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I self harmed Badly Last Night, When I Was Drunk

G

Gee93

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*sighhh* unfortunately, I went to town on my arm last night after drinking a bottle of vodka. I self harmed approx 15-18 times. Luckily, they weren't too deep.. but they are going to scar. After I woke up this morning, I was horrified by what I done and wish I didn't do it. I'm no stranger to hurting myself in the past, but I think this time was quite extreme, even for me. I'm deeply ashamed of this and I'm quite shocked, even for my standards. I was smashed and wasn't in control.

I feel much better today, ironically, but as I said I'm quite hurt mentally that I did that to myself/my life has come to this. I think the solution is to not get drunk for awhile/again, but I still struggle sober and have self harmed many times sober in the past. I'm just so angry and hurt at the hand I've been dealt and the problems I've had to deal with in my 27 years. Theirs so many, its not fair :( Even though I regret what I done, I understand why I did it.

I missed my telephone appointment with a counsellor, last week and they want me to rebook.. but I don't want too. My mom unfortunately knows about my struggles and thinks I should speak to him/her. My ego is like I'll get better myself and I can get through this on my own.. but on the other side of the coin its like okay, I might actually need help. It might seem hypocritical, but I get bored of talking about my mental struggles over and over again. I don't mind venting on this site, but in terms of real life, it bores me and what exactly are they going to do to make my life better. Wave a magic wand? I don't think so. So yeh, I still might rebook. It is the logical thing to do.. but I don't really want to do.

Am I freaked out by last nights episode? 100%. I'm going to have a badly scarred arm to show for it, on top of my badly scarred hand. Luckily for me, I don't drink that often (2-3 times a month) and I'm planning to have a long break from it, But as I said, I still struggle mentally sober. Usually when I drink with a pal or my dad, I get tipsy but not too drunk. That went out the window yesterday, most of drank/been drunk for a long time and its going to stay that way as well!

I'm going to wait for my arm and throat to recover patiently and make sure I never do it again! I hope I don't anyway, I really really do :( Considering all the depression/negativity I've had to go through, I'm very very very surprised I haven't gone into psychiatric ward yet (I've been close a couple times) or even worse.. killed myself.
 
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Tawny

Tawny

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My mental health started to pick up speed just before i turned 30.

Is your life stressful?

I feel like you must have been unwell before you started to have a drink, to cope with that, but it didn't help and made things worse?

Please keep writing and hopefully we can help you get sorted and get some treatment too. Life doesn't have to be this way, there is a lot of help out there.

My CPN used to say to me that drinking increases the risk of suicide. We do things we wouldn't normally do. It makes people more impulsive.

If you can throw away right now anything that you use to self harm, that is an important start.

Have you cleaned the wounds and made sure they won't get infected? That is important.

Scars will fade but you don't want anymore. You don't want to risk self harming in the wrong place because you may end up not being about to use your hand or fingers or could bleed an extreme amount.

You will get better, you are clearly suffering right now and need help. The counsellor sounds like a good start. Is it via the GP?
 
G

Gee93

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Apr 9, 2021
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Location
United Kingdom
My mental health started to pick up speed just before i turned 30.

Is your life stressful?

I feel like you must have been unwell before you started to have a drink, to cope with that, but it didn't help and made things worse?

Please keep writing and hopefully we can help you get sorted and get some treatment too. Life doesn't have to be this way, there is a lot of help out there.

My CPN used to say to me that drinking increases the risk of suicide. We do things we wouldn't normally do. It makes people more impulsive.

If you can throw away right now anything that you use to self harm, that is an important start.

Have you cleaned the wounds and made sure they won't get infected? That is important.

Scars will fade but you don't want anymore. You don't want to risk self harming in the wrong place because you may end up not being about to use your hand or fingers or could bleed an extreme amount.

You will get better, you are clearly suffering right now and need help. The counsellor sounds like a good start. Is it via the GP?
Sorry to hear about that and yeh, I've low key been unwell for quite awhile to be honest. My life is stressful, due to all of the problems I have to deal with. And he/she was right, it certainly does. I tried to commit suicide five years ago when I was drunk, but broke my wardrobe lol and yes, my mom is tending to them. It really sucks and is unfair on her to witness this kind of behaviour/injuries. Yep, I certainly won't be doing that anytime again soon/hopefully ever again. I actually swallowed my pride and got a new appointment booked, not for me but for my mom and healthy minds. Thank you for your message and kind words.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Gee93, the part about the psyche ward is important. Also the part about family knowing and about being sick of talking about it. Put all of these together with SH and you could end up in one against your wishes; would you want that?
Tawny said some very important things about potential damage beyond the skin deep stuff, this is serious territory and could effect the rest of your life.
Get the help, you can't keep doing this forever as clearly - which you've already found out it seems - it doesn't fix anything, it only adds more problems, more things to wish you didn't have in endless scars etc.
(I see from your second post you are going to get the help, that's good, we all need to start somewhere so well done for taking that step, now keep going so you can end up somewhere you actually want to be).
 
G

Gee93

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No, I wouldn't to be honest. I've tried my best to avoid going there, even when it was probably best if I did. I think I got lucky this time. Some embarrassing scars yes, but could of been worse. I feel like I've been given a second chance and I'm really shaken up by my actions, which I assume is a good thing. I know right, instead of 100 problems, it gives you 101 and new thing to get depressed about. Thank you for your post and advice, best of luck in your life also.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Hey, Gee93, and I apologise if I've asked you this before. Have you tried any DBT therapy? Even learning some skills on YouTube or a book? It can be so helpful when you're in that state of mind, but you need to be sober likely. I did permanently mess up tendons in my wrist into my hand, and it sucks. I also did go over the line a couple of times before I knew it, and put my life in danger, only realising too late how much I didn't want to die, esp that way. DBT is super helpful at bringing down the emotions before you resort to SH. Allow those who want to help to help you, and try to not be down on yourself for it, that only adds to feeling shame and guilt and all those emotions that are just not going to help us get better. I understand what you're saying, but it sounds like you do really need some help before you end up w more scars and possible damage beyond repair. I can say from experience that I wish I had done DBT long ago, it really works. You're in my thoughts, and I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how bad it can get.
 
G

Gee93

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Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
42
Location
United Kingdom
Hey, Gee93, and I apologise if I've asked you this before. Have you tried any DBT therapy? Even learning some skills on YouTube or a book? It can be so helpful when you're in that state of mind, but you need to be sober likely. I did permanently mess up tendons in my wrist into my hand, and it sucks. I also did go over the line a couple of times before I knew it, and put my life in danger, only realising too late how much I didn't want to die, esp that way. DBT is super helpful at bringing down the emotions before you resort to SH. Allow those who want to help to help you, and try to not be down on yourself for it, that only adds to feeling shame and guilt and all those emotions that are just not going to help us get better. I understand what you're saying, but it sounds like you do really need some help before you end up w more scars and possible damage beyond repair. I can say from experience that I wish I had done DBT long ago, it really works. You're in my thoughts, and I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how bad it can get.
Hello 2Much2Feel, I thought I recognised your name. Good to speak to you again, unfortunately under negative circumstances. I haven't, but I've just looked it up. I will talk to my councillor about it and look more into it. I'm sorry about your hand, I hope you can still use it/enjoy life in other areas. I know, thats a good point you made there. I've been saying how much I want to die for months/years and after last nights episode, I realize that I actually don't. Yeh, I finally bit the bullet and have an appointment next few weeks. I don't dislike myself either, I'm just p***** off with all these problems I've had to deal with. Thank for your nice message and concern. I hope all is well with yourself. I'm sad that its got to this really, but I'll be okay.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Hello 2Much2Feel, I thought I recognised your name. Good to speak to you again, unfortunately under negative circumstances. I haven't, but I've just looked it up. I will talk to my councillor about it and look more into it. I'm sorry about your hand, I hope you can still use it/enjoy life in other areas. I know, thats a good point you made there. I've been saying how much I want to die for months/years and after last nights episode, I realize that I actually don't. Yeh, I finally bit the bullet and have an appointment next few weeks. I don't dislike myself either, I'm just p***** off with all these problems I've had to deal with. Thank for your nice message and concern. I hope all is well with yourself. I'm sad that its got to this really, but I'll be okay.
You will be. We all need help along the way, and the anger from past abuse, etc. festers until we let it out. Even on here. But good for you, highly recommend you do look into it. I think it's saved my life, and I really hope it helps you!!
 
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