I genuinely believe this will happen to the point of pure delusion.
- I also have a tendency to get bored of people beyond the early, fun stages of a relationship/friendship and discard them from my life. I do honestly feel guilt and remorse about these things but I feel I suppress these emotions a lot because they’re really hard and shameful to deal with.
- I am definitely attention seeking. This sounds incredibly cruel and fucked up, because it is, but when a distant cousin of mine passed away a few years ago I posted an Instagram picture of the clouds with the caption: (Cousin’s initial) (d.o.d). My cousin had the same initial as a guy I was thoroughly obsessed with at the time and a large part of my intention to post this was so that people would question if, due to the caption, me and my crush had gotten into a relationship. I find it absolutely disgusting that I exploited such a thing in this way, and I want to disclose that I truly did grieve his death and it was a heart-breaking time. He was, however, very distant and I’d only see him once a year and we barely talked so I didn’t know him really at all, but yes what I did makes me feel disgusted with myself to this day.
I am new to this forum so I hope this post is appropriate, and again I am really sorry for the actions which I described, I know a lot of it is just disgusting and horrible. I am really committed to changing my ways and staying single for as long as I need to to do that, which I understand could even potentially be 10 years or more.
What I want to know is if any users here diagnosed with HPD could tell me if my behaviour is relatable to you, or any other disordered individual at all; I’m just trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. Thank you for reading.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2,914
Location
England
You are a person who is trying to get through life. You have a few problems and you are aware of them, and are on the path to sorting them out. We have all done things we wish we had not, that make us cringe, and it is all part of growing up.

I don't know much about personality disorders but from what i do know, there are many character traits that cover most people i know, especially when we were all younger. They describe many children and teenagers, their behaviours. Some of us take longer to grow up than others.

Be kind to yourself
Keep trying to be a better person
 
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