- Aug 22, 2018
thinking about everything I was able to resist in life. I thought about how well I resist sex and women, fed my ego and congratulated myself on being a 24 year old virgin by choice (I can see jokes coming challenging this statement but it’s okay.) As a result I felt so confident that I imagined resisting future temptations like it’s nothing. Suddenly afterwards I experienced feelings of weakness and vivid thoughts of actually hitting on a girl and being persistent enough to violate her (which I would never do) I told myself not to take those thoughts seriously but they became stronger each time I repeated it. Eventually, I brushed it off and told myself “I can dismiss these thoughts if I want to. I’m not capable of shit ” Feeding my ego more. I then finished breakfast, wiped my plate and immediately after I began wiping it, I thought about smashing it to the ground and along with the thought, I felt a powerful urge to act on it as well. I let the thought and feeling manifest and stood still the entire time wiping the plate like it was nothing. The end result of all of this was me being afraid I lost my mind, a mild but painful headache and ensuing myself that I was sorry for overthinking so deeply and almost going ballistic at home. This is something I was afraid to tell my roommates because I know how crazy this sounds and I would’ve been admitted to a mental hospital.