N
NimRhali
Member
Disclaimer: I am not trying to self diagnose. I understand that this forum isn't meant for that. I just want some insight from those who have been diagnosed with BPD.
Why I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder:
I have engaged in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and I have a pattern of unstable relationships.
During my time in elementary school and all the way through high school, I have consistently felt as if my friends and family were going to abandon me. I would always ask them, “you love me, right? Are you going to leave me? How can I make you stay?”. When I began to feel as if my friends would rather not have me around, I would become consumed by the fear of being left behind. My mind would race with thoughts of being left out, even if it was something as simple as one friend staying over at another’s house for a sleepover, or one friend being invited to a stranger’s birthday and me not being able to tag along because I don’t know the other friend.
Currently, my closest friend and roommate, Britanie, is slowly being pushed away by my behavior. I completely understand why a person would want to distance themselves from someone who has explosive outbursts of anger, but I also become extremely distressed when she brings up the possibility of moving out on her own. My outbursts coincide with my own perception of her not caring enough or doing enough for me. One example is food. When we buy groceries, we always purchase enough food for the both of us, and it is a rule that one is not allowed to touch the other’s without permission. I normally eat up all of my food much faster than her, and when I do, I demand that she give me some of hers. She will calmly explain that this food belongs to her and that I shouldn’t have eaten up all of mine. I become extremely angry and question her as to why she would do this to me, and why she doesn’t care enough about me.
Arguments like this have happened an innumerable amount of times, and after each and every argument, I break down and cry and beg for forgiveness. I then go on to portray the “woe is me” attitude and begin to despise myself.
I have an unstable identity and a constantly-shifting sense of self.
I have changed my interests and vocational goals a multitude of times. I remember dedicating myself to musical theory and composition in high school when I joined orchestra. My entire life became music, and I wanted to be a music teacher. However, after months of this, almost instantly, every single piece of love I had for this hobby vanished, and I felt hollow, like nothing could make me happy. The same thing happened with visual art. I joined many art classes in school like sculpture, drawing, and cartooning. I worked my fingers to the bone painting and drawing many things, and I even had applied to Ringling for illustration and game design. Now, I can’t even bring myself to pick up a brush or a pencil and create something. It just bores me now.
The same thing has happened with wanting to be a lawyer, then doctor, then language teacher, then chemist, then medical researcher. I have an outstanding passion for something, and then, almost instantly, I have absolutely no interest in it.
This kind of behavior isn’t limited to vocational aspirations, as I have also experienced a need to constantly change the way I look, talk, and act to fit my own ever-fleeting desires of self image. I have no idea what my actual voice sounds like anymore because I have been trapped in a never-ending cycle of change
Those two are the main ones from the DSM-5 that I experience. I also experience a persistant feeling of hollowness and boredom. I am almost never satisfied with something and crave to find something new to enjoy.
I have also made suicidal gestures in the past, but have never self-harmed.
Why I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder:
I have engaged in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and I have a pattern of unstable relationships.
During my time in elementary school and all the way through high school, I have consistently felt as if my friends and family were going to abandon me. I would always ask them, “you love me, right? Are you going to leave me? How can I make you stay?”. When I began to feel as if my friends would rather not have me around, I would become consumed by the fear of being left behind. My mind would race with thoughts of being left out, even if it was something as simple as one friend staying over at another’s house for a sleepover, or one friend being invited to a stranger’s birthday and me not being able to tag along because I don’t know the other friend.
Currently, my closest friend and roommate, Britanie, is slowly being pushed away by my behavior. I completely understand why a person would want to distance themselves from someone who has explosive outbursts of anger, but I also become extremely distressed when she brings up the possibility of moving out on her own. My outbursts coincide with my own perception of her not caring enough or doing enough for me. One example is food. When we buy groceries, we always purchase enough food for the both of us, and it is a rule that one is not allowed to touch the other’s without permission. I normally eat up all of my food much faster than her, and when I do, I demand that she give me some of hers. She will calmly explain that this food belongs to her and that I shouldn’t have eaten up all of mine. I become extremely angry and question her as to why she would do this to me, and why she doesn’t care enough about me.
Arguments like this have happened an innumerable amount of times, and after each and every argument, I break down and cry and beg for forgiveness. I then go on to portray the “woe is me” attitude and begin to despise myself.
I have an unstable identity and a constantly-shifting sense of self.
I have changed my interests and vocational goals a multitude of times. I remember dedicating myself to musical theory and composition in high school when I joined orchestra. My entire life became music, and I wanted to be a music teacher. However, after months of this, almost instantly, every single piece of love I had for this hobby vanished, and I felt hollow, like nothing could make me happy. The same thing happened with visual art. I joined many art classes in school like sculpture, drawing, and cartooning. I worked my fingers to the bone painting and drawing many things, and I even had applied to Ringling for illustration and game design. Now, I can’t even bring myself to pick up a brush or a pencil and create something. It just bores me now.
The same thing has happened with wanting to be a lawyer, then doctor, then language teacher, then chemist, then medical researcher. I have an outstanding passion for something, and then, almost instantly, I have absolutely no interest in it.
This kind of behavior isn’t limited to vocational aspirations, as I have also experienced a need to constantly change the way I look, talk, and act to fit my own ever-fleeting desires of self image. I have no idea what my actual voice sounds like anymore because I have been trapped in a never-ending cycle of change
Those two are the main ones from the DSM-5 that I experience. I also experience a persistant feeling of hollowness and boredom. I am almost never satisfied with something and crave to find something new to enjoy.
I have also made suicidal gestures in the past, but have never self-harmed.
Thank you for your thoughts!
