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I see no way to be happy, especially with myself

K

Kroovy

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Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
71
Location
United States
I sit in day in and day out angry. Depressed. Anxious. I do my best to just avoid seeing other people as I sit in envy of their existence. I am angry I was born as me. Ugly, mental issues out the rear end from depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, anger and explosive disorder. I sit here just angry at everything. Espdcially my face as of lately. Every part of my face is unideal and unattractive and it angers me. I can't stand it anymore. All I do is hope a hundred grand in surgeries can make me halfway decent, but even that I've lost hope on. So I sit here locked away in my room from wake til sleep, avoiding social media and television so I dont have to be reminded of how much better people are than me . It drives me insane, and makes me feel lonely. Makes me feel as if I'll never have someone look at me and want me, all because of who I was born as, my genetics I don't control, my bad habits growing up as a kid with no idea what things would do to me, and angry at my mother for not making me do what was best for me. On top of that before any of this I was just depressed anyway. Started hurting myself from the age of 12, also the first time I tried to take my own life. I dont know how I'm going to continue forward and live anymore, I can't get over how I look, and how people perceive me. I would rather just stay locked away and not wake up tomorrow.
Thank you for reading my rant.
 
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A

Aurelius

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
848
Welcome to the forum Kroovy. If you read around on the forum a bit, you will hopefully discover pretty fast that nobody is better than anyone else - some people just seem to be more fortunate, but it does not make them better than us.

Here it does not matter what we look like, no one sees us visually. You could say this is a place where we have the freedom to be who we are and who we choose to be (when that choice is possible). This is a good place to come if you want to lock yourself away in a place that is safe and where most people know or have known what it is like to not want to wake up tomorrow.

There are a lot of people who do not care what people look like on the outside. Two big problems are (1) believing it and (2) perhaps caring what people look like ourselves.
 
K

Kroovy

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
71
Location
United States
Welcome to the forum Kroovy. If you read around on the forum a bit, you will hopefully discover pretty fast that nobody is better than anyone else - some people just seem to be more fortunate, but it does not make them better than us.

Here it does not matter what we look like, no one sees us visually. You could say this is a place where we have the freedom to be who we are and who we choose to be (when that choice is possible). This is a good place to come if you want to lock yourself away in a place that is safe and where most people know or have known what it is like to not want to wake up tomorrow.

There are a lot of people who do not care what people look like on the outside. Two big problems are (1) believing it and (2) perhaps caring what people look like ourselves.
I just have always believed I've been ugly and I've used math and others opinions to prove that correct. When I was 8 I stopped allowing my mother to take my picture bc I said I was ugly.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
848
Did other people as you were growing up treat you as though you were ugly or was this just something you felt?
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
848
From your reply and your previous posts this seems to have more to do with the way you see yourself and how you feel about yourself, than how others see you and feel about you?

In most cases people will believe they are ugly or feel they are ugly based on the way they have been treated and the hurtful/abusive comments and feedback they have received throughout their childhood and adolescence. The memories, pain, anger and loss of confidence and self-esteem resulting from such experiences almost never disappear entirely. Which is why I asked about how you were treated when you were growing up.

'I just know I looked at my pictures and was disgusted' - was this around the age of 12 or earlier or later?
 
lifecangetbetter

lifecangetbetter

Former member
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
1,640
Location
miserable
I sit in day in and day out angry. Depressed. Anxious. I do my best to just avoid seeing other people as I sit in envy of their existence. I am angry I was born as me. Ugly, mental issues out the rear end from depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, anger and explosive disorder. I sit here just angry at everything. Espdcially my face as of lately. Every part of my face is unideal and unattractive and it angers me. I can't stand it anymore. All I do is hope a hundred grand in surgeries can make me halfway decent, but even that I've lost hope on. So I sit here locked away in my room from wake til sleep, avoiding social media and television so I dont have to be reminded of how much better people are than me . It drives me insane, and makes me feel lonely. Makes me feel as if I'll never have someone look at me and want me, all because of who I was born as, my genetics I don't control, my bad habits growing up as a kid with no idea what things would do to me, and angry at my mother for not making me do what was best for me. On top of that before any of this I was just depressed anyway. Started hurting myself from the age of 12, also the first time I tried to take my own life. I dont know how I'm going to continue forward and live anymore, I can't get over how I look, and how people perceive me. I would rather just stay locked away and not wake up tomorrow.
Thank you for reading my rant.
i know EXACTLY how you feel. i cant really watch tv shows cause i get so jealous of the actors and actresses, they are so happy and attractive and lead a good life. feels like i have a ball of fire in my stomach of pure anger. have you tried any medications?
 
S

Shelby1

Former member
I grew up being told I was ugly by guys and girls playing matchmaking pranks (with popular guys just to make fun of me), and spent a lot of time chasing guys who always liked other girls. I felt very bitter for a long time because of it. As I got older, I became more "attractive" I guess, but it's not it's cracked up to be. I became so disillusioned, and that feeling never goes away of feeling ugly no matter what. I realized suddenly people who made fun of me, suddenly wanted to be my friend, and guys suddenly were telling me they liked me and wanted to be with me, but it didn't matter. The reason why? Because I realized how shallow people were, and I started to focus so much on appearances, because I noticed the more attractive I was, the nicer people were to me. I started obsessing on symmetry, and my makeup and hair had to be perfect, and if it wasn't I would have a meltdown. I felt I couldn't trust other women. The more I became like "those" women, not just appearance, but their personality too...only more so. I was "out for blood" figuratively speaking. I became so ate up with perfection and appearance that I would isolate and stop taking care of my hygeine. I found it difficult to get up to brush my teeth or take a shower.

At 33 years old I have dentures bc of it. I'm actually a lot more confident in my natural appearance now in some ways. One thing I've learned is being cute is just as great as being hot. Being nice matters more. These are lessons I had to learn the hard way, but I do like who I am and am confident in my appearance. But focusing too much on those things will drive you mad, and turn you into everything you don't want to be. I started self harming when I was 12-13 too, and ended up dropping out of school. It's taken a very long time, but I know I've gotten better. As long as you focus on this stuff tho, you will never have a successful relationship, and you will never be beautiful as long as you envy. I have seen very beautiful people, who weren't what society deemed beautiful outwardly, but they had such amazing personalities they were so magnetic.

Personality is where it's at. Focus on that. One thing I try not to do is focus too much on the mirror. Sometimes it's best not to. I also focus more on hygiene and just trying to look my best. I may not look better than everybody, but at least it makes you feel good and more confident.
 
S

Shelby1

Former member
I still struggle with things like envy and all the other stuff, but the older I get it's a lot less. I think everyone struggles once in a while, but the difference is letting it control you.
 

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