I really need support :(

H

Hayley99

New member
Joined
Oct 30, 2018
Messages
1
#1
Hello,

I'm 19 years old and this is my first time sharing my story on a forum, but I have never met anyone with OCD like me and I hope this might help me find some hope that things will get better. It all started over the summer when I was going on a trip. I was convinced that something would happen that was bad, and found the crowds terrifying at the airport as well as when we were travelling. I couldn't enjoy myself and it made me so sad, I cried myself to sleep every night for two weeks convinced something was wrong with me. I would have anxiety attacks that were so bad I would feel numb and tingly and my hearing would feel distant or hyperactive. These made me wonder if something was wrong with my brain.

After that it was all I could think about, that I had a brain tumour or was developing schizophrenia. I became majorly depressed and anxious all the time, having panic attacks every day lasting for hours. Eventually I was diagnosed with depression and was given SSRI's. I've been on them for 7 weeks now and they seem to help a bit, but I still don't feel like myself at all. So many people including my doctor told me that by now everything would be better and in some ways it's gotten worse. The meds have given me brain fog, as well as distant emotions, causing me to wonder if I have lost my old self forever and I hate that thought. Soon my intrusive thoughts became so scary! I began to wonder if since my emotions were dulled I was capable of hurting myself or others. I became obsessed with suicide and had to hide every weapon in the house and would shake and cry every night and was eventually hospitalized for how horrible it got. I knew I didn't want to die, I just worried I would lose control somehow and do it. I also became worried about hurting people I love and I would tie my arm to my bed at night out of fear that I could hurt them in my sleep. I knew it wasn't true but my mind was adamant that I was horrible and dangerous, even though I know I am kind and loving.

Recently a guy I was seeing for over three months ended things with me because when we were out at a club I asked if we could go home due to my anxiety, he told me I ruined his night and he called me pathetic. He now acts like I don't exist and it hurts and makes me feel even more like something is wrong with me. I can hardly eat and hate waking up every morning. I can't get myself to therapy anymore because I am afraid of the train, and every little thing that happens makes me convinced that I have schizophrenia and might hurt myself or others. I'm starting to wonder if this is it, and I'll have to live this way forever and it hurts so bad because before this all happened I was wonderful and really happy. Does it ever get better?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,377
Location
England
#3
Hi,
I'm so sorry, I have schizophrenia and haven't ever hurt myself or others.
It doesn't sound like your developing schizophrenia, so try not to worry.
Sorry your boyfriend broke up with you, the hurt will get better.
Here to listen anytime.
I also have anxiety and was constantly thinking bad things would happen to me or my family.
I know these things didn't happen.
Hopefully you can learn some techniques from the internet to help you cope.
Take care
 
D

D_1988

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2018
Messages
6
#5
Hi. Im new to this too. I lost my boyfriend of 7 years because of my developing ocd so i know how you feel. U feel like a rejection. A failure and that noone can love u because of how u are.
But always remember u are a good person. It sucks u cant get to therapy but could u get the cmht or a phone call? Im not sure if thats something they do.
With losing my partner i realise how bad ive got and im tryin my best to push myself to do things i wouldnt (i have contamination ocd) im not going to lie. Its hard. And i do wonder if i will get better but atm im at my lowest and surely the only way is up? Good luck!!