I really want a drink

M

Marzk25

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
Messages
163
#1
Hi guys I haven't been feeling to great the past week. I can feel a depression coming on.

It's so insidious it sorta sneaks up on me, everyday this week I've been waking up a bit down. And each morning is worse than the last. I have been lucky I suppose in that I haven't been depressed since last summer.

The problem is I don't know what is causing it. My home life's all good at the minute, I haven't fallen out with anyone or anything. I have a good routine, which my cpn helped me put in place. It's really annoying i know what's coming and I can't stop it. I want to block it out. I'm not suicidal or have any ideas like that. Just a sinking low feeling.

I haven't drank for 6months and before that I had been off it 9months. I know it isn't good for me but I really really feel like it. I think when I coloured my hair yesterday (as a distraction) instead of drinking it triggered me and made it worse I went back to the bright baby blonde Ihad when I was younger instead of the darker blonde. Also my sister had got a cd for me with all the music we used to listen to when we went out years ago. It's made me feel sort of like I'm 18-20 again, I used to love going out, getting dressed up and dancing. I haven't done that because I stopped drinking, and it can become a problem for me. I tend to binge drink and this can make me physically sick as well as not mixing with my medication.

I'm finding it so hard not to though, I'm going through that 'I don't want to have any responsibilities anymore, i don't want to grow up etc.' that I get sometimes with my BPD.

I just wish I could be a normal drinker and go out once a week or month, like other people can. :low:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,146
#2
Hi guys I haven't been feeling to great the past week. I can feel a depression coming on.

It's so insidious it sorta sneaks up on me, everyday this week I've been waking up a bit down. And each morning is worse than the last. I have been lucky I suppose in that I haven't been depressed since last summer.

The problem is I don't know what is causing it. My home life's all good at the minute, I haven't fallen out with anyone or anything. I have a good routine, which my cpn helped me put in place. It's really annoying i know what's coming and I can't stop it. I want to block it out. I'm not suicidal or have any ideas like that. Just a sinking low feeling.

I haven't drank for 6months and before that I had been off it 9months. I know it isn't good for me but I really really feel like it. I think when I coloured my hair yesterday (as a distraction) instead of drinking it triggered me and made it worse I went back to the bright baby blonde Ihad when I was younger instead of the darker blonde. Also my sister had got a cd for me with all the music we used to listen to when we went out years ago. It's made me feel sort of like I'm 18-20 again, I used to love going out, getting dressed up and dancing. I haven't done that because I stopped drinking, and it can become a problem for me. I tend to binge drink and this can make me physically sick as well as not mixing with my medication.

I'm finding it so hard not to though, I'm going through that 'I don't want to have any responsibilities anymore, i don't want to grow up etc.' that I get sometimes with my BPD.

I just wish I could be a normal drinker and go out once a week or month, like other people can. :low:
Hi Marz

just wanted to say Im here and to stay strong


BDU
 
M

misssadness

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Aug 3, 2015
Messages
1,995
#3
It sounds like you have been thinking of the past a lot and remembering times when you would drink and you wish to relive those times. Is there anything else you enjoy now? I can imagine the drink allowed you to forget things and it can be hard to find something else which can do that. Could you go out with your husband for a treat to the cinema or something similar?:hug:
 
M

Marzk25

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
Messages
163
#4
Yes missadness that's exactly how my minds been working. It makes it really hard to stamp the feelings associated with those times out. I've been trying to remind myself of the bad things associated with drink the 2 day hangovers etc. I was out with my husband and his mum today for a meal in Frankie and Bennys Ihad a strawberry milkshake but nearly the whole time I was looking towards the bar area :redface: I feel a bit ashamed of myself for that actually as I should've been enjoying our lunch, I was so distracted I barely spoke during the meal and I also kept going out past the bar for a cigarette as I was getting a little stressed which didn't help.

Thank you both for your support, I am going to try my very best to not go there, at the moment it's a battle going on inside my head.

Marz x
 
ally41

ally41

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Joined
May 21, 2010
Messages
790
Location
UK
#5
Oh I feel your pain. I gave up smoking (after over 30 years) in July and have been having a weird mood on for the last two weeks - a mixture of hyperactivity and weepiness and a very strong feeling of not wanting to grow up or do anything boring associated with adulthood! I can't tell you how many times a day I have wanted to have just one fag and even more than that, a spliff - just to get some respite. But I have stayed strong and not smoked. I feel like it's almost bloody killed me! but I still haven't had one.

You can do it!!
 
M

Marzk25

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
Messages
163
#6
Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you and let you know how much your advice and support helped me last night. I didn't have a drink and although the feelings lasted hours in true BPD style the lifted as quickly as they started.

What I did instead to get rid of all the nervous energy I'd built up and to distract myself was to go upstairs and tackle my spare room, which holds all my clothes, beauty products etc. as I started to organise everything I started to feel more relaxed and by the end of it I had bags full of things for charity which I took to the charity shops this morning this had the added benefit of lifting my mood a little. I was quite surprised how good it seemed to be for me tidying up my external environment seem to tidy my mind too.

So I'm planning to tackle a room a day for the next week, fingers crossed it will help keep the depression I have been starting to feel at bay.

Thanks again guys, I was so relieved when I woke up this morning with no hangover and the money in my purse untouched from alcohol.

You really helped me

Marz x
 

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