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I think I’ve been pushed to the border

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EstherRose94

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Guys I don’t even think I’m really borderline. I have tendencies like I’m sensitive and afraid of people leaving but I’ve been pretty stable until recently. Is it possible that my bf is by his own nature pulling this behavior out of me? Or like that my BPD-ness is a reasonable response to my situation? I’m not diagnosed it’s just what my therapist mentioned as a possible match but even he doesn’t think I have a full-blown type of it. I’m not trying to disrespect those of you who do have BPD. I can relate to your feelings and thoughts and I know it’s very difficult to deal with. I’m just doubting myself A LOT. I never know if I am truly struggling and taking things personally when I shouldn’t or if the relationship I’m in is really flawed and my reactions are warranted. What do you think?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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How many of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder do you show?

I can't remember if it's 3 or 4 symptoms that you have to have in order to actually have it, reason I'm asking is one symptom of it (or any disorder, for that matter) does not make that disorder (hopefully I make sense) :hug:
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah that makes sense. Umm I mean most of the less obvious (outward) stuff like fear of abandonment, shaky sense of self (but it’s getting better with my meds), emotionally over reactive. I don’t really have impulsive behaviors though and I can also maintain relationships fairly well, social stuff is challenging but I’m typically able to function just fine.
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

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Yeah that makes sense. Umm I mean most of the less obvious (outward) stuff like fear of abandonment, shaky sense of self (but it’s getting better with my meds), emotionally over reactive. I don’t really have impulsive behaviors though and I can also maintain relationships fairly well, social stuff is challenging but I’m typically able to function just fine.
I have doubted my own symptoms too, I think it’s key to remember that disorders present differently for everybody. And it’s also possible to not have the full disorder but to only have traits, which don’t affect you as severely as someone diagnosed and suffering from more symptoms. But it can still be a challenge.

This didn’t become an apparent problem for me until I got into a romantic relationship
 
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EstherRose94

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Thank you. I’ve honestly like changed my mind already: I do see things on a warped way and overreact and it really is me and not him. Does anyone else feel like two or more entirely different people in one?
 
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dewey

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Guys I don’t even think I’m really borderline. I have tendencies like I’m sensitive and afraid of people leaving but I’ve been pretty stable until recently. Is it possible that my bf is by his own nature pulling this behavior out of me? Or like that my BPD-ness is a reasonable response to my situation? I’m not diagnosed it’s just what my therapist mentioned as a possible match but even he doesn’t think I have a full-blown type of it. I’m not trying to disrespect those of you who do have BPD. I can relate to your feelings and thoughts and I know it’s very difficult to deal with. I’m just doubting myself A LOT. I never know if I am truly struggling and taking things personally when I shouldn’t or if the relationship I’m in is really flawed and my reactions are warranted. What do you think?
Try the book 'Attached: the new science of Adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love'. My psychiatrist recommended it to me, she said it would help me. I am currently reading it.
It sounds like you are displaying the typical insecure attachment style and your partner must be avoidant. The book explains how the two interact and puts to bed a lot of assumptions that society makes about relationships... I recommend
 
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EstherRose94

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Thanks Dewey I’ll check it out
 
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dewey

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Thanks Dewey I’ll check it out
I don't know how much you know on attachment theory. Of course no theory is 100% especially in humanity's current naive understanding of psychology.
In a nutshell, the basic idea is that there are three attachment styles: secure, insecure (also known as anxious) and avoidant.
The attachment styles were originally believed to be formed through very early interaction with mother but now one's whole upbringing and life experience is considered to have an impact on one's attachment style.
Insecure/anxious and avoidant types generally attract each other for some reason, leading to a great amount of problems in relationships despite their attraction.
So far from what I've read, the book examines a case study of a woman who is usually extremely resilient faced with life's problem but when she meets an avoidant character becomes obsessed and broken by his avoidant tendencies. The book rationalises that the obsession the insecurely attached shows in relationships is based on a fundamental, animalistic biological instinct to preserve their mate. Therefore it would be insane for someone with insecure attachment style to just abandon their mate, in the situation, explaining their insecure behaviours. Similarly the person who has avoidant attachment is programmed to preserve themself via their avoidant tendencies. It's all a question of survival.
The book also affirms the notion of dependency in relationships.
The book does a good job of explaining the differences. Generally speaking the best and most happy and healthy relationship for someone with insecure attachment style is with a securely attached person as they can give them the reassurance they need, as opposed to the avoidant whose behaviour reinforces insecurities. The book argues that understanding and awareness of attachment styles can help us find a healthy relationship and improve relationship satisfaction.
I haven't read the whole book yet but that's what I've learnt so far.

See the following links:
The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships - The Book of Life
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah that makes sense except that like I thought my parents were pretty typical/ if anything better than average. Idk why I would have an anxious attachment style but I seem to.
 
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dewey

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Yeah that makes sense except that like I thought my parents were pretty typical/ if anything better than average. Idk why I would have an anxious attachment style but I seem to.
Yes, the causes of anxious attachment style can develop through other factors other than just parents. I realise the website link I gave you does seem to suggest that the parents would be root cause of insecure and avoidant styles, but the book I'm reading suggests a range of factors may contribute, not just parents
I think as with all psychology theories, one has to take them with a pinch of salt but the model makes sense in terms of explaining the different ways people behave in relationships.
 
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EstherRose94

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For sure, I agree. I didn’t mean to say that your links were suggesting that just like in general what I’ve heard and read does. To me it makes more sense that this is just how I am I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️
 
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dewey

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For sure, I agree. I didn’t mean to say that your links were suggesting that just like in general what I’ve heard and read does. To me it makes more sense that this is just how I am I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️
Well I don't know the backstory to your relationship but hope you get a bit more clarity on it somehow.
Personally, I'm useless at relationships, my psychiatrist just told me about attachment styles so I could understand better. I still don't really have a clue though, I find trusting people extremely difficult, hopefully that will change some day
X
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah I mean it’s scary to get really close to someone and feel like you have to be able to rely on them and trust them. I think for me I need to know and trust myself also and that’s taking some time. I love myself but I don’t particularly trust myself because my thoughts and emotions are so all over the place.

I realized yesterday though that there are lots of ways I can be a productive member of society no matter what my thoughts and feelings are. I want to fill my schedule with volunteering and work and stuff and maybe that imposed structure will help
 
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