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I think i have bdp and my partner struggles to cope with me

O

Orangehamster

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Joined
Aug 10, 2020
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6
Location
Melbourne
Hey guys,



i struggle a lot when it comes to finding a balance in any aspect of my life and especially when it comes to my relationship. I either love someone so much it suffocates them or I distance myself away so much that I hurt them- unknowingly but aware. Im at that stage where I love my partner dearly and there is nothing else I want more than to be with him but we live in separate houses and I find that my episodes happen a lot when I am away from him- although i am only away from him maximum 2 days...



i am very insecure about my looks and about who I am and what I do. Im insecure with my looks more so with my current partner because I know the "type" of girl he prefers and they arent like me. He likes "more chinese/ asian" girls whereas I am more australian chinese, i dont retain or desire many oriental looks i.e pale skin or thin.


Tonight he watched a kdrama and That made me very insecure. We share a netflix account and i had intially blocked the show off on his account a couple of months ago and he found out today. At first the confrontation/ conversation was fine but then he said he loved me- i was angry so i ignored his message for a bit. And then i finally replied but i got angry because he didnt reply to me within the half an hour mark. I started frantically calling him and trying to get a hold of him. When i finally did i gave him a little attitude and he told me to go away and hung up.


after that i fell into a spiral of not feeling good enough, wanting to not love him anymore, wanting to self harm and not knowing how to get over it.. he said it was fine but i didnt feel fine.


Then i started ranting about everything and now he is asleep and i still feel horrible.. how do i find balance in my relationship and how do i get rid of this fear of abandonment admist a fight?
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

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Jul 25, 2020
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110
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Herefordshire
Hi I’m a newbie here, I do t have any advice but I wanted you to know that I feel your pain .... it’s the worst when you destroy the thing you love isn’t it?
Big Hugs
 
B

bpd2020

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It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and worries. I think you would benefit from therapy. It will help you to make sense of the difficulties you have. I am very sorry you are going through this.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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It sounds like you two could greatly benefit from couple’s counselling to improve how you communicate with each other. While you may suffer from anxiety and insecurity, a lot of what you describe can be resolved by better communication, where you aren’t afraid to express how you really feel, like you are doing here.

The counseller can also assess whether you’d benefit from private sessions with a qualified therapist.
 
O

Orangehamster

Member
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Aug 10, 2020
Messages
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Location
Melbourne
Hi I’m a newbie here, I do t have any advice but I wanted you to know that I feel your pain .... it’s the worst when you destroy the thing you love isn’t it?
Big Hugs
that makes the two of us, I thought I was getting better at not hurting the people I love the most, hope youre okay :)
 
O

Orangehamster

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Aug 10, 2020
Messages
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Location
Melbourne
It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and worries. I think you would benefit from therapy. It will help you to make sense of the difficulties you have. I am very sorry you are going through this.
i never thought this situation would reflect anxious feelings but it makes sense now that I think about it, thank you
 
O

Orangehamster

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Melbourne
It sounds like you two could greatly benefit from couple’s counselling to improve how you communicate with each other. While you may suffer from anxiety and insecurity, a lot of what you describe can be resolved by better communication, where you aren’t afraid to express how you really feel, like you are doing here.

The counseller can also assess whether you’d benefit from private sessions with a qualified therapist.
I express how I feel to my partner very clearly and I am comfortable in doing so but it seems like he doesnt understand where I am coming from. He always makes my feelings seem a lot more shallow than they are
 
G

Girl interupted

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I express how I feel to my partner very clearly and I am comfortable in doing so but it seems like he doesnt understand where I am coming from. He always makes my feelings seem a lot more shallow than they are
This is why a couples counselor can help. You both seem to have a communication issue. A counselor can act as a neutral third party and give you honest feedback on how to do better.
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

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Herefordshire
that makes the two of us, I thought I was getting better at not hurting the people I love the most, hope youre okay :)
Are we hurting them or do they bring out the worst in us? My partner knows I hate it when he’s says he’ll be half an hour and three hours later I’m besides myself with anxiety. He doesn’t answer phone, or just doing his mum a favour. I hate not knowing it makes me feel he does it on purpose
 
O

Orangehamster

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Aug 10, 2020
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Location
Melbourne
Are we hurting them or do they bring out the worst in us? My partner knows I hate it when he’s says he’ll be half an hour and three hours later I’m besides myself with anxiety. He doesn’t answer phone, or just doing his mum a favour. I hate not knowing it makes me feel he does it on purpose

Your partner sounds like he is a little bit insensitive.

But I understand where you are coming from.. my partner sometimes does things that he knows will hurt me and cast doubt into my mind. He says hurtful things even when i pause him before hand telling him to please not say anything he will regret

i find it hard to cope with my anxiety as well, have you found any techniques that have helped you?
 
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Nukelavee

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My partner knows I hate it when he’s says he’ll be half an hour and three hours later I’m besides myself with anxiety. He doesn’t answer phone, or just doing his mum a favour. I hate not knowing it makes me feel he does it on purpose
If you have BPD, it's important to remember that people without it, literally don't feel as intensely the negative aspects of others behaviour. It's a bit like expecting a blind person to know what colour orange is.

What that means, basically, is that you need to understand how others would feel having to wait 3 hours without notice. Most people, don't care so much. They don't have anxiety attacks over it.

This is important, because we have to know when our reactions are reasonable, and when they are off the scale.

bluntly - It's not up to everyone else to study how we react, and walk on eggshells - it's up to us to learn to not take every slight sign as being mean or insensitive.

What I'm saying is that our tendency to be over sensitive is even more a fault than other's perceived insensitivity.
 
R

Raevynn

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Aug 17, 2018
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I express how I feel to my partner very clearly and I am comfortable in doing so but it seems like he doesnt understand where I am coming from. He always makes my feelings seem a lot more shallow than they are
I completely empathise with this. It can be so difficult, sometimes, for others to understand how extreme an insecurity can make you feel, especially with BPD. They may see it as something small, but to you it feels massive, and that can be so hard to explain because we can't even explain it to ourselves. You just feel it, and it's all consuming.
Perhaps try discussing with your doctor if you feel as though you are suffering with BPD? Or look into therapy options (CBT or DBT for example). It may help :) especially with being able to deal with arguments with out going into full self destruct mode!
Remember to be kind to yourself, and look after yourself - this too shall pass - remember that if you ever feel as though the world is crashing around you.
 
P

Pinkie12

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Aug 11, 2020
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Location
Coventry
Wow I have just read this to my partner and we have both said this is literally me. I thought I was going insane. It's so nice in a way to hear other people are the same as me. I'm confused how to get help, alot of people tell me I need to pause count to 10 and think about what I say but it really is not that easy. I got from 0 to 100 within seconds. Iv also been doctors but they never really take me seriously. Hope your okay and find some peace of mind
 
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Nukelavee

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London, ON
I'm confused how to get help, alot of people tell me I need to pause count to 10 and think about what I say but it really is not that easy. I got from 0 to 100 within seconds.
Practice. I mean, there are aspects to gaining control, but it comes down to teaching yourself to realize you are going on tilt, and stopping yourself.

Simple doesn't mean easy, it takes work.

As I've said, one of the hardest things for many people with BPD to grasp is that most of the time, it isn't that other people are really treating you as badly as you feel. It's your illness making you over react.

BPD sufferers often say "Why don't others understand how much their actions can hurt me?". The flip side is "Why do people with BPD not understand they are over reacting.

PArt of the solution is dealing with the traumas that caused the issue/disorder. The other part is making ourselves learn better self control.
 
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