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I think I have BPD, I need help with handling "Favorite Person"

S

sthope

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
Hi everyone! I'm new here and I am looking forward to talking with you all. I really need help, as I am struggling in a major way with something... I'll tell you a little about myself and why I am here.

I really don't know where to begin, but I'll try my best at explaining my situation. To start off, my childhood wasn't good at all, my parents fought all the time and I felt like I had to be the mediator to keep them from killing each other, starting from when I was in kindergarten. Which left me not really having a relationship with either of my parents because I felt like I couldn't talk to them. In middle school, I had bouts of harming myself and purging after I ate. I was raped during the summer before I started high school. I didn't tell anyone about this until my junior year. I always tried to be this "perfect" version of myself, and if at anytime I failed at anything, I felt like I was hated by everyone, and I would hate myself. In middle school, I started having these MAJOR "crushes" on certain type of women. It was only one woman at a time. It was nothing romantic or anything like that, although it did cause me to question my sexuality because I couldn't figure out why I would think about a woman obsessively. It wasn't until years later, that I realized that I wanted these women to be my mom. I ended up developing a relationship with 2 of these women. One was a teacher at my high school. I felt so close to her, but in reality, we weren't really that close. But I put her on this huge pedestal. And when she wouldn't text me back, I'd feel like she was trying to distance herself from me and that's when I'd begin to lose it. I overdosed one day because she didn't text me back and I felt like she hated me and that if she hated me everyone else hated me too, so I hated myself. I didn't want to live anymore, all because she didn't text me back. I started replaying everything bad that had happened to me in my life over in my head, I started telling myself I was worthless and that I was a burden to everyone, so I wanted out of this world, and I tried to commit suicide. Obviously, I wasn't successful, so fast forward 2 years later and I found my next "crush", or as I've learned through research of bpd, its "favorite person". I got into a super close relationship with another woman and she really became like a mom to me. I basically lived with her for over a year. Things were great. But then, she started seeming a bit offish to me, and the whole thing happened over again and I ended up overdosing and wound up in the hospital. This cycle is something that happened a few more times.

What led me here, is that recently, I've found a new "favorite person" and this time its honestly about to drive me absolutely crazy as I don't know how to deal with it. I've been pretty isolated for several years now, I don't really know anyone where I live, I don't talk to anyone from back home, its just myself and my boyfriend. I am in my 30s now, and am currently diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety. And I feel like I am head over heels in absolute LOVE with this woman that I barely know, that doesn't live even remotely close to me. We've exchanged a few emails over a year, and I called her up this past November to talk about something that wasn't even personal. But we started talking and I flipped over her. A few days late I called her about something personal, when I was on verge of an anxiety attack (which was strange in itself because there again, I had only spoken to her on the phone ONCE) and she was SO kind, and caring and considerate of me that I absolutely fell flat on my face in love with her. I think the world of this woman that I don't even know. I want to tell her everything about myself, and I want to know everything about her. I want her to be my mom (I'm making myself sound like an absolute nutt right now, right?!) ... I even looked up adult adoption because I was fantasizing that she would adopt me!! Ugh, it's exhausting just thinking about it. Well, I finally realized that this was just not normal, and I started looking it up online, and found that this is something commonly experienced by people with BPD (although, I don't know if it usually happens with someone you don't really know?!). I didn't even know what BPD was, I had never heard of it. I looked it up online, and I've researched it for almost a month now. And I STRONGLY feel like I meet the criteria for BPD, specifically quiet, or discouraged BPD. I didn't really know how to take it at first, but now I almost feel (happy????) to atleast know that this may be the reason for so many things in my life, to how I think/feel about myself and others, and why I am the way I am with so many things. I feel that because I know what it is, that I can at least try to manage myself a little better. I have no hope of getting a proper diagnosis, as I can't see a therapist in person because I don't want my boyfriend to know. I am getting my depression and anxiety treated online, and had medicine delivered to me. There again, it's that fear of rejection if my boyfriend were to find out.

I am hoping to hear from some of you about your thoughts on my current "favorite person" and how to handle it. I've emailed her such dumb emails, degrading myself and I feel like I've made a complete idiot of myself to her, but she's still been so kind. This is really, really causing me some serious emotional pain, as I want to call her and I want to be close to her, but my anxiety won't allow it, and I am SOOOO scared that she will shut me out because I am sure that she will think that it's weird that I even want to talk to her like I do when I don't know her. How should I handle this? Do you think that I possible have BPD and this is related to it? I meet a lot of criteria for BPD but this is the most bothersome for me, especially as of right now. I'm looking for advice, plllleasseee share some insight with me!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond to me :)
 
S

sthope

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
By the way... I know I can't diagnose myself with BPD... but I'm really in the corner with it, because I am not able to get a diagnosis because like I said above, I can't see anyone in person to get diagnosed. I do have a therapist online, however, and we discussed it and she said she can't diagnose me online, but recommended that I find another online therapist that is more experienced with dbt than she is because she feels like I'd benefit more from therapy if I received dbt. It really sucks, because I don't want to switch therapists because it took a lot for me to really start even trying to open up to her, but she just feels like she isn't properly equipped to give me the help that I need. I'd feel so much better about things if I had a proper diagnosis, because I wouldn't feel as much like I'm "making things up", I mean I know I'm not, but it would really help to validate my feelings and thoughts on things.
 
A

Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Scandinavia
Nobody on this forum can or should try and diagnose anybody.

If you ask me though, me, who is a BPD person.
I can relate really well to your story.

We do get attached to certain people and we do end up emotionally unstable.
And it can all turn such a mess.

I am even kind of in your situation now, as we speak. I send mails to my FP all the time, trying to get him stay close to me - and I do not seem to have the capacity to understand, that he needs to nurture himself right now.

This is wildly frustrating. I wish I could just relax and let other people get some peace or at minimum not overwhelm with intense emotional reactions.
Im in a mess.
And your story could easily look like the story of a BPD person.

But - after 20 years in treatment I can tell you, that things might not change drastically in the way your emotions work towards the people you respond to the way you do.
You might just have a chance of understanding that this is the way you work and maybe gain acceptance that this is how it is.

And then the next challenge is just finding people in your life, who will accept that this is how it is with you.

But check out a therapist, maybe talk to your doctor. Get some reassurance if you need.
But do not expect, that you can change who you are inside.
You can learn to act differently.. some days. But overall.. you are who you are.

It is possible to learn how to be more okay with yourself despite these challenges in life though.

Dont know if this was a good answer.. or one even much helpful.
It was just what I currently have in mind when reading your post.

Might add more thoughts later..

Till then good luck.
Having emotions and intense emotion isnt all that bad.
Its when the emotional numbness sets in, that things turns really hard. In my experience.
If you do not experience those cold/numb/empty phases, chances are you are not BPD.

Maybe you just have a little bagage in life, that needs a little sorting out. Maybe some emotional turmoil from your background, that you can easily get help figuring out how to deal with.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,299
Location
London, ON
I just found out about favourite people, despite being diagnosed with BPD 23 years ago.

It explains a lot.

Favourite people might be something that occurs even if you aren't BPD.

I've actually been the FP for somebody - and, umm, that isn't easy, either. There's a tendency for people to put the FP on a pedestal, and also to go to extremes in how you see/treat them. Like, going hot and cold regarding them, they are the best thing ever, and then teh worst thing ever.

I think it's because they become so important to us, that we feel betrayed when they don't live up to that image.

Oddly, I don't get that black and white thinking about them, but I apply it to myself.

Basically - you could have favourite people, without BPD. I think. Either way, you could try to minimize the dangers of this thinking.

I'll admit - I don't have a coping strategy for myself figured out, except... Keep reminding yourself this is a one sided thing - that they have no concept of how much you care or think of them. Try to put some emotional distance between you and them.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,700
Location
USA
"Keep reminding yourself this is a one sided thing-that they have no concept of how much you care or think of them."

That's good advice. And just to add, if they do find out, they might be frightened by it.

I wasn't diagnosed with bpd, but I have definitely experienced having a favorite person or persons. A couple were folks I just simply idolized, and another was one I looked to as a mother figure. Actually, I forgot, but I felt this way (mother figure) about my past therapist too for awhile, but then I found out about FPs and distanced myself. She was allowing me to email her my thoughts every day, any time of the day, and she'd even respond sometimes. After going through the hardships with the above (oh yeah, ill explain that in a sec), well i took the i initiative and told my therapist that I don't think the messages were very helpful to my recovery. That I'd have to slow way down and eventually stop altogether. That would be my suggestion to you with your FP. Get to a point where you can take a break for awhile and see that you can be without them for a time. Then, when you feel healthier, you might be able to start talking to them again.

Right, ok, so the hardships with the above. Well let's start with the mother figure. Well she's actually still in my life, (buddies on a site) but we don't really talk these days, but I feel like I could go to her if I really needed to. But she self preserves. I can tell she holds back on getting too emotionally invested in people (or at least me). So I think that's very lucky on my part because she was able to weather the storm that had happened between me and the others.

Ok, so the others, as briefly as I can explain here, I definitely put on pedastles, one more than the other. The more than the other one seemed to always say and do the right things, the fair things and was SUPER interesting. I felt we had so much in common. I fell very deeply for this person, and even expressed my admiration numerous times. I also expressed my insecurities and how I wasn't as good. Put myself down a lot. In the end, I frightened this person away. The second one was a friend of the first. We continued talking after the fallout with the first. They didn't quite understand the problem. But I could tell as time went on, they too were becoming distant and I was beginning to freak out and worry they'd leave me too. Like really freaked out and worried! I was to a point where I wanted to end things first because of that fear that they'd break my heart one day. Still, putting myself in that place I can remember how hard it was to know what to do. I knew it was becoming a problem, just as you've described. The trouble was that I shared a chat with both this person and the motherly figure (yes, they all knew each other). Well, "mother" would reassure me that I could talk and vent all I wanted and that they were listening, but instinct told me I was bothering the other friend. Wish I was able to follow through on that instinct and just realize I should separately message "mother" and "emotionally distance" myself from the other and give them a break. Ultimately, because I didn't do that, they left me. Even though I had always known it to happen, it still tore me apart. Even though they left with saying I was a good person but they just couldn't handle it anymore, I was heartbroken.

Don't let it get to that point. Learn about emotional distance all you can. With my first FP, I was told about emotional distance, but I never really understood it. I didn't really have a way to ignore this person either as well, so things were stacked up against me to begin with. It was a bad situation only made worse by all of our own mental illnesses. I learned a lot from that experience. I try not to idolize people and when I feel a strong attachment coming on, I try to limit my interaction with that person completely, or at least to a point where I can not feel such strong feelings. In my case, I can't seem to turn off those feelings, so being brief is my best advice for most cases. But "mother" has allowed me to vent. I think if you need to do so, you can with your FP, but once that vent is over, try to keep conversation brief and emotionless. Like talk about the more boring parts of your life. Lol I know, sounds boring, but you need to see them as normal boring people too to take off the idolizing.
Make any sense? Sorry for rambling, but this is an issue that hits deep in my heart. I wish you all the best!
 
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