• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I self harmed for the second time *may trigger*

R

Ribbons in our hair

New member
Joined
May 20, 2015
Messages
1
I have fantasized all my life about self harm. Daydreaming about it, paired with making myself purge daily, seemed to be enough to control my desire to actually do it when I was younger.

Here I am though, now 20, into adulthood. I got a hold of my bulimia and haven't purged in 3 years. I always knew my depression would go on forever however, but I still hoped it would be gone by now. In stead I've developed a serious addiction to daydreaming about self harming. I've had suicidal thoughts forever also, so it really depended on the day as to the seriousness of my fantasized self harm. With age my desire grew and grew, it became the thought that occupied my brain the most. Picturing it, imagining the pain and what it might feel like afterwards, both physically and mentally. It became my secret obsession.

My main reason for not doing it when I was a teenager, and going through potentially the most stressful time of my life to date, was because I desperately didn't want to be one of those girls. I didn't want to have to hide my arms, for people to know and think I had only done it to gain attention. A secondary but still valid reason was that I can't stand gore, I can't watch horrors and I was scared of the pain. I lived a fairly sheltered life as far as broken bones as a kid go. I was never the kid jumping out of trees or learning to do bike tricks.

One night my entire family had an argument that went on all night long. I had never felt like my life was so hopeless. In a very bland version of a very complex life long dilemma, my dad had a brain tumour, my mum quit her nursing job and became his full-time carer, I effectively grew up in a hospital where my dad was the only patient and, just factually, he was going to die a horrible death in my home slowly over my first 8 years of life.

When I was 10 my mum then got with a psychotic depressive man who I hate, and no matter how he treats me or what he does, I don't care, my two little brothers however, I would die to protect them from his mind games and their serious mental consequences. This fight night I was finally more honest than my family had ever known me, and let's just say I had next to nothing positive to say. The fight went nowhere. It improved nothing. It only confirmed the hate I kept hidden inside because I so desperately didn't want them to react the way they did and I knew they would to the truth of the life they had put us through. I spent 10 years killing myself slowly on the inside because I was so terrified of exactly what was confirmed that night.

I don't know if what I did can really be called self harm. I was washing the dishes at about 5am crying so hard I thought I could die from heartbreak right there on the kitchen floor. I held implements in my hands caressing them, daydreaming, like every time I washed up. This time I began mildly self harming, I began light but I did worse gradually. I had stopped crying when doing it but once I had a result I cried just as hard as I had before. I continued the washing up until done. And went to bed. What scared me so much that I wanted to purge was that it was so easy. It was nothing like what I expected, in fact it was too easy it wasn't enough like my fantasies. I planned on picking up where I left off the next night.

I didn't. That was 4 months ago, I got a hold of myself, and I moved out. We're now up to date, this week to be precise. Needless to say my family problems are still there, just with a couple extras rolled in. I made myself throw up for the first time in 3 years this week and self harmed for the second time ever. I just feel angry. At everything. I am so angry at myself. And equally as angry with the whole world. Not that you would ever tell from the outside. I know how to look so genuinely happy, I'd be the last person anyone would guess is going through this. It's just, I have a ball coming up next week and I'm having to get a second dress with sleeves because now I'm that girl who needs to hide her arm. I work in the outdoors on a kids centre as a kayak and canoeing instructor, it gets hot and sunny sometimes, I have done already, but at some point I'm gonna slip up and take my jumper off forgetting what I've done and somebody's gonna notice and think "ugh, she's one of those". The scars from my first time that by themself can be so easily overlooked, even if you were looking for them are now made so much more obvious by these new additions. I'm just so angry.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,717
Location
Lancashire
Hello Ribbons, and welcome to the forum. You actually are using self harm and dreaming of it to express your anger. I would strongly suggest that you find some therapy, it can really help. It sounds expensive but its about £35 an hour and you will find it so supporting. If you can't afford it, then ask the GP.

You have a lot of pain to deal with, that is clear and you need somewhere to express all that. Self harm is a symptom of something underneath. It works in the very short term, but eventually you are left with just scars and the same feelings. I self harmed (have again about a month ago) and I just have to walk around with my scars. Actually, few people notice. If they do, just say that you had a really terrible time once in your life. If they can't handle that, are they friends?

I have removed all words associated with self harm as its not permitted on the forum honey. Please use words, Self harm and not any implements you might use. There are good reasons for this. Thank you. xxx
 
Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2013
Messages
914
Location
Lincolnshire
Hey ribbons,
I'm sorry for your pain and anguish, I really am x are you seeking help for the bulimia/ self harm? I strongly urge that you do. Self harm is addictive and habit forming, it feeds a cycle of self abuse and self loathing. I know that only too well.
You speak of people who self harm as 'one of them people' the fact is anybody can be one of those people - professionals, young, old and every thing in between. I've learnt that it's nothing to be ashamed of, I mean I wouldn't go showing off my scars purposely but they are part of me, my war wounds, my pain with life just shown on the outside xxx
Please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe x the forum is great, you'll get a lot of support here xxx
 
Top