I talk too much for people

qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#1
I just don't follow norms...

All my friends have jobs and they don't respond all the time because they are too busy, though they read my emails. I struggle between being myself and writing a lot, versus being polite or conforming.
 
Tired Daisy

Tired Daisy

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2016
Messages
12,141
Location
5,437 miles from Hollywood
#2
I was thinking this morning that maybe I spoke to much... People avoid me like the plague. I never hear from people again after meeting them but yet they never seem to say anything they just pretend to be my friends and then they are gone.

I've quit trying to make friends. I'm just going to do things on my own and that's all I can do I can help who I am.

I'm going to be selfish and not care about anybody else now.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#3
Emailing a lot vs too much

It's been hard for me because since I am on disability and don't work, and am working on my mental health, I have writing lots of emails to people in addition to blogging. Writing to other people has been way more helpful than writing on my own for some days, so I give in to it. But sometimes people don't reply, which makes me feel bad, and one friend asked me to keep a limit of 5 per day to him, which I thought was a little male and snotty of him even though I can understand too.

It's hard because I think in part it is part of a larger pattern of low self esteem for me, in which I invite rejection, but I need connection connection connection right now, maybe this is what they call frantic efforts to avoid abandonment for bpd people.

I have a lot of problems with relationships now, I used to suck everything up and suffer so i would still have friends, but now I am acting more from the inside and it is scary to see people's reaction to me change and to negotiate new boundaries and culture.

Thank you so much for replying. A lot of these social problems are very hard for me.
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,090
Location
Afar
#4
im shy and distant when i first meet people, then when i get too comfortable im overly clingy which pushes everyone away, but i just expect everyone to leave now so it doesnt hurt as much
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#5
I feel most connected to people when I talk about myself and they talk about themselves, but lately it has become this pattern where I am just talking about myself and they are listening to comfort me. And then I ask about themselves but they don't want to talk about it, so the relationships gets unbalanced. Then I feel forced to suck up to them for 'comforting' me, but I am sick now of the connection games and don't feel like sucking up anymore, especially to 'strong unemotional males'.

I feel like men have disproportionately high self esteem and women disproportionately low. It's unfair, it bothers me.
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,090
Location
Afar
#6
i do the same, always talk about myself, without really meaning too, any subject i somehow turn towards me and sometimes i realise it and feel stupid
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#7
Thank you so much for talking with me. I am resisting the urge to overtalk my friends. I grew up with a very doting mother and I think while I detox a little by not talking to her I miss the constant attention and interaction. It was sometimes a little much when I was around her but now I feel the absence. At the same time I feel no urge to talk to her right now, I would have to be really desperate.

This is helping me analyze my feelings of loneliness. I think I just suffer from loneliness more than other people and they don't feel the urge so they don't care.
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,090
Location
Afar
#8
my mum was pretty opposite, i hardly remember her ever being around as a kid, but when she was she was usually stressed and angry so i never properly bonded with her cos i was mostly scared of her

i used to prefer being alone until i felt what true connection and being cared about was like so now i crave it all the time too

i think feeling alone is more constant and intense in bpd than 'normal' people
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#9
Your mother sounds like my Dad, right now I am having some recreation of my past and projecting with rejection experiences from males who represent my father in some way.

It is ironic, my real father is much more loving and stable and less distant with me than he was up until a few years ago, but I am still shaped into a form of being rejected and needy, so Iam working through the past by bringing it into my life now.

I used to like being alone too, I think maybe you remind me of me. I think there is a lot to the law of attraction, I feel like I create old situations simply because I am shaped that way.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#10
I was talking to a father figure former coworker a lot and right now because he asked me to limit my emails to five a day I started to write much less to him and be more conservative and rationality minded.

But it is like there is a crying bleeding inner child inside of me that never got fully addressed and that is what I am trying to fix now.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#11
Introspection, flaws

One thing happening with me now is that I am starting to be ok with my flaws and having them around others, like talking too much.

As far as talking about myself, I feel like it is a little unfair because i consider it introspection and I love hearing about others' introspective thoughts and I consider it vulnerability and openness and closeness, but some people take it as me just talking about myself as if it is selfish. To me it is not at all.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#12
I kind of resent it when people seem to take my introspection as selfish or talking about myself. I ask them about them but they don't want to share. So what am I supposed to do.
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,090
Location
Afar
#13
my dad wasnt much better, both my parents were abusive in different ways,my mum is still in my life, my dad hasnt been for years, he doesnt care about me, so i look for father figures in every man too, i have around 3 at the moment, i just find it comforting to have one, i think around them im more child like than with anyone else because of it

the selfish label has always stuck with me as my mum called me it a lot, but even doing the simplest self care things i feel guilty because her words just replay in my head
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#14
It is gratifying talking to you like this. I hate it with all these males, they don't seem to value my vulnerability with them.

At least my relationship with my real father is changing.

Your self deprecating style is sweet and helps me and you can be more confident with me too, not only because I relate to you but because I will not be like your mom, my mother was always putting me down and I think it is because as a woman she was taught to be modest and submissive.

My friend's dad committed suicide and I told him I feel guilty like my energy and karma got involved and now he is starting to attack me as selfish for making it about me.

So you are helping me reinforce my own resonance in the relationship with him, especially as my bpd dx comes from a suicide attempt in 2007.

In the past I would have backed down immediately to my friend but I am different now and also kind of feel like I am correct.

What I would like to get out of my interaction with my friend is to be authentic and become closer with him for it and more equal, it has always been a sort of one sided relationship where he was my safe zone.

The thing is that I have lost some friends in a blink of an eye and by speaking up I am taking a risk, but I think it is worth it and I am ok with risk now.

But talking to you helps reinforce my side and my own identity a lot, my competitive and demure mother controlled me so much that that is why I tried to commit suicide. I had no room for me.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#15
I think that probably this interaction will also reshape you in good ways :)
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#16
Symbiosis, mutualism, predation, etc.

There are all kinds of relationships and especially as I am older I have started to need or look for less mentorship and feel that I need more symbiotic and equal peer relationships, as well as mentoring other people.

But a lot of my relationships have been very unequal to me, people taking a top down stance over me, and I have gotten a little tired of it.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
#17
When I am introspective I do as a form of connection and letting people into my private space so I can get offended when they don't value me emotionally or intellectually I guess
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,090
Location
Afar
#18
my mum was/ still is the same as yours, she forces her own ideas and how she thinks onto me, if i want to change up my look for example to feel more confident even if it is just simply styling my hair or trying make up one day she has to have a say and its usually negative, she brings up the selfish label cos apparently wanting to look and feel good about yourself is a bad thing, well to her anyway

all my friendships are unbalanced too, but i find it hard to keep the ones that are balanced because i guess its weird to me and im not used to it