I really would need some advice

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NiniR30

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Joined
Jan 15, 2019
Messages
5
#1
Hello to everyone.. My name is nina and im new here...

Im in a very complicated relationship and stade of mind at the moment.. I would appreciate it if someone has some advice for me..
It might be a longer story but i want to explain to understand...
Im in a very happy relationship since 2 1/2 years now.. It started long distance wich was not very easy..my boyfriend is a very loving and caring but quiet person... Sometimes he would get upset about simple things and just the twrm when we are moving in did kind of scare him..i never pushed him since i ended a very hard relationship awhile ago.. And was not really ready.. But he saw me as who i was so i gave him my heart...
Now after 2 and a half years we decided to move on and he wanted me to move in.befor i visited him for a 2 month because his sister got married.. He even thought about getting married and buy a house over the next 2 years together.. Wich i found was nice because he didnt seem to like to talk about any future.. After i went back to plan my move i noticed i was pregnant.. Wich was not a good moment certainly.. And he was not really happy about it because we clearly would have nozlt enough space... But on the other side he got excited.. But sadly i lost it.. I had to deal with that loss on my own.. I was back in austria.. Just the thought i will be back in a few months and live with him made it easier to deal with.. . I did live in Austria and did move over all the way.. I did set everything up.. Went to the council and got my paper done.. Just the date for the plane was missing.. Wich he didn't want to confirm.. Because he wanted to pick me up.. Than he went quiet for weeks.. And i asked him what was the matter.. Many excuses came.. Until he literally exploded and it bursted out.. He doesn't want to live with anyone.. He doesn't even want to have anyone around him... A lot if crying and confusion on my side did follow-up.. Until he finally told me he has anxiety depression..
I just wanted him to be happy and support him when i did understand what was it.but also.. The thing with my miscarriage was hanging over me and is still turning me down.. Sometimes.. He promised me that time we work on it and we will be a happy family one day.. But i don't know if that is what he really wants...
Than he said.. I want you to come over and we try it. I dont want to lose you because of my thoughts and i security.... What should i say.. I moved over 3 months ago.. He piked me up.. The first month.. He was totally different and distant i didn't recognise him.. And at some point everything turned slowly back to normal. I did learn to give him. His space.. Be there for him.. And read the signs when he was dealing with himself.. Until a week ago.. After all that holiday stress and Christmas he was totally done. He is doing also quite a lot at the moment.. Studding and working double shifts.. And than.all of a sudden a few days agoe.he just freaked out.. Screaming.. Holding his head.. Saying.. That everything is to much vor him. He doesn't want to see me.. To see any person to even hear me breath or care for him..he doesn't like any humans. And also.. That he is not sure about me he is not sure about him ehat he even thinks he can't even think. The person who said he loved me and want to be with me. And wanted to get married doesn't actually want me.. I dont know what to believe.. What is the reality who is he.. Who did i fell in love with.. .... Than he started to get louder and shout out nasty things and jumped on the floor staying there whit out any movement... I was shocked and shaking.. Was it my fault.. I did try to help him up.. And said under tears if it is so bad being with me i go back than..just want you to be happy not said because of me...
As soon as i got him up.. He did grab me and hold on me really tight.. And. Said.. He never wants me to go. I should never say such things... .. I couldn't sleep the whole night.. I was sleeping still in his arms. But wide awake.. Confused of what to do.. He came home with flowers the next day.. And was so terrible sorry..
But what i want to know is.. Am i the trigger.. Does he really not want to be with me or live me... Is it true what he said in his anxiety attack.. What should i do. I feel so heavy at the moment and he is trying so hard.. He seem to be at the moment like he was before now.. When i left him.. But i don't know how to deal with it..
Sorry for the long confusing storry. But i was feeling like my head would explode soon.. It is so much to handle at the moment.. And i don't know where I'm at..
 
N

NorasDad

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Jan 15, 2019
Messages
145
#2
I have a similar issue:

When both my parents were dying, my girlfriend got pregnant. I was so happy. She was clearly not. Although we had been trying for 5 years, she didn't really acknowledge it. She didn't share with me her thoughts about getting pregnant, but since I knew she desperately wanted a child, I went along.

Almost immediately Partum Depression set in. Finally, she was so negative and hateful about her work mates (who are also her best friends) at a parents' group meeting that I knew I had a big problem on my hands and she needed help.

Soon thereafter she was bedridden for a month, leaving me to take care of our new baby. It was not fun.

So it sounds dramatic, but your situation is actually a pretty typical onset of depression. It SOUNDS like your man has realized he has these awful resentments all the time and they are preventing him from getting close to you - and others.

I am more the anxiety type. I don't really understand the depressed mind. No matter what, you will have to have help understanding his depressed mind.

He and you both as a couple must engage in therapy in my opinion. Him first. If he won't get therapy, then sadly I have to counsel you to set a date in your mind by which to leave him, imo. Don't tell him the date under any circumstances. He has to understand the pressure that his illness is putting on you.

I recommend he starts with some tests, some CBT therapy and you get a couples' counsellor right away.

I think escitalopram is the best drug to start with imo, BTW. It's not expensive and it has a low side-effect profile. Usually I've found the complaint is that people don't think it does much.
 
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N

NiniR30

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Jan 15, 2019
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#3
Thank you very much for the answer..
Well the problem is after i lost the baby everything seem to turn around with him.. He said.. It has nothing to do with it. And he was not ready anyway.. But he totally changed.. All the commitments seem to be gone and he a different cold person..

When he told me about his depression pared with anxiety.. I said. I want to be there for you.. Not leave you.. We might need to try a therapy and he got upset... He knows what he does is affecting me.. But he also doesn't want to go to therapy... It seems so easy for him to blame himself and say he is not good for me.. Or he doesn't know what he wants..

In the end. When he gets stressed and works to much he is sound engineer so he lives in his music world to.. Wich is also a reason i think he doesn't want to take any medication... Its hard with him.. I don't even know who is he now.. Or if he really loves me.. He seems to be so far away sometimes..
I wish he would goe in therapy.. Its taking its tool on me.. I couldn't even work on my loss of the baby.. And was just immediately confronted with his pain and anger..
 
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Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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#4
The medication is to decrease the symptoms of his depression. The therapy is to help heal the wound in the mind. It will be a process there will be setbacks but he can recover from this.
 
N

NiniR30

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Jan 15, 2019
Messages
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#5
I hope he is willing. He is a bit harsh about going to therapy. He doesn't really want. I know that that depression he has is a part of him.. And he said he doesn't need to be fixed he is he.. But i would like to have te person i met back..
 
N

NorasDad

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Messages
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#6
Thank you very much for the answer..
Well the problem is after i lost the baby everything seem to turn around with him.. He said.. It has nothing to do with it. And he was not ready anyway.. But he totally changed.. All the commitments seem to be gone and he a different cold person..

When he told me about his depression pared with anxiety.. I said. I want to be there for you.. Not leave you.. We might need to try a therapy and he got upset... He knows what he does is affecting me.. But he also doesn't want to go to therapy... It seems so easy for him to blame himself and say he is not good for me.. Or he doesn't know what he wants..

In the end. When he gets stressed and works to much he is sound engineer so he lives in his music world to.. Wich is also a reason i think he doesn't want to take any medication... Its hard with him.. I don't even know who is he now.. Or if he really loves me.. He seems to be so far away sometimes..
I wish he would goe in therapy.. Its taking its tool on me.. I couldn't even work on my loss of the baby.. And was just immediately confronted with his pain and anger..
For his OCD, your miscarriage was an unsolvable problem he HAD to solve. Since he can't solve it, it has to be your fault. I've thought this way in relationships. It's very common. It's also laughably foolish but don't tell him that. He has to simplify. You two are young people going through what young people go through, except that you had more trauma and for him the "volume" is turned up VERY LOUD.

So he needs to calm down, stop trying to fix everything, stop working 20 hours a day, accept that he's a young man learning the hard lesson that there's shit you can't fix in life, but you can got to the other side if you remember to love, listen and have empathy.

And I need to stop writing run on sentences but hey, this is an OCD forum.
 
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NiniR30

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Jan 15, 2019
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#7
For his OCD, your miscarriage was an unsolvable problem he HAD to solve. Since he can't solve it, it has to be your fault. I've thought this way in relationships. It's very common. It's also laughably foolish but don't tell him that. He has to simplify. You two are young people going through what young people go through, except that you had more trauma and for him the "volume" is turned up VERY LOUD.

So he needs to calm down, stop trying to fix everything, stop working 20 hours a day, accept that he's a young man learning the hard lesson that there's shit you can't fix in life, but you can got to the other side if you remember to love, listen and have empathy.

And I need to stop writing run on sentences but hey, this is an OCD forum.
That is so right.. We are not so mega young anymore.. He is getting 37 this year. And im 29.. But it seems so easy for him to tell me after that escalation he had recently.. That he is a bad person ans selfish.. Wich is not true at all.. Its just painful to see him like that.. Now he seems to be ok since a few days.. And trying so hard.. But still it will happen again.. Just a matter of trigger and time..he doesn't want to talk about future stuff it freaks him out. I wish he would goe to therapy.. I want to goe pretty soon and hope it makes me understand him better..but also help to deal with.. It makes my own mind crazy. I used to be so happy und spontaneous.. Now im. Just questioning everything and being sad and to thoughtful...
 
C

cbgrace1980

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Aug 10, 2018
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#8
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think that if he won't talk to a counselor, it would greatly benefit you to see one on your own to help you deal with these behaviors. It will make you a stronger person and you will feel better about everything. I hope things look up soon. You can be happy again!
 
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NiniR30

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Jan 15, 2019
Messages
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#9
Thank you very much cbgrace1980..

I have that in my mind to go.. So i can understand him better and deal with it. Recently im just watching myself questioning everything he does and says because im just scared. I wish to understand what is the real he.. It seems that he is lost in his thoughts and stuff al along the way.. I hope i get him back one day
 
N

NorasDad

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#10
Thank you very much cbgrace1980..

I have that in my mind to go.. So i can understand him better and deal with it. Recently im just watching myself questioning everything he does and says because im just scared. I wish to understand what is the real he.. It seems that he is lost in his thoughts and stuff al along the way.. I hope i get him back one day
Remember that a person with OCD can't see any way out of problems. Typically they also suffer from constant guilt and doubt which is VERY hard to get rid of. What you can tell him that's so useful is that life does not have to be this wrestling match between guilt and doing the right thing, between doubt and fear of failing people. He literally can't understand that. Make sure not to get caught in his "dead end" thinking.
 

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