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I think I have BPD

N

NimRhali

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Florida
Disclaimer: I am not trying to self diagnose. I understand that this forum isn't meant for that. I just want some insight from those who have been diagnosed with BPD.

Why I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder:

I have engaged in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and I have a pattern of unstable relationships.


During my time in elementary school and all the way through high school, I have consistently felt as if my friends and family were going to abandon me. I would always ask them, “you love me, right? Are you going to leave me? How can I make you stay?”. When I began to feel as if my friends would rather not have me around, I would become consumed by the fear of being left behind. My mind would race with thoughts of being left out, even if it was something as simple as one friend staying over at another’s house for a sleepover, or one friend being invited to a stranger’s birthday and me not being able to tag along because I don’t know the other friend.

Currently, my closest friend and roommate, Britanie, is slowly being pushed away by my behavior. I completely understand why a person would want to distance themselves from someone who has explosive outbursts of anger, but I also become extremely distressed when she brings up the possibility of moving out on her own. My outbursts coincide with my own perception of her not caring enough or doing enough for me. One example is food. When we buy groceries, we always purchase enough food for the both of us, and it is a rule that one is not allowed to touch the other’s without permission. I normally eat up all of my food much faster than her, and when I do, I demand that she give me some of hers. She will calmly explain that this food belongs to her and that I shouldn’t have eaten up all of mine. I become extremely angry and question her as to why she would do this to me, and why she doesn’t care enough about me.

Arguments like this have happened an innumerable amount of times, and after each and every argument, I break down and cry and beg for forgiveness. I then go on to portray the “woe is me” attitude and begin to despise myself.

I have an unstable identity and a constantly-shifting sense of self.

I have changed my interests and vocational goals a multitude of times. I remember dedicating myself to musical theory and composition in high school when I joined orchestra. My entire life became music, and I wanted to be a music teacher. However, after months of this, almost instantly, every single piece of love I had for this hobby vanished, and I felt hollow, like nothing could make me happy. The same thing happened with visual art. I joined many art classes in school like sculpture, drawing, and cartooning. I worked my fingers to the bone painting and drawing many things, and I even had applied to Ringling for illustration and game design. Now, I can’t even bring myself to pick up a brush or a pencil and create something. It just bores me now.
The same thing has happened with wanting to be a lawyer, then doctor, then language teacher, then chemist, then medical researcher. I have an outstanding passion for something, and then, almost instantly, I have absolutely no interest in it.

This kind of behavior isn’t limited to vocational aspirations, as I have also experienced a need to constantly change the way I look, talk, and act to fit my own ever-fleeting desires of self image. I have no idea what my actual voice sounds like anymore because I have been trapped in a never-ending cycle of change

Those two are the main ones from the DSM-5 that I experience. I also experience a persistant feeling of hollowness and boredom. I am almost never satisfied with something and crave to find something new to enjoy.
I have also made suicidal gestures in the past, but have never self-harmed.
 
O

OVERnOVERagain

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Massachusetts
Self diagnosis is never a good thing . There's so many different types of mental illnesses I really think you should speak to a professional
 
N

NimRhali

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Florida
I am not going to comment except to say you should really see someone. The reason I won't comment is bc I don't condone self diagnosis. It can be dangerous n you really need to speak to a professional.
Thank you for responding. I am currently in the process of finding a mental health professional.
 
O

OVERnOVERagain

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Massachusetts
Thank you for responding. I am currently in the process of finding a mental health professional.
That's great! N there's my original post. I just got a new phone n have no idea what I did but my post disappeared .. that's why I posted another. Sry.

But I will say don't settle on the first therapist u call. Do your research n see who fits you best. I've been to my fair share n some of them were real winners. One wanted me to act out my feelings with dolls . I was a moody out of control, easily set off teenager n on my first visit she brought out these damn dolls. I stood up said "nope" walked out into the waiting room n told my dad is meet him in the car. I hadn't even been there 5 min n crazy lady was following me telling me to stop w those damn dolls. Ugh
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
743
Hey friend, sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time! You know you could have elements of various personality disorders some people have aspects of different bits and bobs dependent personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder there’s loads but as you said the best person to speak to is a mental health professional, also what’s good about your post is you recognise the negative behaviour and why it’s causing that reaction which means if you can identify it you can definitely treat it with help!

sometimes I do stuff and I don’t realise I’m doing it like it was an instinctive reaction so for example I remember having an argument with my mum who I adored and loved more than anyone and she loved me Massively as mums do! and She always worried about me coz i was very sick when I was little I had a brain tumour and meningitis twice to me she was the epitome of perfect and she said I’m not talking to you anymore and left the room And I instantly felt heartbroken and left and my first thought was she hates me now she never wants to see me again and it broke my heart but there was no she’s mad at me but she still loves me it was she doesn’t want me in her life and I didn’t message her for like a week because I genuinely thought she hated me and the moredays That passed the more I was convinced we wouldn’t talk again and that’s how she felt and then I went to get something from the house and she burst out crying and hugging me saying she loved me which was nice but I think it that would have been anyone else I’d have cut them out and gone I’m done now but I guess the love for a mother is much stronger.

my point is the above is an example of dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking or splitting but to me what I did was natural I didn’t see it as I’m going to do this it’s just how I reacted to it it was instinctive behaviour and I’m not saying it’s a good thing young children do it because their brains find it easier to reason with things going on, but I can look back and see now what I was doing but at the time I couldn’t and if it happened again I probably wouldn’t see it.

so I’m not sure if you have bpd or not but you at least have the advantage of being reflective of what’s causing the issues with your friend so there’s a lot of hope! Welcome to the forum and hopefully see you around A lot more!And also well done for going to get help! If I was you I’d say this to your friend tell her you realise your behaviour has been causing problems but you care about her and you like her company and you want to get help because you don’t want to lose her as a friend I think she’d appreciate that I know I would X I wish I could have Recognised and fixed myself and never had that argument with my mum, because she passed away and even though the last thing she said to me was I love you and I’ve always been proud of you I know that a argument broke her heart :(
 
N

NimRhali

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Florida
Hey friend, sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time! You know you could have elements of various personality disorders some people have aspects of different bits and bobs dependent personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder there’s loads but as you said the best person to speak to is a mental health professional, also what’s good about your post is you recognise the negative behaviour and why it’s causing that reaction which means if you can identify it you can definitely treat it with help!

sometimes I do stuff and I don’t realise I’m doing it like it was an instinctive reaction so for example I remember having an argument with my mum who I adored and loved more than anyone and she loved me Massively as mums do! and She always worried about me coz i was very sick when I was little I had a brain tumour and meningitis twice to me she was the epitome of perfect and she said I’m not talking to you anymore and left the room And I instantly felt heartbroken and left and my first thought was she hates me now she never wants to see me again and it broke my heart but there was no she’s mad at me but she still loves me it was she doesn’t want me in her life and I didn’t message her for like a week because I genuinely thought she hated me and the moredays That passed the more I was convinced we wouldn’t talk again and that’s how she felt and then I went to get something from the house and she burst out crying and hugging me saying she loved me which was nice but I think it that would have been anyone else I’d have cut them out and gone I’m done now but I guess the love for a mother is much stronger.

my point is the above is an example of dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking or splitting but to me what I did was natural I didn’t see it as I’m going to do this it’s just how I reacted to it it was instinctive behaviour and I’m not saying it’s a good thing young children do it because their brains find it easier to reason with things going on, but I can look back and see now what I was doing but at the time I couldn’t and if it happened again I probably wouldn’t see it.

so I’m not sure if you have bpd or not but you at least have the advantage of being reflective of what’s causing the issues with your friend so there’s a lot of hope! Welcome to the forum and hopefully see you around A lot more!And also well done for going to get help! If I was you I’d say this to your friend tell her you realise your behaviour has been causing problems but you care about her and you like her company and you want to get help because you don’t want to lose her as a friend I think she’d appreciate that I know I would X I wish I could have Recognised and fixed myself and never had that argument with my mum, because she passed away and even though the last thing she said to me was I love you and I’ve always been proud of you I know that a argument broke her heart :(
Thank you so much for your comment. I am so sorry to hear that your mom passed, and I hope you're coping well. And you're right, I could just have symptoms of multiple different disorders and not just one singular disorder. I'll definitley keep that in mind through my healing process.
 
N

NimRhali

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Florida
That's great! N there's my original post. I just got a new phone n have no idea what I did but my post disappeared .. that's why I posted another. Sry.

But I will say don't settle on the first therapist u call. Do your research n see who fits you best. I've been to my fair share n some of them were real winners. One wanted me to act out my feelings with dolls . I was a moody out of control, easily set off teenager n on my first visit she brought out these damn dolls. I stood up said "nope" walked out into the waiting room n told my dad is meet him in the car. I hadn't even been there 5 min n crazy lady was following me telling me to stop w those damn dolls. Ugh
I'll keep that in mind. I'll make sure I find a good therapist. :) Thank you for your thoughts!
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
743
Thanks for your kind message about my mum, and just remember you’ll see a lot of negative stuff about mh but we’re all different and I don’t think anyone means to be bad or in your case the issue with the food which someone would consider inconsiderate there’s a famous fable about a scorpion who’s stuck on one side of a river and He sees a frog and asks for a lift over on his back and the frog says no way, you’ll sting me and the scorpion says nooo don’t be silly if I did that we’d both drown so the frog agrees half way across the frog feels a pinch and it was the scorpion who had stung him dooming them both and the frog says with his last breath why? You’ve doomed us both and the scorpion says I can’t help it, it’s my nature.

the reason I mention this is because how Everyone perceiveS the world is normal for them (mostly) and half the time they don’t realise what their doing is not normal so to you your behaviour was okay but to your friend is was not but very rarely is their malice it’s just people acting how they think is normal.

goodluck with your search and the forums full ofnice people if you wanna chat or ask for help - have a nice evening :)X
 
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