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I really need to talk

vanish

vanish

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Hey Kenza, anything we can help to support you through this by way of the forums?
 
K

Kenza

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I am so anxious and I feel worthless, I'm drowning. ..
 
calypso

calypso

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Can you tell us a little more about yourself? YOu probably have before but I haven't seen it.
 
K

Kenza

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I have always been an anxious child. I was raised by very anxious parents and they made sure to pass it down to me. They also fought all the freaking time. One night it got so bad that my father kicked us out in the middle of the night. I used to be brilliant at school despite all the conflict that was at home I mostly excelled at languages and was always top of my class. I was great except for one subject. Math. It was and still remains a nightmare. Something about numbers confuses me and frightens le sometimes I wonder if it can be a learning disability but I was never diagnosed. I grew up having this fear of being judged never felt loved by my parents felt very neglected and the only way to please them was to be great at school. I continued to be good until the age of 15 where I passed a test to enable me to go to a school for brighter kids. I didn't succeed but I was wait listed. And I managed to get in it was always my dream to go there. Let me explain in my country you can access this pioneer school at two points one at the age of 12 and the other at 15. I have actually succeed when I was twelve but my father refused my transfer to the school because it's far. He was overprotective like he always is.
Then things went down hill from there. All my demons decided to start showing up. My extreme fear of failure. My fear of meeting new people ect...I didn't do good I hardly passed I was anxious all the time.
 
K

Kenza

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Then I fell in love with this boy who rejected me and that devestated me. It was a confirmation of my deep rooted thought that nobody loves me just like my parents never did. Nobody will.
 
K

Kenza

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I got into a severe depression and ended up having a gap year developing a huge fear of exams. Went back to a normal school which I really didn't want to do.
 
K

Kenza

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But my father forced me to. Now five years later I'm in my final year of high school facing my national exam at the end of the year to be able to graduate and go to university and I can't study one bit. I've never been one to revise a lot but this year demands a lot of work and I'm really not used
 
K

Kenza

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I am so anxious terrified of failing and keep screwing exam after exam
 
vanish

vanish

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I remember the demands of high school and the pressure of trying to get an excellent mark in order to get into University. It can be difficult, especially if you live with crushing anxiety.
Just wanted to congratulate you on your efforts so far, I know you feel like you're failing but if you passed the exam to get into a school for bright children, I am sure you are very bright yourself.
I noticed you said you had a gap year, does this put you older than your classmates? I know being different in age from your counterparts can play a part in anxiety too, I was a year younger than my friends at school when I graduated.
Self sabotage is a hard thing to stop. Are you in therapy at all? Some therapies aim at re-writing our brain's narrative (for example, to stop thinking your a failure and believe you are good enough instead). Therapy takes time but it is oh so worth it.
 
K

Kenza

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I actually have had two gap years so I'm two years older than my classmates, I am indeed in therapy cognitive behavioral therapy
 
vanish

vanish

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How do you find CBT, Kenza? I find my therapist combines different forms of therapy for me. I'm having a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy and acceptance & commitment therapy.
 
K

Kenza

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Basically I'm learning to face things because I was so depressed and anxious got to the point where I completely avoided all challenges, like exams talking to people it got better but the test anxiety is paralyzing me again
 
vanish

vanish

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Have you ever worked on grounding exercises with your therapist?
 
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