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I think I have BPD

T

ttjordy

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2020
Messages
17
Location
Alkmaar
Hey all,

I exhibit almost all of the symptoms and signs of Borderline Disorder. Other people with BPD suspect I am one too. I feel drawn to people with BDP, I feel connected because they understand me.

I recently started schematherapy, to adjust behavior and alter previous flawed beliefs. Now I started to hurt myself more extremely and noticed I feel so high after doing it. And I feel euphoric and relaxed. And even sexually aroused. I start to watch porn and masturbate. This feels so sick.. It's like I'm ecstatic. It starts to feel like an addicted, as I obsessively and compulsively engage in it. And now I feel so high after. This concerns me deeply.

Also I do this to self-loothe excess tension of an emotion and it needs to be released otherwise I can't take it. I want to learn to alleviate tension and stress sooner before it turns into destructive expression of emotion. I try to connect with people and tell them what is bothering me in a calm, mature manner. Not being judgmental or pointing blame. Just stating my feelings and emotions. I am getting beter at it. But it frustrates me that my mother doesn't want to try to do it that way. She avoids being vulnerable at all times and calls me a bad person because I inflict damage to her with my drug use and aelf-harm. She made me feel extremely guilty afterwards. I accidentally made a mess on my matress and granted, this was a bit silly of me, but she started yelling and being aggressive and throwing things at me. I told her that I suspect it is not the stain that she feels stressed over but rather her son's well-being and told her that it is okay to express her concern and sadness, but still she avoids it and started on the matress again. I find it deeply hurtful and painful that she makes me believe or perhaps that it's true the stupid matress is more important than her own son.

Apologies for the frutration, but I don't know how to deal with it or how to talk to my mother. Any tips or criticism always welcome. Also I doubt the last piece belongs in this subsection

Jordy
 
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G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,515
Can you move out of your home? It sounds to me like your mom is contributing to your stress and subsequent self harm.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,137
Hey all,

I exhibit almost all of the symptoms and signs of Borderline Disorder. Other people with BPD suspect I am one too. I feel drawn to people with BDP, I feel connected because they understand me.

I recently started schematherapy, to adjust behavior and alter previous flawed beliefs. Now I started to hurt myself more extremely and noticed I feel so high after doing it. And I feel euphoric and relaxed. And even sexually aroused. I start to watch porn and masturbate. This feels so sick.. It's like I'm ecstatic. It starts to feel like an addicted, as I obsessively and compulsively engage in it. And now I feel so high after. This concerns me deeply.

Also I do this to self-loothe excess tension of an emotion and it needs to be released otherwise I can't take it. I want to learn to alleviate tension and stress sooner before it turns into destructive expression of emotion. I try to connect with people and tell them what is bothering me in a calm, mature manner. Not being judgmental or pointing blame. Just stating my feelings and emotions. I am getting beter at it. But it frustrates me that my mother doesn't want to try to do it that way. She avoids being vulnerable at all times and calls me a bad person because I inflict damage to her with my drug use and aelf-harm. She made me feel extremely guilty afterwards. I accidentally made a mess on my matress and granted, this was a bit silly of me, but she started yelling and being aggressive and throwing things at me. I told her that I suspect it is not the stain that she feels stressed over but rather her son's well-being and told her that it is okay to express her concern and sadness, but still she avoids it and started on the matress again. I find it deeply hurtful and painful that she makes me believe or perhaps that it's true the stupid matress is more important than her own son.

Apologies for the frutration, but I don't know how to deal with it or how to talk to my mother. Any tips or criticism always welcome. Also I doubt the last piece belongs in this subsection

Jordy
Hi Jordy. Please be aware you are not unique. Many people experience the same thoughts as you and turn to coping mechanisms. These are almost always self destructive. Do not feel bad, you are only doing these things to give yourself temporary relief from your emotional pain. I have attached a diagram to demonstrate the cycle of thoughts you have. Any questions you have please post again.
 

Attachments

T

ttjordy

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2020
Messages
17
Location
Alkmaar
Hi Jordy. Please be aware you are not unique. Many people experience the same thoughts as you and turn to coping mechanisms. These are almost always self destructive. Do not feel bad, you are only doing these things to give yourself temporary relief from your emotional pain. I have attached a diagram to demonstrate the cycle of thoughts you have. Any questions you have please post again.
Thank you so much for this
Hi Jordy. Please be aware you are not unique. Many people experience the same thoughts as you and turn to coping mechanisms. These are almost always self destructive. Do not feel bad, you are only doing these things to give yourself temporary relief from your emotional pain. I have attached a diagram to demonstrate the cycle of thoughts you have. Any questions you have please post again.
Thank you so much for replying to my thread. It calms me to know I am not alone. I am aware of the self-soothing and impulsive behavings are indeed to distract myself from psychological pain. But also fear, anger and even sometimes joy. Thanks for the diagram to help me put my thoughts, feelings and behvior mapped out. I do have a question about the dissociation. My psychologists noticed signs of dissociation from me. Sometimes when someone tells an intense story I tune out and have not a clue what was said. I know the stories are intense because a light and relaxed conversation is easy to follow for me. And I dissociate when I hurt myself extremely. Well it comes as a rush and I feel high but I space out and lose awareness of my surroundings and when I get to, I seem to have lost all my stuff, I can't simply remember where I put them. Is this normal as in BPD? But most of the time I tend to be hyper-aroused. Obsessions and compulsions are very easy to relate for me. I even look for attention from women, and start flirting a lot and after I realize it was a distraction and I get rejected after the first time we fucked. But it makes me feel empty later.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,137
Thank you so much for this


Thank you so much for replying to my thread. It calms me to know I am not alone. I am aware of the self-soothing and impulsive behavings are indeed to distract myself from psychological pain. But also fear, anger and even sometimes joy. Thanks for the diagram to help me put my thoughts, feelings and behvior mapped out. I do have a question about the dissociation. My psychologists noticed signs of dissociation from me. Sometimes when someone tells an intense story I tune out and have not a clue what was said. I know the stories are intense because a light and relaxed conversation is easy to follow for me. And I dissociate when I hurt myself extremely. Well it comes as a rush and I feel high but I space out and lose awareness of my surroundings and when I get to, I seem to have lost all my stuff, I can't simply remember where I put them. Is this normal as in BPD? But most of the time I tend to be hyper-aroused. Obsessions and compulsions are very easy to relate for me. I even look for attention from women, and start flirting a lot and after I realize it was a distraction and I get rejected after the first time we fucked. But it makes me feel empty later.
If I understand you right in your disassociation it’s what I would call detachment. I have spent most of my life not remembering conversations or events. It’s a part of BPD, in essence what you are doing is saying the reality of life is simply too painful to bear so you detach in order to curtail any emotion. Flirting, sexual activity etc is all part of being hyper. Hope the attached helps you
 

Attachments

T

ttjordy

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2020
Messages
17
Location
Alkmaar
If I understand you right in your disassociation it’s what I would call detachment. I have spent most of my life not remembering conversations or events. It’s a part of BPD, in essence what you are doing is saying the reality of life is simply too painful to bear so you detach in order to curtail any emotion. Flirting, sexual activity etc is all part of being hyper. Hope the attached helps you
Yes exactly. It's detachment rather than dissociation. But what scares me is that I sometimes don't have a clue of where I am, what the time is and how I got there. I suffered a few severe traumas in my childhood, I guess that has something to do with it for some part and in part BPD. As for being hyper, I recognize this part of BPD way more. It occurs much more often and I have memories of it.

Thank you for the attachment, it really helps me :)
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,137
Yes exactly. It's detachment rather than dissociation. But what scares me is that I sometimes don't have a clue of where I am, what the time is and how I got there. I suffered a few severe traumas in my childhood, I guess that has something to do with it for some part and in part BPD. As for being hyper, I recognize this part of BPD way more. It occurs much more often and I have memories of it.

Thank you for the attachment, it really helps me :)
I am or was the same. When I started getting better I honestly thought I’d woken up from a coma. I also had childhood trauma as I’m sure most of us have. It’s just your brain shutting down to block any emotions as it thinks the reality of life is just too painful to handle. You can and I’m sure will recover in time as BPD needn’t be a life sentence. Try to keep yourself as calm as possible as it will help.
 
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