I think I’ll be alone my whole life.

E

Emotinium

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Feb 20, 2019
Messages
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#1
Hi,

I’m coping with depression and anxiety for a long time. I just feel almost constantly very bad all the time. There are multiple things which triggered me feeling this this way. That’s why it’s so hard to find a way to heal myself. I really feel like a puzzle of billion pieces. I never had a proper change to develop myself like other kids in my childhood because I had heavy domestic violence at home. I had social anxiety so my world wasn’t that big either at that time.

I never really felt good in my life, but 3 years ago everything went completely down hill with me. I became isolated and I lost everything I had and worked for. I am most of the time at home now. I have therapy and I’m trying a lot, but nothing has really helped me out.

With that said, I just feel very lonely most of the time. I’m afraid I will always be alone, because I hate myself and my life + I can’t offer anything to someone I’m afraid. I have zero self confidence mostly just off my inner self. I don’t meet any new people, because I feel over stimulated and anxious when I am outside and I just live in my own world then. I had zero experience with relationships etc. in the past too and I am still virgin which sucks. I find it a hard decision, but I think I have to settle myself to live alone my whole life.

I feel like I have taken too much damage and I can’t be fixed anymore. I am only 20, but 20 years of hard time makes you feel like a rusty person.
 
K

keeponswimming

Member
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
5
Location
england
#2
Hello dear. You feel life has passed you by, but honestly at 20 you're still very young even though you don't feel it. I know in it seems like everyone loses their virginity as a teenager, but many people don't, so you shouldn't panic too much, because even people without your issues can still be a virgin at 30, or even older! It feels like a big matter, but really it isn't and one day someone will come along; none of us can predict when that will be for any of us, we just have to wait unless we're bold enough to go hunting, which not everyone is.

I suffered a great deal in childhood also and I was very mentally/emotionally messed up at your age too. It's very hard when you feel divided and torn about whether to give up trying to be social, when you feel this is how you should be, because being a loner feels unnatural; however, there are many happy loners in this world and a lot of them are very young, because they recognise from an early age that they feel most relaxed and contented in their own company away from the stress and hassle of other people - perhaps this is your true self and way of being.

At the moment you're going through a kind of transition, trying to find who you really are and what your place is. It may take a while longer to discover that, but in the meantime while you look hard and deep into yourself try to be kinder to yourself. If you recognise you're not a bad evil person and wrongdoer, then you have no reason to hate yourself - you have to live with you all your life, so you need to start respecting yourself and be your own friend.

I don't know if you have any faith, but Jesus is my great friend and comfort and with Him I'm never alone, nor lonely, because He's always with me and in my spirit. If that appeals to you then try developing your faith. If that doesn't appeal to you then find other ways that help you feel fulfilled and comforted. Also, if you have no pet, then please get one, even if it is something small, an animal gives you something to focus on other than yourself.
 
L

Lockpon

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2019
Messages
63
Location
UK
#3
Hello, OP.

I'd like to start by saying I'm so very sorry you faced domestic violence at home. I know me sayign that doesn't change that. And I know me saying that doesn't fix the damage it caused. But still, I want to offer my condolences, because domestic violence is horrifically cruel and nobody should have to go through it.

If you are okay with talking about it, may I ask how long you have attended therapy and what type of therapy you are receiving? E.g., CBT, general talking therapy, etc.? Have you had the same therapist all this time or have you had different therapists over the months/year(s)? Do you find your therapy sessions to be helpful at all and, if so, how do you feel you have benefited?

When you talk about being alone, do you mean both IRL and online? Do you have an easier time making online friends, such as people to chat to on discord/etc., or is it the same situation as it is IRL? Do you at least have hobbies you can share with other peoplle, like dungeons and dragons? Or are your hobbies strictly individualist and you share little interest in group or partner activity?

OP, unless you truly feel you will be happier that way, you do not have to decide that you are going to be alone your whole life at 20 years old. There exist in the world so many ways and methods to get around anxiety - therapy, medication - and additionally so many ways to meet so many endless types of peoeple. In this huge world of billions of people, there is surely at least one person toy will get on with.

And in the world of the internet, there are nearly infinite ways to meet new people. To list a few: dating apps (plenty of people looking for friends only on those), hobbyist sites (Dungeons & Dragons looking for members to join their campaign), comic cons (peoeple looking for friends who share their interest in shows, anime, etc.), pride events (people looking to join the LGBT scene and meet others who relate to them), etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on. And you have the whole world wide web to start searching.

And even if you're not quite ready to meet people IRL just yet, penpals exist. People who are happy to just chat to each other online. This forum itself probably has people who DM each other and may eventually meet IRL... or choose not to because they are perfectly happy to chat online. Heck, I am one of those people. I don't have any penpals here yet, but I'd be happy to chat to people who would like to talk to me and I've had many, many years of online friends (some I've now met IRL!) who I only spoke to over the internet.

However, all of this said, I don't patronise you, OP. I know anxiety can truly be crippling and I know you have said you went through abuse during your formative years. And I also depression can make it very hard to even have the energy to make friends, never mind remain in contact with them. It can be a very, very slow process. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck with it and am sending good vibes your way. Also, imagine I've given you a forum hug emoji, as I don't get have the privileges to do it myself.
 
E

Emotinium

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Feb 20, 2019
Messages
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#4
Thank you for your reply.

I’m not really panicking, but I am more very gloomy and depressed about it. And in this current state I won’t be meeting new people anyway, because my negative symptoms comouflage my good ones.

I really lost the purpose in life. I feel like I can’t take of myself and that’s one the reasons I hate myself. I want to be normal, but I can’t. I always have to let people down, because I’m not feeling well. I’m sick and tired of it. I feel emotionally like a zombie + 1 reason I hate myself. I’m just very disapointed in myself... I don’t see what’s so nice in this world. I can’t enjoy anything because there is a constant blanket around me of me feeling bad.

I don’t have faith, but I do have certein views on life which sometimes comes from religions and I’m fine with that.
 
E

Emotinium

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Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
42
Location
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#5
Hello, OP.

I'd like to start by saying I'm so very sorry you faced domestic violence at home. I know me sayign that doesn't change that. And I know me saying that doesn't fix the damage it caused. But still, I want to offer my condolences, because domestic violence is horrifically cruel and nobody should have to go through it.

If you are okay with talking about it, may I ask how long you have attended therapy and what type of therapy you are receiving? E.g., CBT, general talking therapy, etc.? Have you had the same therapist all this time or have you had different therapists over the months/year(s)? Do you find your therapy sessions to be helpful at all and, if so, how do you feel you have benefited?

When you talk about being alone, do you mean both IRL and online? Do you have an easier time making online friends, such as people to chat to on discord/etc., or is it the same situation as it is IRL? Do you at least have hobbies you can share with other peoplle, like dungeons and dragons? Or are your hobbies strictly individualist and you share little interest in group or partner activity?

OP, unless you truly feel you will be happier that way, you do not have to decide that you are going to be alone your whole life at 20 years old. There exist in the world so many ways and methods to get around anxiety - therapy, medication - and additionally so many ways to meet so many endless types of peoeple. In this huge world of billions of people, there is surely at least one person toy will get on with.

And in the world of the internet, there are nearly infinite ways to meet new people. To list a few: dating apps (plenty of people looking for friends only on those), hobbyist sites (Dungeons & Dragons looking for members to join their campaign), comic cons (peoeple looking for friends who share their interest in shows, anime, etc.), pride events (people looking to join the LGBT scene and meet others who relate to them), etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on. And you have the whole world wide web to start searching.

And even if you're not quite ready to meet people IRL just yet, penpals exist. People who are happy to just chat to each other online. This forum itself probably has people who DM each other and may eventually meet IRL... or choose not to because they are perfectly happy to chat online. Heck, I am one of those people. I don't have any penpals here yet, but I'd be happy to chat to people who would like to talk to me and I've had many, many years of online friends (some I've now met IRL!) who I only spoke to over the internet.

However, all of this said, I don't patronise you, OP. I know anxiety can truly be crippling and I know you have said you went through abuse during your formative years. And I also depression can make it very hard to even have the energy to make friends, never mind remain in contact with them. It can be a very, very slow process. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck with it and am sending good vibes your way. Also, imagine I've given you a forum hug emoji, as I don't get have the privileges to do it myself.
Thanks for your reply.

Well, I have accepted my past. But characteristic wise it has hurt me my whole life.

I do therapy for over 2 years twice a week. No fantastic results. I tried a lot of different forms including the ones you named up. Have had a few different ones, but I just feel like they don’t understand what my problems are.

I talk sometimes to people from the internet and it nice sometimes, but I prefer contact in real life. I have hobbies, but I feel like I suck at them.

No I don’t think I would happier on my own, but it may be the best thing to do. I don’t want to be reconized as someone which is mentally unstable and I don’t want to make someone unhappy with my problems. And I have nothing to offer physically too, I have no job, no school etc.
 
L

Lockpon

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Joined
May 23, 2019
Messages
63
Location
UK
#6
EDIT: My original post was littered with mistakes I've now fixed. I sincerely apologise for the repost. I should have more carefully proofread. I will report my original post to try to get it removed. I cannot stand seeing so many errors in my post and I apologise to the trouble I cause any moderator(s) with this mishap.
-------

Hello, OP.

I'd like to start by saying I'm so very sorry you faced domestic violence at home. I know me saying that doesn't change what happened. And I also know me acknowledging it t doesn't fix the damage it caused. But still, I want to offer you my condolences, because domestic violence is horrifically cruel and nobody should have to go through it.

If you are okay with talking about it, may I ask how long you have attended therapy and what type of therapy you are receiving (and possibly have received in the past)? E.g., CBT, general talking therapy, etc.? Have you had the same therapist all this time or have you had different therapists over the months/year(s) you attended sessions? Do you find your current therapy sessions to be helpful at all and, if so, how do you feel you have benefited from them?

When you talk about being alone, do you mean both IRL and online? Do you have an easier time making online friends, such as people to chat to on discord/skype/etc., or is it the same situation as it is IRL? Do you at least have hobbies you can share with other people, like Dungeons & Dragons? Or are your hobbies strictly done on your own and you share little interest in group or partner activity?

OP, unless you truly feel you will be happier that way, you don't have to decide that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life at 20 years old. In the world, there exists so many ways and methods to get around anxiety - therapy, medication - and additionally so many ways to meet so many endless types of people. In this huge world of billions of humans, there is surely at least one person who you will get on with.

And in the world of the internet, there are nearly infinite ways to meet new people advertised online. To list a few: dating apps (plenty of people looking for friends only on those), hobbyist sites (Dungeons & Dragons looking for members to join their campaign), Comic Cons (people looking for friends who share their interest in shows, anime, etc.), pride events (people looking to join the LGBT scene and meet others who relate to them), etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on. And you have the whole World Wide Web to start searching.

And even if you're not quite ready to meet people IRL just yet, online penpals exist. I.e., people who are happy to just chat to each other online either via IM or through DMs. This forum itself probably has people who DM each other regularly and may eventually meet IRL... or choose not to because they are perfectly happy to just chat online. Heck, I am one of those people. I don't have any penpals here yet, but I'd be happy to start chatting to someone here who would like to DM me. I've also had many, many years of online friends (some I've now met IRL!) who I only spoke to over the internet as well.

However, all of this said, I don't want to patronise you, OP. I know anxiety can truly be crippling and I know you have said you went through domestic abuse during your formative years - something which has probably left a toll on you that I cannot imagine. And I also know that depression can make it very hard to even have the energy to make friends, never mind remain in contact with them. Thus, all this can be a very, very slow process. Regardless though, know that there is hope and I wish you the best of luck with making friends and am sending many good vibes your way. Also, imagine I've given you a forum hug emoji, as I don't yet have the privileges to do it myself.

Thanks for your reply.

Well, I have accepted my past. But characteristic wise it has hurt me my whole life.

I do therapy for over 2 years twice a week. No fantastic results. I tried a lot of different forms including the ones you named up. Have had a few different ones, but I just feel like they don’t understand what my problems are.

I talk sometimes to people from the internet and it nice sometimes, but I prefer contact in real life. I have hobbies, but I feel like I suck at them.

No I don’t think I would happier on my own, but it may be the best thing to do. I don’t want to be reconized as someone which is mentally unstable and I don’t want to make someone unhappy with my problems. And I have nothing to offer physically too, I have no job, no school etc.
If it's OK for me to probe, why do you feel they don't understand what your problems are?

It is possible to meet people IRL through talking online, there are even dating and friendship sites dedicated to them. How have your attempts on those sites gone, assuming you gsgr it s go?
 
L

Lockpon

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Joined
May 23, 2019
Messages
63
Location
UK
#7
assuming you gsgr it s go?
Urgh. *"gave it a go?" I really wish this site had an edit function that lasted for more than 5 minutes. I understand why and all but it's never failed to cause me irritation regardless.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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Messages
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#8
Urgh. *"gave it a go?" I really wish this site had an edit function that lasted for more than 5 minutes. I understand why and all but it's never failed to cause me irritation regardless.
:D I know...by the time I've proof-read my post, it's too late to change the typos!
 
R

R2Y5A0N2

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#9
I often feel the same, wondering if I'm ever going to find love and if anyone will be able to truly love me but as others have said, we're still young (I'm 24). Just gotta take each day as it comes and try and remain positive.
 
C

CEVRAM

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#10
Hello there
I'm experiencing something quite similar to what you are atm although my childhood wasn't nearly as harsh as yours, in fact, it was rather simplistic and peaceful yet I still turned out to be an heavily depressed and anxious individual as an adult with no clue about what to do with his life. This really grinds my gears since there is no logical reason for me to be struggling this badly in life as I have everything required to live confortably and am not entirely alone despite feeling like it. My family is here to support me but they, just like myself at this point, are starting to run out of hope and things definitely aren't looking bright for the future, near and distant alike. The thought of dragging more people with me down the pit of despair and misery which will inevitably happen if nothing changes in the next few years carries a heavy burden that is hard to live with on top of my already appauling mental condition.

Social life is a curse to me, something I'm unable to wrap my head around, I just can't deal with relationships and people, I always feel like no one likes or cares for me besides my closest family members and every attempt at breaking out of my crushing loneliness only ends up furthering my suffering due to me always feeling rejected and misunderstood. I don't think that I possess the ability to form deep emotional connections with anyone and the fact that I despise every single inch of myself, both physically and psychologically poses a massive barrier towards coming out as someone worth knowing and spending time with because naturally, I've became a pretty pessimistic person with a low tolerance for frustration and easily irritable. Not even online I can properly mask my absurdly hollow and uninteresting character, I really cannot hide who I truly am and how I feel so obviously having friendships of any kind seems like an impossibility. I've lost interest in pretty much everything, can't find enjoyment anywhere and there is nothing remotely likeable about my character or what surrounds it. I'm meant to be alone and live hidden from society, deep inside my own fantasy worlds where atleast I'm able to make good things happen and be someone who isn't a disgusting and worthless pile of flesh and bone. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm ok so that people don't reject me as blatantly. I have zero self appreciation or self esteem left in my tank, it can't drop any lower than this.

I can't give you any decent advice, wish I could but one thing is certain, I know what you're dealing with and just how terribly soul wrecking it can be. I will, as many other people in here do, make myself available if you need someone to chat with who understands the intricate ways in which mental conditions such as anxiety and depression mess with us that seem invisible to non sufferers.
 
E

Emotinium

Active member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
42
Location
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#11
EDIT: My original post was littered with mistakes I've now fixed. I sincerely apologise for the repost. I should have more carefully proofread. I will report my original post to try to get it removed. I cannot stand seeing so many errors in my post and I apologise to the trouble I cause any moderator(s) with this mishap.
-------

Hello, OP.

I'd like to start by saying I'm so very sorry you faced domestic violence at home. I know me saying that doesn't change what happened. And I also know me acknowledging it t doesn't fix the damage it caused. But still, I want to offer you my condolences, because domestic violence is horrifically cruel and nobody should have to go through it.

If you are okay with talking about it, may I ask how long you have attended therapy and what type of therapy you are receiving (and possibly have received in the past)? E.g., CBT, general talking therapy, etc.? Have you had the same therapist all this time or have you had different therapists over the months/year(s) you attended sessions? Do you find your current therapy sessions to be helpful at all and, if so, how do you feel you have benefited from them?

When you talk about being alone, do you mean both IRL and online? Do you have an easier time making online friends, such as people to chat to on discord/skype/etc., or is it the same situation as it is IRL? Do you at least have hobbies you can share with other people, like Dungeons & Dragons? Or are your hobbies strictly done on your own and you share little interest in group or partner activity?

OP, unless you truly feel you will be happier that way, you don't have to decide that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life at 20 years old. In the world, there exists so many ways and methods to get around anxiety - therapy, medication - and additionally so many ways to meet so many endless types of people. In this huge world of billions of humans, there is surely at least one person who you will get on with.

And in the world of the internet, there are nearly infinite ways to meet new people advertised online. To list a few: dating apps (plenty of people looking for friends only on those), hobbyist sites (Dungeons & Dragons looking for members to join their campaign), Comic Cons (people looking for friends who share their interest in shows, anime, etc.), pride events (people looking to join the LGBT scene and meet others who relate to them), etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on. And you have the whole World Wide Web to start searching.

And even if you're not quite ready to meet people IRL just yet, online penpals exist. I.e., people who are happy to just chat to each other online either via IM or through DMs. This forum itself probably has people who DM each other regularly and may eventually meet IRL... or choose not to because they are perfectly happy to just chat online. Heck, I am one of those people. I don't have any penpals here yet, but I'd be happy to start chatting to someone here who would like to DM me. I've also had many, many years of online friends (some I've now met IRL!) who I only spoke to over the internet as well.

However, all of this said, I don't want to patronise you, OP. I know anxiety can truly be crippling and I know you have said you went through domestic abuse during your formative years - something which has probably left a toll on you that I cannot imagine. And I also know that depression can make it very hard to even have the energy to make friends, never mind remain in contact with them. Thus, all this can be a very, very slow process. Regardless though, know that there is hope and I wish you the best of luck with making friends and am sending many good vibes your way. Also, imagine I've given you a forum hug emoji, as I don't yet have the privileges to do it myself.


If it's OK for me to probe, why do you feel they don't understand what your problems are?

It is possible to meet people IRL through talking online, there are even dating and friendship sites dedicated to them. How have your attempts on those sites gone, assuming you gsgr it s go?
I feel like that because I often don’t how how to explain where I exactly suffer from. In the beginning it was mostly anxiety, but now anxiety is a bit lower (still there and effects my daily a lot) my other problems comes above. I just feel very bad all the time lately and very restless.

I don’t see myself going on datingsites, because I feel horrible, I think so negative about myself and my life is a real mess. All the stuff I’ve been through have destroyed my self confidence.
 
E

Emotinium

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Messages
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#12
I often feel the same, wondering if I'm ever going to find love and if anyone will be able to truly love me but as others have said, we're still young (I'm 24). Just gotta take each day as it comes and try and remain positive.
True, but it’s just the thing that in my current state I’ll be alone no doubt. I’m losing hope and faith in myself. I try to motivate me, but it’s really tricky to stay that way if you feel like this for so long.
 
E

Emotinium

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Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
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#13
Hello there
I'm experiencing something quite similar to what you are atm although my childhood wasn't nearly as harsh as yours, in fact, it was rather simplistic and peaceful yet I still turned out to be an heavily depressed and anxious individual as an adult with no clue about what to do with his life. This really grinds my gears since there is no logical reason for me to be struggling this badly in life as I have everything required to live confortably and am not entirely alone despite feeling like it. My family is here to support me but they, just like myself at this point, are starting to run out of hope and things definitely aren't looking bright for the future, near and distant alike. The thought of dragging more people with me down the pit of despair and misery which will inevitably happen if nothing changes in the next few years carries a heavy burden that is hard to live with on top of my already appauling mental condition.

Social life is a curse to me, something I'm unable to wrap my head around, I just can't deal with relationships and people, I always feel like no one likes or cares for me besides my closest family members and every attempt at breaking out of my crushing loneliness only ends up furthering my suffering due to me always feeling rejected and misunderstood. I don't think that I possess the ability to form deep emotional connections with anyone and the fact that I despise every single inch of myself, both physically and psychologically poses a massive barrier towards coming out as someone worth knowing and spending time with because naturally, I've became a pretty pessimistic person with a low tolerance for frustration and easily irritable. Not even online I can properly mask my absurdly hollow and uninteresting character, I really cannot hide who I truly am and how I feel so obviously having friendships of any kind seems like an impossibility. I've lost interest in pretty much everything, can't find enjoyment anywhere and there is nothing remotely likeable about my character or what surrounds it. I'm meant to be alone and live hidden from society, deep inside my own fantasy worlds where atleast I'm able to make good things happen and be someone who isn't a disgusting and worthless pile of flesh and bone. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm ok so that people don't reject me as blatantly. I have zero self appreciation or self esteem left in my tank, it can't drop any lower than this.

I can't give you any decent advice, wish I could but one thing is certain, I know what you're dealing with and just how terribly soul wrecking it can be. I will, as many other people in here do, make myself available if you need someone to chat with who understands the intricate ways in which mental conditions such as anxiety and depression mess with us that seem invisible to non sufferers.
‘Good’ to hear that I am not alone this, although nobody deserves to suffer this way. But one thing that’s hard is that there isn’t one specific key to feel good again. It feels like a endless journey.
 
E

Emotinium

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#14
I actually could appreciate a lot it if I could speak to someone right now. I feel really horrible atm which is triggered by terrific dream last night, but I don’t feel well to post that here right in the open..
 
R

R2Y5A0N2

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#15
True, but it’s just the thing that in my current state I’ll be alone no doubt. I’m losing hope and faith in myself. I try to motivate me, but it’s really tricky to stay that way if you feel like this for so long.
Please don't lose hope, even though it is hard at times. Things can and will get better I'm sure of it :)
 
C

CEVRAM

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#16
‘Good’ to hear that I am not alone this, although nobody deserves to suffer this way. But one thing that’s hard is that there isn’t one specific key to feel good again. It feels like a endless journey.
This is true for sure and its been that way for both of us. Happiness is the biggest of jackpots and some people might gamble on it for many years and never win the first prize. I know what is like for one to deeply hate themselves and this is perhaps the main contributing factor for loneliness and isolation since well, if we don't like our own person, how can we firmly believe that anyone else will? Its a major confidence and self esteem killer.
 
R

R2Y5A0N2

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#17
This is true for sure and its been that way for both of us. Happiness is the biggest of jackpots and some people might gamble on it for many years and never win the first prize. I know what is like for one to deeply hate themselves and this is perhaps the main contributing factor for loneliness and isolation since well, if we don't like our own person, how can we firmly believe that anyone else will? Its a major confidence and self esteem killer.
To quote the late & great Whitney Houston, "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all".
 
C

CEVRAM

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#18
Btw, if nothing else seems to help right now, keep posting on this forum because here you'll always have someone to talk with who understands your struggles.
 
C

CEVRAM

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#19
To quote the late & great Whitney Houston, "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all".
Without a doubt because when one loves themselves no challenge is too big to be conquered and no adversity is too damaging to recover from while on the opposite side, anything can be a source of distress, frustration and pain and the ability to cope with it is greatly impaired.
 
R

R2Y5A0N2

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#20
Without a doubt because when one loves themselves no challenge is too big to be conquered and no adversity is too damaging to recover from while on the opposite side, anything can be a source of distress, frustration and pain and the ability to cope with it is greatly impaired.
That's very true, all we can do is focus on being the best versions of ourselves :)
 

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