I require help

[guest]

Hi,

Please can someone give a little of their advice. I have somehow managed to let myself get into a rut and now I am starting to really worry about what to do.

I am 42 years old, single, no children and I have social anxiety which prevents me going to work in the community. I have tried everything I can to overcome the phobia and have been to see a doctor and several psychologists and counsellors and I am now unemployed.

Where do I start, especially if I want to have a child, get married and a fulfilling career despite my age and everything?

I hope I'll get some replies.

 

[Dollit]

That's quite a lot to ask - smaller steps are often required before they turn into bigger steps. I think a good place to start is to look at small targets and aim for those. At the same time it's good to work on that our lives some times don't turn out the way we would want them to. Mine hasn't turned out any way like I thought it would but it's still a good life.

 

[intelgal]

I am in my mid twenties and I really thought by know I would have had things such as the relationship the house the children but it has not happened. Some days I ache for the the above but I am accepting that it may not happen but that it also may happen. I am starting to appreciate other things in life and I think that that this is a good place to start.

 

[Apotheosis]

Like Dollit says - small steps. I'm 35, & been living alone for 7 years. 20 years of severe mental illness; & the measure of the success of my life is in what I have dealt with & coped with. Of course I have dreams & how I would like things to be in the future; & nice house, fully self supporting, a family of my own, kids, travel the World, etc, etc, But if I don't get that "stuff"; well, it's not the be all & end all, getting those things isn't the measure of whether my life has been a success; the measure of success is in having dealt with what I have. What is that saying? -

The measure of a man is not in how well he succeeds in life; but how well he deals with failure.

 

[guest]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I suppose I am finding it difficult to know where to start since I have difficulty getting motivated and everything. This social phobia is something that really holds me back and since the psychologist can't help, I'm going to have to approach it somehow. It's something that has prevented me holding down jobs and socialising when I want to. I'm unsure about what small steps I can take and I am wondering if anyone else can advise something constructive.

 

[Dollit]

Try and remember that you are only in your mid twenties. I have a friend who didn't start having kids until they hit 38 - in fact a few friends who didn't have kids until their mid 30s. Life isn't a race and success isn't measure by how early you achieve things but the impact your achievements have. Things tend to happen when they're ready to happen. I know that can sound a little trite but it's also a little true!

 

[guest]

I put in my message that I'm 42 which is my age.

 

[Dollit]

Sorry I misread someone else's message - my apologies, I'm full of cold and medicated to the eyeballs!

 

[intelgal]

Think Dolit was replying to me.. I do feel like I am in this manic race at times!

 

[guest]

I think you probably got confused with the other post. Is there anyone else here who is i their 40's and hasn't got their lives sorted out and who would like to? In other words, is too late to want the same things as someone in their 30's?

 

[ms_P]

Hello Guest and welcome to the forum.
I'm 47 and have had those 'things' (marriage, children, big expensive house, new car, a carreer in electronics). I thought I was "set" with my life. I'd worked hard and got it all. Unfortunately I lost it all as well. A turn of events, loss of several loved ones, betrayal, etc etc etc.
They say it's better to have had it all and lost it, than to never have had it at all. I say try it!
Thanks to life long battles with mental illness, I'm left with just me now. I'm re-thinking what I need in life...if I'm to continue having one.
Dollit hit it right on the nose by saying small steps. It's the only way if there's to be any solid progress, any lasting results.
Why do you think those things are the only valid things to want and have? Do you think they will define who you are? I did. I was wrong.
What I need in life now is to help myself be the best I can and to have peace of mind knowing I did my best. I don't have to 'measure up' anymore to anyone else's norm of what a woman should be.
I realize I was flying high on trying to achieve what I thought society expected of me and it burned me out in the end.
Some things just weren't meant to be and it's my job to come to terms with all that in a positive way even if it takes me the rest of my life to do so.
Maybe I'm saying things you'd rather not hear, but this is my truth and maybe you can discover something about yourself in my story.